![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 4:18:17
This isn't really political...
I sent my Mother an email where I basically said a bunch of things I've been thinking. Wondered whether she only had me for my Father and so on. Basically said most of my childhood was horrible because of how she used to hit me and scream at me and so on.
I tried phoning, since, and she hasn't picked up. That is odd, for her.
I imagine her being on the phone to everyone she knows telling them what a bad and evil daughter I am. How it's no wonder she suffers such horrid anxiety with such an ungrateful bitch of a child...
Just like she used to do when I was a kid.
But just like when I was a kid I haven't actually done anything wrong.
But she will be wigging out about it, no doubt.
Genuinely distressed.
And of course now I start to feel guilty because she's been giving me money towards my motorcycle (paying the registration and insurance).
And of course... That's precisely why she gives me money, now. So that I will still have something to do with her and so that I won't bring up or confront her with any of the stuff I just did.
Only...
What kind of relationship is that?
Anyway...
I do feel bad. I'm not a mean person and I don't like to see another being suffer. On the other hand I think of how she just loved to induce suffering in me (when she thought she could get away with it) and that makes it a bit harder...
And there's the money...
Everyone seems determined to train me into a sociopath.
Anyway. Faith. Trust. Give the dust some time to settle...
I'll just leave things alone for a while. She has an email address for me. Ball's in her court.
Posted by SLS on November 19, 2018, at 8:40:02
In reply to I feel kinda bad..., posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 4:18:17
Cause and effect.
I think any negative reaction by your mother to what you said was predictable. I hope that you two can reconnect to have a relationship that is good for both of you. Right now, your mother might not want a reconciliation under any circumstances. Maybe she does. I hope she does.
I can isolate the cause and effect for the development of my life-ruining depression to what my mother did to me when I was young. At some point, I decided that there was no advantage to confronting her with this fact.
Even though the things you said to your mother are probably true, you might want to apologize to her anyway. It is probably better to do this sooner than rather than later in order to prevent your mother from building up resentments that would make it more difficult for you to reconcile with her.
Maybe this is not the best thing for you to do. You know your mother best. Do you think that simply giving her time to process things will be sufficient for her to reach out to you or take your phone calls?
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 19:53:41
In reply to Re: I feel kinda bad... » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on November 19, 2018, at 8:40:02
> I think any negative reaction by your mother to what you said was predictable.
Yes. That's true. And I guess that is why I feel guilty / bad about having done it.
Do I regret having done it? I'm not sure...
> I hope that you two can reconnect to have a relationship that is good for both of you. Right now, your mother might not want a reconciliation under any circumstances. Maybe she does. I hope she does.
I am not sure how I feel about her. I enjoy her company sometimes. When we have not had any contact for a while and so she is on her 'best behaviour' (as she would say). I suppose I haven't been enjoying her company in recent times because she uses money as a bribe in her interaction with people.
For example, if I'm talking to her she will be, like 'I put some money into x and y and z's bank account for Christmas and I only got a thankyou letter / phone call from x and y naughty naughty z'. Her attitude seems to be that money buys people. She gives someone some money and now she has brought them interacting with her in a way where they suck it up while she is not on her 'best behavior' for a while (her way of seeing it).
So I feel... Resentful? Yeah.
Like with my motorcycle registration. She said she would pay for that. She could pay the yearly amount in one go (she has the funds to do that) but instead she pays it monthly. That means she gets an interaction with me at least monthly, you see. When she doesn't have to be on her 'best behavior'.
I just...
Why do I take her money?
Yeah. That's right. There was a time... Between 14 and about... Oh... I think I was in my early to mid-twenties where I cut all contact / ties. Completely.
It is hard for me to convey to people the depth of her abuses... I'm a very sensitive person. There wasn't anybody else in the household who I could talk to about anything at all. I had only limited time with friends and most of my school friends it was hard to be proper friends with them because I wasn't really allowed to do much of anything outside school.
The number of nights I was forced to stay seated at the kitchen table until well after midnight because she presented me with a plate full of silver-beet and a segment of cooked pan fried liver. This was 'good food' you see. 'Good healthy food'. I remember I would try and squash it up into a ball around the size of a small orange and force it down my throat to be done with it. if there was any evidence of it in the toilet bowl that was grounds for a beating.
Just persistent sh*t like that.
And now I'm supposed to just forget that stuff happened and be at her beck and call for these little bits of money she throws at me?
I realise that is why she is happy when I'm poor. Because my poverty means she can basically buy me for cheap.
I feel it's a lack of... Honesty. Integrity. Who knows what on my part to actually have much of anything to do with her now.
