Posted by Daisym on January 11, 2007, at 1:31:16
In reply to Re: Being Angry, posted by annierose on January 10, 2007, at 22:19:00
At camp comfort I need music (Vince Gill, or Streisand, please) and cream of wheat. And friends. And a Kitty too, yes please. I have mine on my bed right now.
Tonight group was hard. But I was only half there. I've had a very rough two days with a work crisis and I had more bad news just before I left. Last night I had a late phone call from our Attorney and ended up crying afterward in the kitchen. My son gave me a hug and said he hates seeing me like this. God, I felt like such a bad mom. Because of all the anger/trust discussions, I haven't had time to share any of this with my therapist.
After group I stayed and talked with the group therapist. I fell apart - sobbing that I couldn't take anymore, that I just want to die on my birthday - which is Monday -- because at 45 you shouldn't be in such sad shape. And the worst part is that I don't know how to tell my therapist that I feel this bad and this suicidal. She offered to call him for me and I didn't want her to. Can you imagine how he would feel? She wanted to know why I hadn't told him and I could honestly say that I didn't really realize how awful I was feeling until tonight but also things were already so hard, how can I just announce that I'm feeling suicidal again? I asked her if he would think it was manipulative. She said probably not, that looking at everything I've got going on, she thinks it is actually an understandable response. But she said even if it was some kind of unconscious manipulation, we need to pay attention because it was choosing an awfully big thing to get attention with. That made me wince. And she was really good about listening to my fears that this would be the thing that makes him leave, another crisis, over another long weekend. She reminded me that he has a "pretty damn good track record."
In the end, I promised to tell him all of this tomorrow. She said if I felt I couldn't, she really did need to call him herself. So I'll try to get the words out tomorrow without minimizing. Thanks for all your support here too.
poster:Daisym
thread:720957
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721257.html