Posted by inimitable on December 11, 2006, at 21:49:02
okay, so i have been thinking of suicide for the firts time in my life, the past couple months, and have told my T about it. he's been helpful. but recently, what with this week being exam week, i have been very stressed and could see myself actually being tempted to do it tonight (i realized this last night, and told my T today), because i have a presentation due tomorrow, as well as some paperwork for that presentation, AND a take home exam that i haven't done. i was so stressed and thinking about how i couldn't do it, i didn't have the energy for this anymore (school), and how i didn't want to dissapoint my group mates, and have them ahte me. so i figured that if i killed myself tonight that i wouldn't ahve to face them, or my professor, and have to tell them that i am a no good college studnet who is soo stupid she couldn't even finish (or start) a measly take home exam. a TAKE HOME exam! the easiest of all exams. and i had other classes this semester, that i dropped a few weeks back, but i kept this class cause it is kind of important to have before i would do an internship, in the blurry future. so i kept this class, it's the ONLY class i had, and yet it was still to much for me to bear. but the thing is, my T, when i told him this today, we ended up having him write a note to my prof, explaining that i am severly depressed....but i feel like it's a cop out, i'm not really depressed! severely depressed people don't feel hopeful at times, do they? cause i still feel hopefull about the future and stuff. and i feel like i somehow tricked my T into believeing that i was depressed, when i am not. and i feel like what do i have to be depressed about?! nothing, nothing tragic has happened in my life lately, so i should be able to suck it up and move on. but i can't cause i am lazy and stupid and worthless. and now i fooled my T into thinking i am depressed, severely depressed. i feel weird around him lately and i don't know why, it's as if i feel like i am lying to him or something, it doesn't feel natural.
i just wnated to see if anyone else felt like they were lying to their T, or if they felt like they didn't deserve their diagnosis?
i am seeing my T tomoorown, so he can make sur ei am still alive, and he made me call him after i threw out my razors, that i had in the house, but the thing is, i doubt i would have killed myself, but i did find it tempting, and i knew how i would do it if i did. but i doubt i would have. i am sure i wouldn't have. maybe that's why i feel i fooled him, my T, because even though i kne wi wouldn't, i still felt like i could, and was scared...which is why i brought it back up, even after we weren't talking about it anymore in session, we were on another topic.*inimitable
poster:inimitable
thread:712780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/712780.html