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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LiLi80 on February 19, 2002, at 13:53:55
I miss having friends. I hate my life m,y friends have turned on me, my school kicked me out all because i tried to kill myself. they arnt friends, they ran away. My roomates didnt want to live with me, so the school made me move to another dorm. one old roomate cringes when she sees mne, i am being shunned, when they see me coming they literally trun their backs. Everyone ignores me. I was kicked out of my sorority because i was in a discrimination suit with my college about my depression, and the sisters didnt want the school to take it against the sorority so they voted me out. nice friends. i founded that stupid group. i was VP of the outing club and i was told i wasnt allowed to go to events because of my depression. The school said the club couldnt choose to exclude me, but whats the point if i get to go on events when i would be isolated when i went on them. I live in a dorm room by myself and life sucks. i dont have any friends anymore, i miss talking to people and having any type of conversation. i miss my old life. I feel like i have screwed up everything and i cant sdo anything to fix it. Ive managed to alienate everyone i know, and my exbf too, who i am still in love with, i hate my life, i keep thinking i must be a really horrible person to have screwed up this bad, i know i should think its their ignorance, but i am the one who is depressed, and they are all happy. I hear through the grapevine that everything is so much better with me gone and everyone is so much happier now. i hate that they get to be happy and i don't.
Posted by kid_A on February 19, 2002, at 16:00:30
In reply to i miss having friends, posted by LiLi80 on February 19, 2002, at 13:53:55
lili,
this sounds awfuly trite, but friends who abandon you because they can't deal with your depression aren't worth having... i can't explain the way i feel to the vast majority of people i know. i know that even when i write my meaning can be obscured.most often i have found, the ones who are truly 'happy' and i'll use that word placed squarely within the bounds of quotations, these are the people who are in fact dead... they are the ones with blissfull emotions that go no futher than ignorance of true depth in emotion...
i have found a vast majority of my outlet to be focused on people I have met through this board... If anything you'll find a sympathetic ear as many people here deal with friends or loved ones who have a hard time understanding depression...
I can't say a little silly thing that might make you happy, but i can tell you that with work it does get better, it can be better, the world is full of people who would gladly befriend you.
Posted by m3 on February 19, 2002, at 19:39:33
In reply to Re: i miss having friends » LiLi80, posted by kid_A on February 19, 2002, at 16:00:30
LiLi, did your school try to help you at all? Is there even a counseling service available for students?
Your post reminded me of my own experience in college (I'm 24). I was in a different situation and didn't attempt suicide, but I honestly don't know what kept me from trying. I can elaborate about my story if you want, but anyway I know what you mean about being stuck in a dorm room by yourself. In my case I wasn't physically kicked out of the room, my roommates/former friends just stopped hanging out with me. And you know, I think it would have been better for me if I'd gotten out, because having them around, trying not to see how I felt, really made it worse. When I moved to a new room the next year was when I could finally start finding new things to do. I went to a lot of movies at the campus repertory theater (by myself), I took up roller hockey, I took cello lessons. It took a long time (several months) before I could say I had new friends, but at least I was getting out and was sort of able to enjoy myself.
I don't know if any of that sounds possible yet, but I just wanted to put it out there in case it could be reassuring. Please do keep posting--I really wish I had had PSB back then, I've found it so helpful this time around.
M3
Posted by trouble on February 20, 2002, at 4:39:53
In reply to Re: i miss having friends, posted by m3 on February 19, 2002, at 19:39:33
Honey,
You need music. I'm not being flip about this. My life was saved by rock-n-roll. That's not to say YOU need rock-n-roll, whatever your taste in music there is sure to be something out there to soothe your savage breast, and as the resident musicologist on this board (Kid_A you gonna stand for that?) I'll point you in a direction or two.
People like us, who are ignored, misperceived, disliked and alienated use music in ways the general public are incapable of. We are the people who have 3,000 compact discs and no social skills. I'd like to see you write a post some day peppered with a little aesthetic snobbery and ridicule for the mundanes out there, and music is a good place to start.
Art was invented by and for people just like you. It is not made for rich people to hang on their walls. Art exists for one reason:
to make life bearable.
keep in touch, love, trouble
Posted by christophrejmc on February 20, 2002, at 10:57:04
In reply to i miss having friends, posted by LiLi80 on February 19, 2002, at 13:53:55
I miss having friends too...
I was hospitalised the first year of high school; when I came back, most of my friends ignored me. The few that didn't, eventually did. At that time, some people I hadn't known very well were being really nice to me. I ignored them because I thought they were "dorks" (I was 15, give me a break!). It turns out that I was the only dork -- these people went out of their way to talk to me and I did to them what I was sad about my friends doing to me. I've managed to find a few friends (if you call someone that you talk to once a month a friend) since then, but they've never been as understanding as those kids were.
I guess the message I'm trying to send is: sometimes the best friends are those who know what it's like to be down. I don't mean to jump to conclusions about your friends, but they seem like snobs who don't care about anyone else, have never known what it's like to not have everything they want (sorry for the double negative), and always reject anything or anybody that threatens their level of happiness (ignorance).
Good luck with the discrimination suit, friends, etc.
-Christophre
Posted by IsoM on February 20, 2002, at 19:01:04
In reply to i miss having friends, posted by LiLi80 on February 19, 2002, at 13:53:55
LiLi, you admit that you are sad & you perceive them as happy. How happy are they? How deep is their happiness, or is it only the shallow laughter of people who are afraid to look into themselves.
