Posted by littleone on December 20, 2006, at 20:44:11
In reply to Re: Thoughts on Suicide - Trigger » littleone, posted by Daisym on December 19, 2006, at 1:05:14
> > I remember reading in "Got Parts" quite a while ago,
> >
> ***I haven't read this book -- did you like it?Yeah, I love it. I keep re-reading it over and over. It really appeals to a younger part. It's about DID, but I still found a lot in it that was helpful to me. Plus it is very positive and encourages you to talk to your T a lot.
> I tried to give up looking for answers in books but I'm back to it again.
I know that I tend to do that when I want more control or I don't want to trust in my T and the process. It's so nice to get book names from your T to read.
<<All I can promise right now is that I won't do something impulsive without giving my therapist the opportunity to talk to me. Sometimes I think I've promised to at least say good-bye. But sometimes I know I've promised to keep trying.They sound like pretty good promises to me. Do you think there's at least one part of you that keeps making these promises and doesn't want to use that escape?
> My therapist sometimes describes the changes I am making as new shoots, coming up out of the ground. But they are so fragile, when they get stepped on, they wither quickly.Just remember that that doesn't mean the plant is dead. New new shoots get sent up to replace them.
> But it sounds like your change is taking roots deep inside yourself and you can feel it and know it will keep growing. Your therapist is a wonderful gardener.
This sounds so nice. It made me smile.
> ***That happens to me too. When I'm lost in the cloud of emotions, I can't remember his words. I just sort of "feel" my way through the session, does that make sense?
yeah, it does
> Why can't it be fleeting sad feelings instead of fleeting good feelings?It will turn around for you one day.
> *** What I've been trying to really understand is why the wish to die? Why not quit my job? Or become reckless? Or numb out with drugs or alcohol? Why do I immediately go to the most extreme option, instead of equally unacceptable choices, but less permanent? There is a seductive fascination about this for me, the thought of rest and relief.I don't know. I know I could never do those other things you listed because inside I believe that they are all bad things and I must be good at all costs. And that suicide isn't in my internal list of bad things because it was never ever talked about when I was younger to be able to call it bad. But that's me. I think you will have your own personal reasons.
> Today I had a Christmas Tea Party. It was so beautiful.
It sounds so nice and pretty and nice.
> There were 18 very special friends, my mom and two of my sons.
I can't believe you have 18 friends. How do you manage to keep that many friends. Even 1 is beyond me. And how do you have 18 plates and cups and forks and things. And you would have spent so long cooking everything and it would have gotten gobbled up so quickly.
> We had so much fun, there was a whole hat theme and everything. I wrote a poem for the invitations and let everyone know that this was my way of thanking them for all the support for the past year.
It sounds real fun and nice.
> And yet, in this quiet aftermath, I still feel that deep sadness. I told AnnieRose - My heart feels their love and yet my soul is still crying. How can this be? What do I want?
I don't know. I don't understand love and caring and stuff. I wish I could give your soul a tissue. Some of the aloevera ones so its nose doesn't get sore.
[] [] [] there's three little tissues for you.
> Maybe I'm just too broken for love to heal.
I don't know if it's love that's supposed to heal you. I thought it was acceptance or something else.
I think that those of us who get broken end up lots stronger at those broken places. I bet your T has some super duper super glue. Maybe you can't get glued yet because you're still working on how to fit the pieces together.
poster:littleone
thread:713827
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/715316.html