Posted by inimitable on December 12, 2006, at 15:12:54
In reply to Re: Suicide -mad at myself ** big trigger i think** » inimitable, posted by Poet on December 12, 2006, at 14:56:26
thank you wishingstar, for letting me know i'm not alone :) and to the others for replying and hugs!
my session went good, but i found out that i had to drop off the letter to my profesor myself! i did it, just hurried and dropped it in his mailbox and left in a hurry, with no sighting of him...whew!
see what i do, is during the week or time when i don't see my T, is i send myself emails (i have two email accounts) about how i feel, in certain situations, if i have time to emaiol myself. so i did that a lot, and my T reads these emails, so he can get a better idea of how i feel. and what he and i ended up talking about is how i seem to feel like i am not worthy of the label "severly depressed" he started of by having me take a depression inventroty test, and i turned out to be severly depressed, anything above a 26 or something is depressed and i got a 46 or something..but all my life i have always been told that i shouldn';t feel certain ways, or my feelings don't matter, and that i am always to blame for everything that happens. so it makes sense that i wouldn't be willing to accept that i am depressed, and that it's not my fault. i still kind of don't believe it, but my T helped me to see that i AM depressed, and although i may not feel like i have a good "reason" to be depressed, that doens't matter. i don't need a good reason.
i really wanted to hug my T, seeing as how i won't see him til the 5th of jan, but he and i don't give hugs, i am not normally a touchy feely person, but i've become wuite close to him, and i...i think i love him, like a T. he is also just a grad student, at the university i am (was) attending, he's onyl a couple years older than me. so that would make a hug weird too. also because i used to (still kind of do, a tiny bit) like him, like i would any man. but anyways i ended up feeling okay about it...now the tast ahead is telling my sisters about all this, which i will eventually have to do, since they will ask how my semester went.
thank you all so much! it feels sooooo good talking to someone other than my T about this, seeing as how i have no friends.:) inimitable
poster:inimitable
thread:712780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/712915.html