Posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2004, at 9:16:38
In reply to Re: Teenager late (AGAIN) for school..Fallsfall, posted by antigua on February 18, 2004, at 13:50:58
Antigua,
Sounds like we should make sure that they don’t get together – they’d never get up!
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>I've talked to him about this a lot. He's a good student so I can't jump on his grades. I told him that I loved him too much to keep yelling at him to get out of bed in the morning and that it was his responsibility. He told me he doesn't even start to think about getting out of bed until he has been yelled at three times. So now I start telling him it's time to get up that much earlier. Once I even changed his clock in the night--he was angry, but he got my point. It is up to him to get up. If he's late, it's his responsibility to deal w/the school. If he flunks a subject, oh well, it's his fault. I told him I would help him in any way that I can, but it's up to him. So, we run on his time in the morning.
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She does well in school, too. I find that I resent it if I have to get up extra early just so I can “wake” her up. She does have an alarm. And I do have depression – and it is at least as hard for me to get out of bed as it is for her to. This resentment thing probably doesn’t help much. I don’t mind waking her up – I do mind forcing myself to get out of bed and then having her stay in bed for an extra 30 minutes and then being late.She did deal with the school last year. Until the Vice-Principal talked to my husband. My interpretation of that conversation was that the VP told my husband that it was OUR responsibility to get her to school on time (and that if we didn’t do that we weren’t doing our job as parents). This is the kind of directive that my issues don't allow me to ignore.
Last year, first semester she had French first period. She likes French, but hated the teacher. It was such an issue that halfway through the year we switched her French class to a better teacher – this put Math first, instead (she likes math). She would have lost credit for math because of her combined tardies to both French (1st Sem) and Math (2nd Sem). She could have gone on to the next Math class, she just wouldn’t have the credit (which isn’t that big a deal, because she’ll have plenty to graduate). This year she had a study first period for 1st semester. So, at least I didn’t have to freak so much about her missing class. Now she has English, and if she doesn’t get credit for this (it will only be based on 2nd sem tardies because the class is a semester class) she WILL have to take another English course (and she doesn’t like English much). I’m a little hesitant to “arrange” her schedule next year, because I think that she really does need to learn to be on time, and she's pretty well proven that she'll be late no matter what class is first period.
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>Would bribery work w/your daughter? If she makes it to school on time five days in a row, she gets XX? Or something like that?She does seem to want to have a party every Friday night with some out of town friends. But I’m unstable enough so that I hesitate to promise something like that and then end up feeling awful myself and unable to deal with the party.
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> If everything else fails, maybe she should see a counselor? Maybe she is angry about something and this is her way of expressing it? Maybe the two of you could talk to someone together and develop a plan that works for both of you?
>She saw a counselor in 4th grade for an evaluation (because of the throwing up tendency that I mentioned previously). The bottom line was that she does have some issues, but the counselor thought that the stigma (both with peers and with herself) of being in therapy would be worse than the problems that she had.
She was diagnosed with Depression a couple of years ago by her doctor. But she adamantly refused to accept the diagnosis. She wanted no part of meds and no part of therapy. It was near the end of the school year, and the doctor didn’t want to force anything. She was doing better the next fall.
I was diagnosed with Severe Depression 9 years ago (she was only 6) – I’ve only been able to work 2 out of the last 9 years. I’m sure that the thought of depression and therapy scares her to death. And she may not think that meds and therapy have done much for me – I’m still not working, I’m still depressed. What she probably doesn’t understand is how much worse I’d be without them.
> It's no fun to have to be the nagging mother. I hate it, but I think it comes w/the territory. My son knows that he has a lot of independence compared to some kids, and he knows that if he abuses my very limited number of rules, he will lose some of it (like deciding when to go to bed). Going to school is his job, not mine.
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>But that's just my kid. He's definitely an independent one.The reason I’m so strict (and early) about her bedtime is that she doesn’t get up on time – so this is one place where she has “abused my rule”. Plus, *I* need to go to bed – if I go to bed first I’m afraid that she’ll talk on the phone/online all night and never get up.
I think that you have helped me see that I have a number of personal issues invested in this conflict (I need to be seen as a “good” mother, needing to get myself up and resenting it when SHE gets more sleep, my depression affects my parenting and her view of depression/therapy, I need to go to bed). Thank you. This is helpful.
poster:fallsfall
thread:315042
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040219/msgs/315573.html