It's cruel to say this but I think the majority of people are so shallow that a fingernail would scratch right through their veneer & hit rock-bottom. People who've never suffered, never have had a chance to develop the depth of soul that someone who's suffered can understand. It doesn't mean everyone who's had problems develops a real soul - some still remain troubled but shallow. But I sincerely believe until one has suffered, or borne the pains of others & helped them, they'll always be missing a part of true humanity.
Like Chris sort of said, we're perceived as dorks, but it's the bland, laughing people who are. What were the conversations with your former 'friends' about? Was it silly, everyday stuff about boys, clothes & fashion, fun things to do? That's fine too, not every conversation has to be deep & insightful, but how often did others reveal compassion, understanding, humility, & empathy in their conversations? How often was it about things that REALLY matter?
In my 52 years, I have one very close friend I've had for 32 years now. There's a cord that has bound her heart to mine & vice versa, all these years & miles between us. No one else will ever grow that close with me. I have a number of other good friends and buckets & buckets of acquaintances. My close friends, & my one best friend, were never the 'popular' ones, but their qualities shone through so much that I could tell almost immediately that they would be life-long friends.
I generally find popular people to be boring - nice but boring. They coast along on their popularity without having to put much effort into a friendship. Not true of all popular people but most seem like that. True friends are like gems among rocks. There's lots of rocks but few are gems & most aren't recognised as a gem till some polishing is done. Gems don't just fall into our open hands either. We have to do some digging to find them & then spend time polishing them. But, LiLi, they are out there for us to find & cherish.
Posted by paula on February 20, 2002, at 19:52:58
In reply to Re: i miss having friends, posted by trouble on February 20, 2002, at 4:39:53
Hi trouble, I had to smile at this...
> and as the resident musicologist on this board (Kid_A you gonna stand for that?) I'll point you in a direction or two.I'm in a graduate program in historical musicology! Other than the little bit of cheesy pop music I listened to in high school (late 80s), my taste is decidedly non-rock: all jazz, world, and "classical" (esp medieval and Renaissance). Music can be a wonderful way to soothe the savage beast.
I'd recommend actually singing or playing in addition to listening. THe choir I'm in has been a real lifesaver. Not only do I have a musical outlet (now that my trumpet days are largely behind me) but I'm forced to be social twice a week. This actually does lead back in to the original topic of your post, Lili. I've been a little astonished over the last year to "discover" that I haven't made any good, close friends in 7 years or so. Part of the recovery process for me is learning to feel lonely again. Sounds weird, doesn't it? Anyhow, from where I'm sitting, you're a few steps ahead of me: at least you're able to really experience what you're feeling.
As others have said, those "friends" that abandoned you weren't real friends. I hope that you can find some caring people to encircle you with friendship.
Yours musically,
paula
Posted by LiLi80 on February 21, 2002, at 12:31:54
In reply to Re: i miss having friends » LiLi80, posted by IsoM on February 20, 2002, at 19:01:04
I know what you mean about shallow. Those people were my other sorority sisters. THey are shallow and dont really have any conversations, they just pretend like they are interested in talking, but dont really listen. They are fn to hang out with tho. But they were never the friends that I thought would last past graduation. My roomates were the ones that I thought would be my friends for life. THey were the only ones I thought I would talk to after we graduated. But they turned on me. One roomate was pres of the Outing club and now the other one is pres of it. I cant go back to my old life. I had deep convos with them. I always talked about stuff that meant something. We were the ones that took five secs to get dressed, we were the ones who didnt care about appearances and talked behind the other sisters backs about their own ignorance and stupidity. I always knew that Christine (a roomate) lived in a bubble her entire life. She has a small town mentality, she is very innocent and is ignorant about alot of things. Jaci (another roomate) was also depressed and she says what happened to me was my own fault. Alyson (last roomate) tried to kill herself the weekend before I did, and the other girls kept saying that Alyson sided with them. That wasn't true. I talk to alyson sometimes online but she is now an aquantance because I dont know if I can trust. They were supposed to be my true friends. Not the kind of people that can memorize and recite my life back to me, but they understood me. They could read my mind practically (CHristine especially) I miss CHristine alot. Christine knew everything. She knows my idiosyncrises. Everyone knows I wear glasses. But there are only five people (my mom, my sister, a former roomie, exbf, and Christine) that know I have to clean them with certain tissues. It's stupid maybe but thats how I knew she was a true friend. She paid attention to the little things. But thats over now. They wont even look at me anymore.
LiLi
Posted by Fi on February 21, 2002, at 15:35:57
In reply to Re: i miss having friendsIsoM, posted by LiLi80 on February 21, 2002, at 12:31:54
It sounds very painful. I would agree with the suggestion above re making sure you get some professional ally- a counsellor or therapist.
They can help support you, and also work thru what you need to. You have had close friendships; this means that you are able to. That is precious as not everyone can, and it shows you can again in the future.
Things then went wrong for you with these people; they werent able to cope. Another thing which may be different another time- younger people do find differentness more scarey and harder to cope with sometimes, at an age when it seems crucial to fit in.
You can't go backwards to how it was before, which is sad, but its important to focus on what to do now. Can you move to another college? Or have a break? You dont have to stay with these people.There's no reason why you shouldnt make new friends; take any chances to get to know a new group of people outside the former network.
Look after yourself.
Fi
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