Posted by fallsfall on February 19, 2004, at 19:46:16
In reply to OK, here's a short start for you » fallsfall, posted by Racer on February 19, 2004, at 19:13:51
Racer,
Thank you SOOOO much for being so thoughtful in your response. I think you have some really good points.
First:
> Langely Porter Psychiatric Institute, in San Francisco, had family counseling service in those days that saw each family member once per week, then all together once per week. Same therapist for all, and that therapist changed every three months. Do I need to go on? (I'll only say that the end of any hope of help there came with a very traditional East Indian counselor whose only "therapy" for me was to tell me that I was "wicked" for continuing to disobey my mother and cause her so much pain.)
>
I am trying to envision a worse set up than this, but I am really having a hard time doing that. First, your only therapist had no committment to YOU - only to the family. That had to be really hard for trust. Second, THREE MONTHS? Give me a break! I stayed with my first therapist 8 1/2 years. I can't imagine starting over and over and over. Third, the end of your hope - All that I can say is that this hits a nerve with me, and I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that.> First, have you tried approaching the issue of therapy from a "not about her depression" angle? Something like, "You know, dear, I'm feeling as if you're taking the brunt of my depression, and as if, since I can't give you your full share of attention and support, I should get you involved in a support network, for help with things you may not be learning in school, like Time Management, Study Skills, etc. It would make me feel a lot better, and relieve some of my anxiety about you if you'd consider it." Some way of saying, "Look, Kiddo, you're not me, and you're not like me, but the you-who-isn't-like-me might need some kind of support you're not getting right now. Whaddaya say?"
This is a really promising angle. Everytime I make a decision she doesn't like she blames it on my depression (what she doesn't understand, is that the more depressed I am, the more lenient I am, the more she LIKES it...). She just might (accurately) buy that she deserves some help because I'm causing her problems. Let me think how to work this in.
>Or, depending on your daughter and your relationship with her, you could just say, "Look, I know that you and your father think that my therapy caused the separation, but it didn't. I want you to experience therapy, just to prove that to you. Will you try it for, say, two months?"
This one will not fly. She did a 4 session evaluation when she was in 4th grade. The therapist started to get a little closer to some uncomfortable stuff and then decided that it would be more harmful for her to be in therapy at that time than helpful. I thought that therapist (who has moved, of course) was exceptionally wonderful. My daughter didn't want to keep going. I don't know if SHE blames my old therapist for the separation. She will NOT "try" therapy for me, or for her doctor - she made that pretty plain.
>
> Second, after watching you go through depression -- which is a Serious Mental Illness and therefore sensitive enough to begin with -- that word itself is probably so loaded she can't hear anything said afterwards. Try talking in terms of symptoms, not dx. Things like, "Hey, Sunshine, you look a little upset today. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" Focus on the behavior -- how she experiences it, not on any sort of why -- and let her find her own way to the dx.The only thing I've said about depression since her doctor's appointment of denial was the next time she saw that doctor I confirmed to him (in front of her) that I wasn't concerned about her having depression any longer. That things seemed OK in that regard. But this IS a good point. Whatever issues she might have need to be clearly different from my issues.
>
> Kids is hard. My ex-bf's son suffers from depression, and he went through a really, really rough time a few years ago. (Shortly after I left his father and moved four hours from the community where we lived.) He came down to stay with me, over a Thanksgiving weekend, and we ended up spending much of Thanksgiving Day sitting on a sofa stored in my mother's garage, with the garage door open on a busy street, because he was sitting there helping me find something else stored in that garage when the dam finally burst. He was in his late teens by then, and just fell into my lap crying his little heart out, just the way he used to curl up in my lap when he was little. It was the first time he'd talked to anyone at all about any of it, and it all came out at once.What a wonderful Step-mom. What a lucky kid.
>
> If your daughter isn't receptive when you talk to her, by the way, don't overlook the possibility that there's another adult out there whom she will listen to. It is not unfair for you to go to a teacher she trusts, a sports coach, a librarian, whoever it is, and say, "Please, help my daughter." That's not deception, it is good parenting. My Sonshine wouldn't have been with me that weekend and I wouldn't have known to look for signs of impending communications if his father hadn't called and asked me to give it a try. (Then again, that young man carries a big piece of my heart with him every moment of his life, and I think he knows it. I like to think that I'd have seen through his mask, and been aware of his pain anyway. Sorry, fallsfall, he is The Best Kid Ever In The Entire World. %-D )Good reminder. When I was worried about the depression thing I did go talk to the guidance counselor at her school (who was also concerned about her). I don't hesitate to do end runs. Her adult supports are a little different now than they were then. I'm now quite sure what I would say to them, though. That I will need to think about.
>
> Best luck with your kidlet, and if there's anything I can tell you that might help, ask it. I'll tell you this: today I'm barely functional at all, and I've made myself type all this in hopes it can help you and your daughter. Anything at all I can offer you to help, is yours. Children are too precious to risk not trying, and I hope this works out well for you and yours.You are so sweet, Racer. Thank you again for your wisdom and insight - particularly on such a hard day. My email is babble fallsfall (a hotmail account).
I'll have to think about this a little to find the best approach. Thanks for all the ideas.
poster:fallsfall
thread:315042
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040219/msgs/315857.html