Posted by gardenergirl on July 2, 2006, at 4:28:21
In reply to Re: Not over first block yet *trigger*, posted by Deneb on July 2, 2006, at 0:10:19
Deneb,
I can hear how painful this was for you, and how intense you still feel when thinking about the block and the possibility of being blocked. One of the ways we can begin to heal the hurt and move forward is by moving towards acceptance. With acceptance, a person understands and accepts the whole of the event that is painful--Truly accepts it, versus fighting against feeling it. Some of what you expressed below suggest possible "sticking points" in moving towards healing, and I wanted to try to reframe them for your consideration. Feel free to take them or leave them as you see fits best for you.> Dr. Bob, you hurt me when you block me.
I believe you feel extreme hurt. But consider how it might feel if you were to view the block and the hurt from an alternate point of view: Dr Bob didn't hurt me. I feel hurt because he blocked me, though. He did not cause this hurt, he merely applied a rule as an administrator. His giving me the block was a consequence of my behavior while making posts here.
Does viewing it that way ring true in any way? How does it affect the intensity of your pain? Any change?
> I know you're just doing your job when you block people, but I just wanted you to know how much it hurts me.
And what if you said this, instead of the above? ...but I just wanted you to know how hurt I feel. Saying "how hurt I feel" is slightly different from saying "how much *it* hurts me. The latter still places the hurt within the power of the other, in this case, Dr. Bob. Whereas expressing it as "how hurt I feel" puts the power of the hurt (and subsequently to heal) within you, where you have control over it.
> I just wish you could say, "There, there, sorry you were hurt". :-(
That kind of soothing usually does feel pretty good, doesn't it? The way you phrased it is quite evocative of a loving parent soothing a crying child. That's a sweet image. I hope you have images of that from your childhood. Every child deserves and needs this kind of soothing at times. Of course, as we grow older into adulthood, we more and more have to soothe ourselves. Than can be difficult when painful emotions are felt so intensely. It's a skill that can be learned, however. (I'm still learning it, particularly when I'm in a "ramped up" emotion phase.)
The thing is, if one wishes for another to soothe, to the detriment of self-soothing, I think that's how we get stuck in pain. It puts the power to heal in an external person versus keeping it where it's most effective, within the individual. One may also wish for the person "who hurt them" to do the soothing, sometimes as a way to "prove" that they still love them. So if the person doesn't provide the soothing, our thoughts get jumbled and skewed about them and about us.
But if a person's perspective is that "I feel hurt" versus "so and so hurt me", then it can lead smoothly into self-soothing. Whereas feeling "done to" tends to lead to feeling a need for someone to "make it up".
These are subtle yet important differences in how we view our emotions, our behavior, and others behavior. Still, shifting your frame of reference from that of depending on outside factors for emotional balance to one which places the control within you can help someone start to feel less "out of control" at times with their emotions and more able to feel them, accept events, and to move forward.
>
I'd like to hear what you think about this, but you don't have to reply. You don't even have to give this any consideration if you feel it's off base. But do feel free to "try on" this perspective to see how it feels.Take care,
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:663157
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20060622/msgs/663453.html