> I can isolate the cause and effect for the development of my life-ruining depression to what my mother did to me when I was young. At some point, I decided that there was no advantage to confronting her with this fact.Yeah. I thought I decided that at some point.
I started to feel differently.I think it was because I realised that she isn't and won't be supportive of my doing Medicine. She won't be able to see it as something potentially good for her because I'll be in better position to help her... She will see it as something that will mean she will lose me because she won't be able to buy me so cheap anymore.
But if she wanted me to be free...
If you love something set it free... And see...
But she doesn't want to do that...
> Even though the things you said to your mother are probably true, you might want to apologize to her anyway. It is probably better to do this sooner than rather than later in order to prevent your mother from building up resentments that would make it more difficult for you to reconcile with her.I sort of did. I emailed her that I'm sure her life wasn't a bed of roses either. Grandmother seemed stern etc. She didn't have help raising me. There is no help in the country, I know.
> Maybe this is not the best thing for you to do. You know your mother best. Do you think that simply giving her time to process things will be sufficient for her to reach out to you or take your phone calls?
I don't know.
I suppose I wonder / worry whether she's okay. I mean... I hope she hasn't tried to overdose on her pills or something. She doesn't have a history of self-harm, at all, but I worry that she isn't answering her phone because I don't think she has caller ID.
But then historically she liked to think I was bad so she could phone all her friends and tell them how horrible I was... So I have this vision of her sort of frantically doing that over the last few days...
Only then she would likely have answered her phone.
I don't know.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 20:28:30
In reply to Re: I feel kinda bad... » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 19:53:41
i just talked to her. to her answer phone and then she picked up.
she's okay.
one of my other sister's decided to confront her about a bunch of stuff many many many years ago, now, so it isn't like it's something she hasn't been through before...
she doesn't remember.
she doesn't really understand.
she's happy enough being indignant about my now being guilty of 'elder abuse'. so...
_________
i remember a situation years and years ago when i got drunk with a guy and... took advantage of him, i guess. i was sort of interested in him... but sort of not. i mean... i don't think we were particularly compatible long term. i think he was in a relationship with someone (who i didn't know) and that just... didn't mean anything to me. i guess... i used him for my ends at the time and i didn't really respect his, at all. then the next day i was kind of... aloof with him... wanting to drink or whatever...
at the time i really don't know what i was thinking. but it was a case of my completely disregarding his ends and preferences and interests in favor of my own. he was a decent guy. a good guy. and i'm not sure why...
but anyway... it's done. and we aren't really friends any longer... and i don't suppose i can blame him at all because really i treated him horribly.
so...
sometimes... people do things like that, huh. even me. so... forgiveness. or something.
i was just really really stressed about my current med application... they're having processing things with it... it was declined because they didn't know i was doing a thesis this year... and the thesis people are saying i didn't submit it when i did (i have email adn track and trace delivery) but people are not processing things and i'm freaking out...
how we deal with stress, aye? how we deal with thinking we are going to miss out.
i feel...
happy. lucky. that she seems to have forgiven me. yeah. there were moments of genuine connection. then it's back to same old.
it's like... some sort of fixed action pattern style of interaction. it is what it is.
there are things i value about her:
- we always had books
- we alwayas had library visits for more books
- she has an honesty about doing what she promises
- she has (at times) helped me with money in a way that enabled me to live without fear
- she sometimes catches passion or enthusiasm for relatively esoteric things that most people don't. for instance she'll sometimes get all genuinely super interested in my thesis or somethign weird like that.
- when she's happy and smiling and in a good mood she's really infecious.my father was most certainly not perfect. he was a sucker for a good-looker. he wouldn't have been blameless at all in the roller coaster ride she would have been.
thanks SLS.
Posted by SLS on November 20, 2018, at 21:34:04
In reply to Re: I feel kinda bad..., posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 20:28:30
Wow. You were abused - badly. I am very glad that you decided to share so much here. It gives me a better idea as to who you are. There is a lot of overlap between your childhood and mine. I wasn't forced to eat liver, though. Yuck.
