Posted by Daisym on December 19, 2006, at 1:05:14
In reply to Re: Thoughts on Suicide - Trigger » Daisym, posted by littleone on December 17, 2006, at 21:05:35
I thought I posted this last night, but it seems to have disappeared. So I'm trying again...
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> I wanted to say something to you, but I'm worried it will come out the wrong way and just sound terrible.
***I'm not worried. Thank you for wanting to share with me.
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> Re your T's comment above, it really struck a chord with me. I remember reading in "Got Parts" quite a while ago, it mentions something along the lines of how you need to choose to live and make a commitment to that promise before you can heal. I read that when I was feeling very unwell.
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***I haven't read this book -- did you like it? I tried to give up looking for answers in books but I'm back to it again. My therapist just recommended that I read, and we talk about, "The Soul's Code" because I've been pretty distraught about how insidious the effects of abuse are.> I remember that it made me feel real sad because I just couldn't make that promise/commitment. And all I could think was it was no wonder I wasn't getting any better.
<<All I can promise right now is that I won't do something impulsive without giving my therapist the opportunity to talk to me. Sometimes I think I've promised to at least say good-bye. But sometimes I know I've promised to keep trying.
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> I guess I could see that it was a necessary thing, but I just couldn't see how to do it. I couldn't give up my escape option.
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<<I understand this feeling. I always think, if things get too hard, well...And then I think, can they possibly get harder than this?> Today, I am doing so much better. Today, that escape is no longer an option for me. Having said that, I still can't make a promise to live. I get worried I'll fall back in the pit and need that escape option. But even though I can't make the promise, I think I feel the promise inside me.
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***I'm glad you can feel it. My therapist sometimes describes the changes I am making as new shoots, coming up out of the ground. But they are so fragile, when they get stepped on, they wither quickly. But it sounds like your change is taking roots deep inside yourself and you can feel it and know it will keep growing. Your therapist is a wonderful gardener.> And I can tell it's made a big difference in my therapy. It feels like I've really leaped forward.
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> I really wanted to tell you what I did to make myself better. I *so* want to do that. But I really have no idea. Which scares me a lot. If I don't know what I did right, how do I know to do it again next time I'm unwell?
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***I don't think it is anything you can duplicate, I'm guessing it has to be created each time for each situation. But having the confidence and knowledge that you did it once, so you can do it again, is probably the biggest thing to "learn" anyway. So don't sweat the details, just remember that you can make it through. And it sounds like you've learned how to get support and accept help, another huge thing for making it through.> So I've asked my T for his thoughts and, if I can remember his answer, I let you know what he says. However, I often get lost in the fog when we talk about this stuff, so I might forget or get muddled.
***That happens to me too. When I'm lost in the cloud of emotions, I can't remember his words. I just sort of "feel" my way through the session, does that make sense? Other times, I can remember verbatim what gets said. I'm glad I'm in the habit of journaling, because then I can go back and think about stuff more.> I guess I wanted to say that it *does* get better. Even when it feels like it never will. I'm living proof for you. I wish I could give you more than that.
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***Offering yourself as living proof, just like Fallsfall did, is huge. And I thank you both for the hope. And I'm so glad you are both feeling better and moving back into life again. Expecting life to hold joy is a huge thing.> The other thing I wanted to say is that if you did take up that escape option, I would miss you terribly. I miss you a lot already when you go quiet on the boards. I really don't think you realise just how much you bring to us all here.
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***Thank you for that. I sometimes think I talk too much here, or say the wrong things. Or I post about the same things over and over again. And I always feel like a stick in the mud. Sometimes I long to share a silly mood or start a silly thread, (remember the "what color are your therapist's socks thread?) but then it passes and I go quiet again. Why can't it be fleeting sad feelings instead of fleeting good feelings?> I know you're having a real rough time (and have been for ages now). I'm just so glad that you're still around to post about it.
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**Thank you for that too.> I know you talked about the secret shame surrounding this for you. To me it seems like a lot of the replies you've received are very accepting of what you've said. I guess I wonder if you can feel that acceptance, if it helps with your shame and the secrecy, what the acceptance does for you and your wishes for this escape.
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***Reading all the replies makes me think that this is a subject that too many of us struggle with. And it isn't well understood at all, even by most therapists. Are these thoughts due to the wish for escape from problems? Or are they a way to end the inner-pain? I'm not asking if anyone will miss me, I know I'll be missed. I know I'm loved by some and admired by others. What I've been trying to really understand is why the wish to die? Why not quit my job? Or become reckless? Or numb out with drugs or alcohol? Why do I immediately go to the most extreme option, instead of equally unacceptable choices, but less permanent? There is a seductive fascination about this for me, the thought of rest and relief.> I know that for me, I was unable to recognise or feel acceptance until it was pointed out to me by my T. I have had to learn to feel the warmth that comes with acceptance. I guess I was interested in your thoughts because I'm working on some shame/acceptance stuff at the moment.
<<I think first you have to accept yourself and whatever happened to you. And you have to forgive yourself for what you couldn't do, or any bad choice you might have made. And then you have to gather up your courage, maybe borrow some from your therapist, and be yourself with your family and friends. Being yourself around others, taking in their warmth and their sincere acceptance of you, is a wonderful step towards really healing. But it is scary as hell for me. I guess I think I'm less accepted as real, IRL. Here on Babble, you guys only see what i want you to see. And I don't have to take care of anyone but me, but I CAN take care of as many people as I choose to.Today I had a Christmas Tea Party. It was so beautiful. I worked for days, setting up tables with real china and tea cups and silver. I baked and cooked and even made a scratch cranberry tart. There were 18 very special friends, my mom and two of my sons. We had so much fun, there was a whole hat theme and everything. I wrote a poem for the invitations and let everyone know that this was my way of thanking them for all the support for the past year. I have been so blessed with so many who have helped with the separation and move, and the kids, and everything. And they like each other too, so that makes it easy to get everyone together. I took the opportunity to tell them all how much I love them and how thankful I am for them.
And yet, in this quiet aftermath, I still feel that deep sadness. I told AnnieRose - My heart feels their love and yet my soul is still crying. How can this be? What do I want? Maybe I'm just too broken for love to heal.
poster:Daisym
thread:713827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/714944.html