Posted by jay on August 30, 2003, at 23:06:30
In reply to Personal Ads ...., posted by Temmie on August 30, 2003, at 12:13:54
In some odd ways I feel like Steve Martin in 'Lonely Guy'. Oh man, watching that movie makes me laugh a bit, and even cry a bit. Truth be told, my life feels like some film in such a distant, untouchable way. ('City of Angels' crosses with 'Lonely Guy'..oh ya...right! I ain't no angel...and I sure as heck can't put myself in a comedic frame of mind like Steve Martin.) My Mom has been deeply encouraging for me to "get outside", and yes even head in that 'romantic' direction. I've had my five years of 'jail time', and like I read something someone else said, it seems like I am attracted to and attract women in a really different way "this time round." (He referred to it as my "Air of Tragedy"..like women can sense my story/and/or feelings about it all. The thing is I don't want women feeling 'sorry' for me, so like on a resume, it gets difficult to cover a few years of your life.)
I have some similar feelings as Temmie, but from a guys point of view of course. For me, once I start to get a feeling of a 'spark', I run away drenched in guilt and become so nihilistic. I have love and all of that inside of me, and on a good day can make the better part of it. On a very casual 'date' a short while back, I tried to start to tell my story, started crying and I think she wanted me to go to the hospital and never have anything to do with me again! Right in the middle of this nice cocktail lounge, I am having this nervous, existential breakdown. Well...I am hopefully going to address this in therapy, but I also have to start to build this new 'life' and bring in some new friends, get 99 percent of my confidence back again. Then I start thinking about the future..if I/we (whomever) decide to start another family, and that is something I can't even think about for one second at a time. Many women want a guy who obviously wants to at least be open to having kids, but I dare not let it even cross my mind and it makes me feel very 'unwell', mired in guilt and that it maybe wasn't "never meant to be for me." (I live with this self-pitying attitude that I've "failed" at an attempt already to be a parent...I feel responsible for the whole thing.)
Well...it's, uh, "pill" time...and my poor father is very sick, and I know he and my Ma wanna see something 'good' come back for me in life...and I try for them and me. Temmie, I hate giving advice, and I hope I don't sound patronizing, for that is not my intent. But, just know it's gonna be gone...all of it....and it'll be quick.
Goodnight everyone
Jay
poster:jay
thread:255633
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/255811.html