Posted by Deneb on May 26, 2005, at 20:07:27
My Mom recently broke her wrist. Being in a hospital brought up some strange desires in me. I feel like I need to know and understand every single detail of what happened to me when I ODed. I want to remember every single little detail of what happened to me in the hospital. I feel like I want to re-create my OD to see what will happen this time.
The hospital my Mom went to was very very busy. I want to see if there are differences in treatment depending on which hospital one goes to. I want to see what will happen to me if I take more than I did last time. I want to see if I will be saved or not. I don't know why I want to do this. I need to know exactly what happned to me. I feel like doing it over again just to remember more details. This is a very stupid and irrational thing to think...I don't know why I want to do this. I don't think I want to die...I think I want to risk my life to do an experiment.
I want to see what will happen if I take more, maybe mix in 2 extra drugs and not tell anyone. Will the doctors there be smart enough to make a correct diagnosis? I feel like testing the system to see if it works.
This is not good...I'm pretty sure I won't die and this makes me more bold. I know I won't die if I do this. I feel like doing this, but I don't want to end up in the psych ward again. I don't want to be a human pin cushion again...I'm afraid of needles. What is the matter with me? I want to go out tomorrow to get the drugs needed for my cocktail. I need to understand exactly what happens to me when I OD...I feel like I need to know everything...all the lab test results etc., to make sense of it all...to analyse it. Do I make sense?
Deneb (jenny) u's 2b Shy_Girl
poster:Deneb
thread:503343
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050525/msgs/503343.html