Posted by kylenn on August 8, 2006, at 22:36:09
In reply to Re: Yikes! I agree with Phillipa, posted by Estella on August 8, 2006, at 20:44:16
Yes, I also think Laziness in many cases is depression in disguise.
If we could get the diagnosis, and they would accept (and respond to) treatment, that would help.
Depression is a tough, tough, tough thing to get over.
If you ever even do.
I realize that it is not a diagnosis with OBJECTIVE (not really) findings.
You can (IMHO) fake depression. (at least maybe when you are in front of the examiner)
It would be very hard to fake it 24/7 because when I was really at my worst I could barely bring myself to get up to go to the bathroom when I didn't have to go to work.
But now, if I had to lay around like that, it would be very difficult, and I do not think I could pull it off.
Work was hard, but I put myself on "auto pilot" when I was working; emotionless/robotic (functional, and even good, but empty inside, just a thinking and decision-making machine)
but when I was at home, I let my kids go, I let my house go, I let my bills go, I let my looks go.
I hated life. I hated the sound of my own voice.
Sleep was my only escape from the misery of my waking existence. And existing was all I could do.
I am VERY scared that I could fall back into that abyss.
If I bend over a bit and look down into my psyche, I can see the pit.
I don't look long.
I understand depression. I know it is a true and debilitating illness, because I have it.
Thank the LORD my depression (but not my dysthymia, which is not even close to being as bad as major depression) is in remission. May I never go into that dark, lonely, scary place again.
I worked while I was depressed, but looking back, I should have taken a leave of absence. Not because I was not competent to do my job; I was. But because I was so, so miserable. If my profession was less biased towards mental illness, I believe I would not have felt so ashamed; so much like a failure; that I just could not allow myself to admit to myself, let alone my peers, how bad off I was.
I felt like I had failed somehow. That the macho world of hard core modern day medicine was just too much for poor little me and who did I think I was kidding and on and on.
When I took one of the dozens of tests in the midst of my depression after my SA (and henceforth the awful and humiliating repercussions administered by the very peers who proclaim publicly that mental illness is just that, an illness, and should be treated as such.
Ha what a laugh., but anyway, I digress, which I am wont to do)
I took many tests, and one was an intelligence test.
I was so stressed out when I took this test; I had just come from the "bad cop" shrink.
I think in some forensic psych evals they employ the "good cop/bad cop" deal, only with shrinks.
Anyway, I was so destroyed by the "bad cop" that I could not stop uncontrollably sobbing throughout the intelligence test, which of course, made me even more stressed out since my whole life my intelligence was the one thing I was proud of and expected of myself, and I just could not bear to miss even one question; I HAD to ace this test. But, how could I? I was a complete emotional mess, I was so, so sad and hopeless.
Anyway, I really think I could have done better on the intelligence test.
And when they had their little group summary meeting at the end of the week with me, they told me that I was smarter than 99.9% of the population. Well, that figures, I thought.
I could have done better. What a loser I am.
Then they told me that one of the reasons that they thought I had PTSD (which I do not have, go figure) was because I was so hard on myself when I missed questions during that part of the testing!
And I was proving their point by being disappointed in my score! I wanted another chance at the test when I wasn't so stressed out, I told them. It wasn't fair to administer the test right after I had been literally emotionally destroyed by the "bad shrink".
They, of course, did not admit to (and I hadn't really thought about it and come to that conclusion at that point about the good shrink/bad shrink ploy, but I 100% - well almost- think that is their M.O.) they did not admit to that good shrink/bad shrink thing.
They were just amused at how much I was beating myself up over not doing better on that test, and congratulating themselves for being "right about me."But, back to what I started out with.
Yes, anyone could have interpreted my inertia and my messy house and the pizza delivery place having my kid's favorites memorized to me being lazy.
I am quite certain I was accused of laziness more than once; and still am.
And, my middle child, I believe, is depressed.
He plays video games nearly 24/7 and hasn't had a job for more than 3 months since he was old enough to work; and he dropped out of/flunked out of school after his 3rd time in 9th grade, then flunked out of/dropped out of three GED programs.
He is an excellent XBOX live player. He is always bragging about his "ranking".
I have tried to get him help
(he also has dyslexia and ADD, and I could have signed him up for SSI when he was a kid, but I didn't, because I was determined that he would not go "on the dole" and that he would overcome.
Now, I worry that I may have done him a disservice. He is definitely having trouble with living a self-sufficient life. Trouble? No, he is not having "trouble" living a self sufficient life, he just isn't doing it.)
Now, is it laziness (he stays up all night playing video games; he sleeps most of the day) is it depression (he is a candidate; mom has it)
or is it both? It is a chicken and egg dilemma.
I expect him to be personally responsible for his livelihood. I have given him a deadline to get a job, and I have driven him around and called in favours to get him jobs. I am really, really worried about him. He is my son.
I have tried to get him to take anti-depressants, but he will not. When he was a kid, he refused to take Ritalin. But, hey, the kid likes to smoke pot and drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes.
I do not get it.
I know he probably is "self-medicating" with the booze and the pot.
The self-destructive behavior is a big red flag for depression.
I know I felt inertia when I was severely depressed, and still it is one of my lingering symptoms. But, what do I do with a 21 year old Man living in my house that stays up all night, messes up the kitchen, plays video games and cusses so loud I can hear him outside when some thing in the game doesn't go his way (around my 11 year old son and my 2 year old grandson)
and won't get up to look for a job, and when I take him and introduce him, he slumps over, wears his lip ring, and generally acts disinterested, and he has done this since he was 14.
He has had one car repoed and the one he is in now, my mother helped him get, and it is about to be repoed too.
For 7 years, I have taken him to shrinks, counselling, inpatient, social services, private tutors, Sylvan Learning Centers, The Reading Center, indulged his hobbies (skating and gaming) as ways to make his life more enjoyable as I also assuaged my guilt over his problems being somehow my fault either genetically or socially or both.
and now, I have to face a personal dilemma about this lazy vs depressed issue with my own son
and I am at wits end.
I am starting to think he may truly be disabled himself, even for my stringent definition, but it is hard for me to accept, since I know he is not retarded, he is quite bright, he is really adept at the gaming, so I know he can learn, make quick decisions, and has really good eye-hand co-ordination.
I have tried to get him into tech schools, but he can't until he gets his GED and he has had so many chances to get it, and he just won't.
He was at a do it at your own pace GED program in Austin, and he dropped out-twice.
Well, I may have to do something I don't want to do here in the near future.
This lazy vs depressed and what to do about it is very close to home with me.
poster:kylenn
thread:674781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/poli/20060610/msgs/675073.html