Good luck with your pursuit of a career in medicine.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2018, at 1:11:12
In reply to Re: I feel kinda bad... » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on November 20, 2018, at 21:34:04
thanks to all you guys, for still being here. so i felt like someone was still here, for me. for others too, i'm sure. but for me, at least in part. responding to my posts.
i did an interview. it seems like there was a fairly genuine misunderstanding because of the way the uni has internal transcripts that have past study and present enrolment but my upload only had past study and they didn't realise my present enrolment (and present enrolment was necessary for eligability). anyway... after some discussion... one day after 2 days of interviews had already been held... they offered me one on the last day, at the end of next week.
they asked about referees about whether i was suitable to work with children... and that got me thinking on some stuff... anyway... it meant i needed to ask people to do that. and i discovered... remembered... that i really do have some wonderful friends irl. i've withdrawn from them in more recent years because things have been going so badly for me (no funds). because that made it hard for me to be an equal in the relationship. but they were all willing to go into bat for me, for this, and i... couldn't believe it, really. i mean... i probably shouldn't doubt them but...
i realise i am my own worst enemy a lot of the time. i don't have much in the way of self-confidence. and i do understand other people don't have the time / energy to go around reassuring me all the time... i do try and be strong. that's probably why i often seem aloof and so on. it's my way of trying to appear strong. anyway... i feel like a lot of people actually want me to succeed in this and i just can't believe it. i mean... i'm so touched. we don't celebrate thanksgiving but i think we probably should. there are a lot of things i'm feeling grateful for, right now.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 11:56:32
In reply to Re: thanks everyone » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on November 25, 2018, at 1:11:12
so now the university is saying they don't think they can tell them that my thesis has been accepted by the deadline.
because, you know. they decided to not let me start until a couple months late. they decided to not accept i'd submitted when i'd submitted. they decided to not start looking for examiners until several weeks after i submitted. they decide that 1200 hours of work cannot be done according to the timeline i did it in. they decide that 120 point paper cannot be done in any less than a year and a half (a 180 point time frame).
basically because...
well...
who is going ot make them?
it is like the university gets a special bonus every time they fail someone / prevent someone from completing in a timely fashion.
the whole 'low road' to growth thing.
apparently there are around 2x as many doctors as their used to be (i guess they probably have around 2 kids so that might be right). and there are around 3,000x as many administrators.
that's how come applications don't seem to be processed anymore. you hear 'declined' and it turns out someone wasn't able to process it at some point so just turfed it because that seemed easier. and they'll let you know it failed right at the last minute they can...
i haven't figured who you are supposed to bribe / offer bl*w j*bs to in order to get people to do their f*ck*ng work, already.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 11:59:16
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 11:56:32
but i guess this is the work that is being done at the university that nobody in their right mind would send their kids to.
i just don't know what to say, anymore.
why?
why am i quoting the university calendar regulations to people whose job it is to act in accordance with them.
why do they seem determined to show me that they can do whatever they want and nobody can do anything about it?
why?
am i supposed to feel... admiration?
i don't understand...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:10:15
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 11:59:16
It's just the brain drain... The people left, and there isn't anybody left. They seem to have gone out of their way to pick the people who aren't much into working, though, or maybe the ones they didn't hire would have been as bad at it...
All my life people tell me 'slow down and wait for everyone else to catch up'. It wouldn't be fair or whatever whatever whatever guilt trip whatever I must slow down and pretend I can't do things I can and so on and so forth. To make room for other people's kids. Other people's kids to be spirited out and up and away quickly quickly on the back of their private school education quickly before the other kids realise that they are seeing years of private school whip cracked over them investment and not any actual genuine *ability* whatsoever...
and now i'm how old? and i'm still supposed to sloooooooooooow dooooooooown. do you have any idea how long it takes an external examiner to check that i've managed to fix up a typographical error?
they keep insisting that 120 point paper should take a year and a half and a three year PhD actually should take 4 years. only, apparently, now, this doesn't even include grading time and so a PhD will take more like 5 years or even 6. and all the while you can do grading work... let's see... how many can you grade in an hour? i do belive it's something like 20 minutes for a 1,500 word undergrduate essay. that's what they pay you for -- but it always takes longer. at least, when you don't employ the 'throw them up the stairs and see how far they fly' assessment schedule...
i'm tired of people taking advantage of my better nature. basically... that's it. i see how much they earn. i see the work they do. i see how fast they work. they see the work i do and they tell me to slow down. they don't even want to give me a living wage. they would rather i be dumber and dumber and dumber and dumber so they can feel more justified about where it is that they are and what it is that they have got. and that is the difference between them and me. and i've f*ck*ng well had enough.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:16:59
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:10:15
and that's what medicine gives you: a line. a deadline. i've had a deadline all year. and they either accept what i've done by the deadline or they get no thesis from me, at all. they either let me do whatever changes they say within 10 weeks or they get no thesis from me, at all.
i am pretty sure they still do get government money for every thesis that actually gets finished up. so i'm pretty sure that this will come through for me. they are just enjoying throwing about whatever power they can manage to throw about now because... that's what the people with power seem to like to do...
