Posted by Daisym on December 14, 2006, at 23:46:58
Most of you know that I talk to my therapist about this board and what it means to me. He is pretty supportive and he thinks the collective wisdom here is pretty amazing. But for some reason, I didn't tell him until today about pseudoname's suicide. He was shocked and very sad for all of us. But then the hard question -- "How did it make you feel?"
Me: "I didn't know him that well. We corresponded a few times, mostly I just read his stuff. I was shocked at first and then realized I felt this wave of understanding about his choice. I felt sad for those left, but for him I am hoping he found relief."
T: "Does it call up those feeling in you? It is an ongoing battle you, yourself, fight."
e: "I think I'm envious that it is over for him. It feels like it will never be over for me."
T: "That makes me sad. I think at some point you are going to have to choose wanting to live in order to really feel better. And I think we need to keep talking about how much of wanting to die is an old wish, the only escape a young girl could imagine."
And so the conversation went. He asked gentle questions and at the end I told him not to worry. He said he always holds the worry - that his main concern is that I will get triggered and pushed over the edge impulsively. That when I'm planning or talking about it, he feels like he has more of handle on where I am.
This is such an hard topic for me. It feels like the ultimate self-abuse secret to keep. It is the epitome of split living - inside a mess and wanting to not wake up tomorrow and outside decorating a Christmas tree and planning a party. I am ready to put these thoughts away for awhile, I made a deal with myself. I even told my therapist today that I'm much more worried about my birthday - which is a month away, because it is a "significant" number this year. Was I hinting? Do I want him to lecture me? Sometimes when we talk about this I feel so cold and removed. Is this a reenactment of keeping secrets from my mother -- I wanted her to guess my terrible secret and save me -- do I want that now? Or am I truly almost done? And if you knew everything I was dealing with, you might agree I have reason to be done. Maybe the ideation itself is "just" a coping mechanism, a way to imagine an end to pain and grief and frustration.
I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe I'm looking for a frank conversation about a topic that is so hard to discuss. Maybe I'm just tired.
poster:Daisym
thread:713827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/713827.html