Posted by kara lynne on September 14, 2003, at 21:25:14
Since I know more people here than at babble grief I'm going to post this here.
I wrote a letter to the ex and he wrote back, finally acknowledging that there is no hope. Last night I dreamt he came to me instead and asked me to marry him.
I don't know what's going on--it's been 3 months and I feel worse than ever. I don't feel a bit stronger. To top it off he said he had to go because he had an interview to give, but that he had a 'lump in his throat' and hoped he would do ok. That's a perfect illustration--he could jot out a letter but had to get back to work, the truly important thing in his life.
We weren't good together, but I still feel like I want to be with him. I know him--his life is filled with people and things so that he doesn't have to confront himself. I know he'll be busy, and have many opportunities to be with women who admire him. How do I stop torturing myself with this?
His letter of finality opened the wound back up. He displayed his typical passivity, acting like there was *nothing that he could have done* to make anything better, but acting so sad that it is over. He would have anybody believing that he ever tried--and making me feel crazy because I know in my heart he didn't. And it's impossible for me not to take that as total and complete rejection. My counselor said it is not a rejection, but an admission that he cannot do any better. I don't see it that way; I think if the 'prize' were a good enough one, he would have worked a little harder.
He says 'we' can't get over our anger. Why would he be angry--because I wanted to get married after five years? Because he felt pressured around the issue of children which he never wanted? But then he was always angry--that I never liked his 'work' enough, even though he spent all his time working to the complete detriment of the relationship. He spent all the time after we moved in together doing drugs, but he'll never take responsibility for how much that ruined things between us. Only that I couldn't be supportive enough to him, or involve myself with his friends and work associates more. I guess he'll find someone who will.
And what...I will sit here and rot for the rest of my life? I know I have to push myself, but I have been unbelievably tired lately. I know it's emotional, but it's also physical. My blood pressure is really low, my heart rate is low (not from exercising). I have no energy and I want to sleep all the time. It's a major struggle for me to think about going to pick up food for myself. It's exhausting for me to even think about going to a doctor.
Ok, well it's said and done. It's over. It's over, but it will never be over in my heart.
poster:kara lynne
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/260066.html