Posted by Susan47 on May 4, 2005, at 14:33:20
No matter what the day, it's a day I spend some time, sometimes huge chunks of time, sometimes a little bit here a little bit there, thinking about my ex-T. What do I think about? I don't even know, really, I just feel he has so much .. possibility, that's the way I think of it right now. Possibility for what? I don't know. I think he's a very sexual and sensual man. See, I think that. I think he can be poetic and loving. I think he can get angry and hurt. I think he can be defensive and ugly. I think he can be calm and present. I think he can be protective, and I think he knows how to take risks. I think he's athletic and cares about himself. I think he loves his family and does his best for them, even sometimes is self-sacrificing. I think he appreciates that, self-sacrifice, but I think he's sometimes selfish, too. Mostly though, I think he does his best with his life, and he thinks about everything. I think also sometimes his ego is too big for his britches. I think he's self-confident sometimes and insecure at others. On the whole though, I think he's absolutely a beautiful human being.
I forget what he looks like, exactly. Unless I concentrate. I think that must be good, but it feels really lonely. Because along with the physical image of him comes the emotional caring I needed, the stuff I kept going back to look for. The stuff that in the end I fooled myself existed, it's the fooling myself that was so important to me. I just can't live without feeling cared for, without him. I haven't been in his presence for weeks, and some days it feels like I'm so close to dying, so close, and it's wonderful to be able to just give it up, feel like it doesn't matter anymore, he doesn't matter, but he does. I don't know how to replace him. He was wonderful, and I need someone like him, someone like him in my own personal life, someone who will give me just a little bit of loving time.
You ever go to see your therapist and you're good for several days? Because someone cared enough to be there, regardless of whether you paid him or not, but this person who personifies every rejection you've ever felt deeply in your life, this person is now accepting you.
I don't feel like I can live without that, even though logically it makes no sense. DOes it? I don't know anymore. Should I try and kill that part of me off? Because truly, I feel like I'm only existing since I last laid my eyes on his. So what part of myself do I kill off? Which persona gets executed? Which one? The sensual one, the one who needs to be touched, to have her skin stroked and rubbed and kissed and ... well, whatever. Do I kill off the one who wants to look deeply into someone's eyes and see a reflection of love, because she also now knows how to love? Do I kill her off, because if I do, I close off real possibilities. If I don't, I feel constantly bereft.
Do I kill off the one who wants to luxuriate in the sound of a honeyed voice, a voice modulated to provide comfort? A voice that may in fact belong to a real person? I heard a voice like his, recently, and I felt so happy, so quickly, and then the person wasn't him, I felt sad just as quickly.
I know there are other me's, other women I can destroy. But do I really want to, to save myself this pain that will, eventually, one day it has to stop, it has to end at some point. Can I make a conscious decision, set a date in the future, make a little pinpoint of possibility ... here go I, loving myself completely and that's enough? I don't think so. That's absurd. We're meant to couple, humans are meant to be with someone. It's unhealthy and it feels unhealthy to be anything but. Even a lot of someones is better than no one. Sometimes it's even preferable I suppose.
I suppose also that one day soon I'll read this and be embarrassed, and wondering how the hell I ever found time to indulge myself like this. Because really, that's what I'm doing. I have a lot of real work here, right in front me, that I don't want to do, but I do it, you know, reluctantly. Because it means I'm not doing what I really want to be doing. Which is loving, I need a lover.
Hmm. I need to find a man I can trust who I'm truly attracted to. Believe it or not though, it's the last part of that sentence, it's the I'm attracted part that is the most elusive.
My guidelines for men have become really narrow. Too narrow, probably, to ever find him. Or them. ;)
poster:Susan47
thread:493680
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/493680.html