Posted by kara lynne on September 15, 2003, at 18:20:43
In reply to Re: mama » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 14:55:27
I had a very helpful session with my non-therapist counselor today. She helped me realize that my desperation is the child wanting to connect with people that can't; my father, my mother, my ex. My ex *could* not connect in any meaningful way--he had it connected with some sort of power struggle, issues he's never resolved with his smothering, repulsive mother. (I'm sorry to say that, but she's obese and domineering and insulting--while being overly romantic with him. I think I mentioned awhile back that he called me a pig in one of his tirades--that really seemed interesting to me because while I am many things, fat is not currently one of them. *He* is overweight, and his mother is obese. It was almost as if he were looking at her and yelling.)
To be close to me would mean submitting, signing over his will or something. That he would have to give up his precious___??? Autonomism? Aesthetic? I don't know. He was always so keen on his hipper than thou aesthetic.
I realized that he critiqued my letter instead of responding to it. I want to say that to him so badly! I want to shake him and ask him why he wouldn't fight for me. He actually took my gut wrenching words and told me it was 'very well written, coherent and thoughtful'. I couldn't put my finger on why that made me so crazy. Now I can.
Unfortunately I am still crazy. My counselor suggested it is that desperation before a paradigm shift--where the old patterns die and come up--hopefully--for their last death throes.
I still want to call him and make him connect to me. That is my pattern. I try to get people that cannot connect to connect with me, or I am not valuable.
Not a great plan.
poster:kara lynne
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/260387.html