Posted by finelinebob on January 11, 2007, at 0:40:55
In reply to Being Angry, posted by Daisym on January 9, 2007, at 22:49:08
> He said I'm abandoning him before he can hurt me or leave me. Is that really it? Have I no trust in him after all this time that he won't do that to me?
>
> I feel horrible. Someone tell me what is going on here.It might not be nice for me to say so but, Daisy, you're making me laugh at myself.
My first year of "therapy" with my T, back when we started in maybe 1996, I'd talk about how I had this "teflon" personality -- how people just didn't "stick" to me, good or bad. I was alone, but I was self-sufficient. Sticks and stones? Fuggedabowdit! Advice? Walk a mile in my shoes THEN take your own advice.
And then, after about a year, I had the audacity to tell her that this "teflon" surface even applied to her. I will never forget the look of hurt on her face. And, seeing that look, I will never forget how much pain I had to cause to break through that lie.
Once we got past that moment, THAT is when my real therapy began with her.
I grew up abandoned in a family of as many as 9 but mostly, after 3 moved out and 1 died young, a family of 5. Knowing how it feels to be abandoned ... and since I lived with the abandoners that meant being abandoned every day ... yeah, I learned to bail before anyone had a chance to do it to me.
I know me, not you, and I know that what your T said to you rings oh so true for me. But that's me.
When I "abandoned" my T all those years ago and saw the pain I caused -- I recognized it so quickly, so easily, because I'd been there so long so often -- I felt sick. Not just because I hurt her, because she believed we had built a significant level of trust. I felt sick mostly because the lie was laid bare, and I saw how I rejected the trust I felt for her. And that hurt, too.
My T's a big girl, tho, so after the initial shock she got back into her appointed role ... and as I know her now, I know she dealt with the hurt later on, psychologist persona turned off, however she deals with those things. And at our next session she started teaching me how to accept trust without the fear of losing it.
Not that I don't still need practice, but my eyes are open when it comes to this.
flb
poster:finelinebob
thread:720957
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721250.html