i just keep thinking....
how f*ck*ng sad it is that we can't pull together to accomplish even greater things. instead.... people just want to spend their time kicking other people back and stirring trouble and so on...it is what it is. one can only work to get the hell away. awful people.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:29:28
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:16:59
i imagine later it will be all like 'hahahahahaha we had to make you work for it'. only... that doesn't seem right, to me. i did work for it. i did the work for it. i handed in the work for it, already. nothing they did helped me do the work for it any better. all they did was encourage me to slow down or to stop working. mostly it was just a stream of denial and them failing to acknowledge / accept that i had done the work i had actually done. it would be like if you turn up to your job and work for however many hours and then they pretend that you never showed up, at all, and they weren't going to pay you, at all. all year... they've been saying black is white and up is down and so on... saying i hadn't submitted when i had. saying i hadn't completed my enrollment when i had...
all you end up doing is filling out forms for administration. at which point they flurry about trying to enter them into computer systems that will not accept the values... so they make up values or turn the application or the application is culled because of some decision made by the compter system in virtue of the values that were entered or allocated.
i've seen how the systems work, a bit. they typically have a field that requires the person to fill in an outright lie or complete untruth. otherwise the computer system will not handle the application. but then the concern is that an untruth in a field null and voids the application. if that decision is made.
it seems like very little is actually processed anymore.
i mean... lots of monkeys are typing into lots of monkey fields. that's a good job for a graduate. pays well.
but look at who gets what. hey. at the end of the day. look at who gets what.
your whole life becomes talking to admin. there isn't any work being done just the shuffling around of fields for dmin forms. it doesn't matter where you work... health... education... banking... insurance... doesn't matter... it's all the same... foreign computer systems...
this is gdp?
?
this is making sure nobody gets to do anything at all to contribute towards gdp. more like.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:41:53
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:16:59
they're just swamped with undergraduate teaching in these days of 'everyone must have a degree'.
what used to be a place for intellectually curious people and so on has become a place where all the kids must go.
they aren't trying to sort them in any way. aren't trying to reward actual ability and / or actual hard work. we are more of a lottery than that. if you want hard work to be rewarded then here is not the destination of choice.
we embraced the low road... didn't want to limit the number of international students (for example) and teach them well / expect great things of them. we just wanted all the students. as many of them as we could.
the bottleneck is that we don't have people to assess the quality of their work. we can't do quality assessment.
people genuinely can't tell.
the arts degrees got longer and longer and longer... the students were fed some speel on how they need to be *brilliant* to get jobs and so on... that that brilliance comes from taking years and years and years on their theses. basically this idea that their phd is their magnum opus their lifes work. and then they kick at them and kick at them... try and make them believe they will need to work on it for more years than everyone else because they aren't as bright or as naturally talented or...
it's just a horrible awful nasty way to treat people that they supposedly care for and about.
whatever. evidence of completion by friday. then final alterations accepted within 10 weeks.
otherwise: my whole life is basically over. never can apply to medicine. me nill. new zealand one. great job new zealand! seriously... what can i say... what a f*ck*ng joke.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:45:57
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:41:53
because their kids who they magicked through...
well... things just seem to be getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse...
i mean... it used to be that these kids could go to the very best of our public schools. but now they are needing to be hidden away in private.
it used to be that these kids could go to the very best of our universities. but now they are needing to be expatriated.
our last prime ministers kid went to bludge off the public university system of France. i believe.
the private school kids are labouring on cambridge curriculum to try and earn places in UK and US undergrdaute degree programs.
the people in charge of here have all bailed on here.
their system of helping their own has made things not only worse for everyone else... but actually for them and their own as well.
damn.
you don't get much stupider than that.
surely.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:49:16
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:45:57
deeeeeeeep breaths.... these people in charge of the people at the looooooooowest levels. sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:59:50
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:49:16
and mostly it's just about my remembering that here is psychopath land for the psychopaths. we basically have a bunch of people trying to convert others to becoming psychopaths, just like them, and then they get to feel like their life choices are okay / justified / justifiable.
i just try and minimise the interaction and work to get out.
i did well in the interview with smiling and being like 'whatever'. nobody was going to get me riled up about whatever because i don't actually give a crap about any of it. i'm done talking rubbish to people who like to argue for arguments sake. it's just not pleasant for me, at all. i mean, whatever. if you want to tell the world that you think people should just take what they can when they can then whatever. what do i look like? your ethics teacher? your mother? you do you. whatever. you do do.
it was f*ck*ng weird.
whatever.
things are a lot worse, here. people are starting to say that maaori / new zealand isn't egalitarian. the white people may have thought it was with this notion of a 'fair go' being a kiwi thing, but maaori / new zealand never signed up for egalitarianism.
as maaori make their way up through the university ranks we are starting to see a lot more censorship at university. partly it is about failing students because they don't like what they have to say (what happened to me). partly it is about things like banning people from speaking because they didn't like what they had to say once. particularly: if you call someone a racist that seems to mean you don't ever have to listen to them, again. even if it is actually unclear on the basis of what they said whether they were racist or not.
