Posted by kara lynne on September 19, 2003, at 1:50:42
In reply to Re: Just Say No » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on September 18, 2003, at 22:04:03
Thanks for the suggestion. I will start that tonight--the stories. I've been writing one liners to myself, but that doesn't seem to hold me very well. Maybe the stories will stick. However I just purged the entire story in a letter to him and look where it got me! It got him agreeing that things would never work and me in a panic. Nice work.
Unfortunately I might be better because I had that email contact with him, that ended with him bringing up the idea of counseling again. He doesn't want to go to my counselor--he's been before and it wasn't 'intense' enough. So he suggested we go to very 'intense' counseling together and that was how I got the name of this current therapist, that I decided to see myself instead. (Back in the days when I was rational and knew there was no counseling intense enough to salvage the relationship--and I had enough healthy anger not to think it was worth it anyway. What HAPPENED?!) But can you imagine what a disaster it would have been if we went to that therapist together? At least I saved myself that humiliation.
So a couple of days ago he said he was confused: I had written the letter telling him how I could never get over what happened and he agreed 'we' had too much anger and he accepted that the relationship was over. He said he was apologizing with no 'ulterior motive'. That's when I emailed him back saying I don't remember him ever apologizing with an ulterior motive--that's the one I would have been looking for, and that all I ever wanted was for him to try.
So he was rightfully confused, and I intimated I might indeed be open to counseling--but I didn't explain why we no longer have that therapist as an option--he had asked if we should make an appt. there. Since I don't have anyone I trust to call I'm in a holding pattern. I don't know whether I should avoid talking to him on the phone completely before we (if we do) see a therapist.
Meanwhile he has certainly not jumped at my apparent softening. I said I was not sure yet if I wanted to talk, but that I thought I did. He left one message, but is not being very aggressive about trying to contact me. He initially asked if I wanted to go ahead and make the appt. but I didn't have anyone to make it with--and that was the last I've heard from him. That was as much as he could muster, I guess.
My counselor reminds me that nothing has changed--once again. But I can't blame him, because I didn't answer his calls for all those weeks, and then wrote that letter. She says the difference is that I am the 'injured party' here. I guess he really just does not see it that way.
So I sort of renegged on the finality of my letter, but we're in limbo. He's telling me all over the place that he doesn't want to try, even though he says he misses me 'severely'. I'm still waiting for the calls. For what? Not to answer them? Why did I even write that letter? I almost did better before, when I didn't have to commit to the complete break. Now I'm just a mess again--that's when my counselor said I have to make a choice and follow through because this is keeping me in constant torment and collapse.
It would have been so simple. If he would have called and said he wanted me back, and kept calling--- So what *is* he doing? He's just saying he would go to intense psychotherapy with me, although last week he said no to that as well. And we all know where intense psychotherapy will get us--intensely separated. But maybe I would be able to get a little more clarity around it. Either that or we'd get a therapist like my current one and I'd leave feeling crazier than ever.
Ok, maybe it is time for that tranquilizer.
poster:kara lynne
thread:260066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/261544.html