Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2018, at 2:29:43
In reply to Re: I don't know what to do, posted by alexandra_k on December 10, 2018, at 23:12:58
I feel bad about what I've said about things being sh*t. About my friends. About my friends work. About their projects. Plans. And so on.
It is philosophy... What philosophy was, in Australia. It was a bonding sort of thing. Everywhere people came from was sh*t and all those people were sh*t and a certain few of the people in the Australian place were really brilliant but everyone else was sh*t.
And I didn't feel that way about the philosophy department where I had come from. My supervisor there was always professional and kind. I had some good friends there. We had fun together and respectful dialogue. They challenged me in good ways. They were interesting and kind people.
And the people in Australia never threw me a cookie. They never said anything positive or encouraging about my work. I suppose it is true that I didn't say much about theirs... But with who they were and with everyone else proclaiming how wonderful they were all the time did they really need me jumping on the bandwagon?
And it was very in-group out-group. And I... I don't know... I didn't have much affinity for the in-group. Because it was gossipy and clique and because people liked to dress up and... I don't know... It just wasn't my thing.
Anyway...
I think the trouble with philosophy is that most people feel their own work is sh*t. Because they are grappling with a problem that has been a problem for centuries, or whatever. Most people feel rubbish because they are very idealistic and focus on how they are short of their ideal. But there is also an aspect of rubbishing other people and other peoples projects etc.
I just want to be free of it.
And the politics stuff, too.
I just wanted to study Med. The science of it. Then learn the clinical skills.
I don't want to do much actual science. People get very into having you do lots of laboratory work with titrations of various things and calculations... Or doing weird things with fish eggs or... Who knows what. All that isn't so fun. It's hard to know how it relates to people (if at all). It's not very interesting to me (no offence). And then all the animal experimentation.
The politics stuff is awful, too.
I just want to train as a clinician. Be trained to work with a team of other trained clinicians. And I see then it's a matter of setting things up...
I already know (I don't need to experience the surgery simulator thing they have got going) that you simply can't do such things when people have decided that your goal (to focus on the pateint) is unacceptable to them. You must focus on them...
I wonder if my friends think I would make such a horrible doctor that they're determined to do what they can to prevent me if they have a chance to do that... I wonder why they would go that way instead of thinking that if they are good to me then maybe I might be able to be good to them down the track. Is it lack of thought or...
I strongly suspect it is that they feel sort of trapped into doing what they are doing. Trapped into following the money because they didn't see another way. What I did...I think maybe they sort of don't want that to work because then maybe they will regret their life choices some? I honestly don't know.
I want to stop thinking.
I don't know how I feel.
Numb.
I did for my interview, too.
How am I supposed to feel?
I think they want to see me beg or plead or dysregulate or? I don't know what they want from me.
I feel like this must be a mistake... A misunderstanding. But I've felt that way before...
And it turned out it wasn't a misunderstanding at all.
They are actually doing this to me all over again.
I wonder what the stats breakdown is on the people who actually get ot do it.
How many places are left once the doctors kids have their places and the university vice chancellor and elite peoples kids have their places and the politicians and business elites kids have their places and the international students who pay 3x the fees have their places and the maaori kids who will do military style data colecltion and flu shots kids have their places...
...
then how many places are left?
maybe some kids who they think would make nice husbands / wives for the above...
and then how many places?
?
i don't know.
apparently there is a bimodal distribution going in. people with most debt and people with no debt. the no debt people i guess they invest their money on the overseas education. the most debt people... they try and crowd them out. probably by firstly hiding the fact that these other kids are working on the overseas education in the first place. it would be considered cruel to let them know, since they can't afford it / can't have it i suppose the idea is.
i don't know.
i just feel...
angry. really f*ck*ng angry.
i put in a reimbursement form for thesis binding costs. a couple hundred dollars that i needed to get to the interview. it was supposed to come back within 6 weeks. 5 weeks in i check with mjy supervisor and she informs me it's been sitting in her tray for 5 weeks and she didn't sign it and get it to the next person...
i end up asking her if i can borrow a couple hundred dollars becuase i need the money to get to interview and i counted on it.
so she loans it to me.
only to then deny i submitted on time and hold off getting it to examiners and then say it's rubbish and shouldn't be passed.
only to do her best to make it the case that i'm not eligable to apply even after supporting me in getting to the interview. i mean... she didn't think to try and dissuade me from spending around $1,000 on attending the interview, at all...
she was a friend.
well call me austistic. i don't need friends.
you can have friends back thanks.
i don't like the noise they make.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1102325
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/poli/20181106/msgs/1102380.html