Posted by LG04 on March 8, 2005, at 0:18:18
In reply to Re: T and Sexual discussions **possible trigger » LG04, posted by daisym on March 7, 2005, at 23:31:05
hmmmmmm...i don't know that i'm a few years ahead of you. maybe in certain areas but probably in other areas you are ahead of me! i also have a lot of separation issues with my therapist although they are getting better. i live across the world from her but we still talk twice a week. that's how hard it is for me to separate! thankfully she has never said that we have to, even when i moved back to america. she has told me that she will be here for me the rest of my life.
i don't get it. i tell myself, "she really loves you and that's okay. you can let her love you." but it's hard. but i am learning from her that maybe, just maybe, i deserve it. otherwise why would she love me? of course she doesn't love me PERFECTLY like a good fantasy mom should do, so i get mad at her even though she is so wonderful. i test and i challenge and i can really get angry too. (sometimes though it's for real things, 'cause she makes mistakes). The only time i've really screamed at her was in my car, and she was halfway around the world so it was okay, she didn't hear me even if the rest of the neighborhood did. :)
today i did an in-take for group therapy for incest survivors and i liked the therapist who interviewed me. and then i heard the little kids inside saying, "will you be my mommy?" they want one so badly. they don't want to give up. i don't blame them. as you said, it's like rejection of your very core self. and for me it mostly means i'll never get certain needs met that were meant to be met. i don't know how to let go of the longing for someone to meet those needs. because i feel like i still need for them to be met!! so how can i just give up hope? but i know i have to. it's too much to bear though.
it sounds like you are trusting your gut with your sister. the most important thing is to keep yourself emotionally safe. my therapist always says, "you don't have to trust someone all at once. and you don't have to trust either completely or not at all. you trust a tinsy tinsy bit and see how that goes. little by little. only at your pace and only as it feels safe." i always thought i have to trust all the way or not at all, and that if i didn't trust someone i would hurt their feelings so i had to trust everyone. the world is much safer when i realize that who i trust and how much i trust is completely in my control.
oh yes, the process. aren't you just ready to strangle that word??!!!!
LG04
poster:LG04
thread:458245
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/468091.html