The Orewa Speech was apparently racist:
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/PA0401/S00220.htm
To the point where the politicain was not allowed to speak at a University because he was a 'racist' because of that particular speech that I linked to above.
We cannot have a dialogue about what the Treaty means. We cannot have a dialogue about how segregation vs rule of law is supposed to go. We cannot have a conversation the small minority of elites (both Maaori elites and Pakeha elites) who mop up all the money and power to pass on to their kids (who have the birthright to the upper hand) in this awful hierarchical country of ours.
Free speech is not here.
Justice?
?
?
kim.com funded his own f*ck*ng trial. That's how come he got one. There is no justice here.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:03:42
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2018, at 23:49:16
and whatever. whatever whatever whatever. what can i do about any of that?
just let me learn to look after myself. properly.
then maybe, if you get sick one day, there might actually be someone around who does know what's wrong in time enough to help things not end so tragically, so soon.
but i don't know... the whole death wish thing... i don't think most of the people in these parts actually even care about competent medical care or about training people who might become competent to provide it.
whatever.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:05:15
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:03:42
i mean their kids can:
get in there!
have a go!
interview them from afar via skypehells, people all around the world can enjoy the livestream. see the standard of care provided to new zealanders in rural communities. assess the clinical skills of those doctors...
whatever.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:10:12
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:05:15
deep breaths.
it'll be okay.
it will all be over soon.
it's just that the university seems to have genuinely forgotten / deluded itself into thinking that a 120 point paper represents more than 1 academic years worth of work. and it simply does not.
all their students are late. that is why they won't be taken seriously on job markets. do they want them to be taken seriously on job markets? do they want better students or just more students?
whatever...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:22:11
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:10:12
it's some form of communications is all. leading from the top.
i am starting to see that the main reason why a lot of academic work is done is because people are working towards things for medicine.
in order to get into medical school. in order to get a match to a good program. in order to progress your career.
every step of the way they provide a bunch of hoops to jump through or tasks to be ticked off.
it provides some kind of a structure. but it also provides some kind of a... breadth? for society.
i mean... a lot of work is done in the basic sciences only becuase people are required to do that kind of work before they are allowed to study medicine.
the New Zealand system requires you to have completed a degree from a NZ uni in the last 5 years. and that provides probably the only driver that there is for unis around the country to allow at least some of their students to finish their degrees in a timely fashion. otherwise, probably, nobody would ever get to. my doing this... has lit a bit of a fire up under the arts. because they tell themselves stories about how the arts is special / different and it is a different kind of a student with different work habits and so on... which somehow justifies them keeping their students kicked back and down and forever on probably less tham minimum wage pay for the hours they extract from them with grading undergraduate student work...
and i guess it's a lesson for me with respect ot how there is no justice here, really. not so as you can rely on it. i've learned how other countries are more structured with curriculums and deadlines and so to work for them in the first instance. it is random here what is rewarded... we don't seem to value work so much... our district health boards prefer the low road... they prefer people who haven't been accepted on specialist training programs (people who are not progressing qualifilcations). low pay. lots of hours. you want to minimise time spent doing that. your clinical skills will become... not fit to practice in developed nations. i'm sure... get out soon as you can...
it's sad but it seems to be how the people here have decided they want to live. i guess it's part of giving it back. new zealand, i mean. giving it back to elite maaori to... i don't know... behead their enemies. i don't suppose it will come to that... i don't know what to say.
maaori are fine. it's just a few... maaoridom... a few prominant ones... almost strategically placed to try and make a country racist.
i try and remember mjy childhood friends... friends i have met later in life... maaori. they didn't hvae time for maaori b*llsh*t politics either.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 14:42:00
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 0:22:11
They are just having me on. That they can't get work done on time. Administrators and graders. The people in the University who earn in excess of $100,000 per year have charge cards, in some instances, they can even charge personal expenses to those charge cards. But try and get reminbursement for thesis binding costs and the hoops you jump through and the administration forms that must be filled and the forms sit in people's inboxes for 5 weeks here and 5 weeks there and processing grinds to a halt unless you are physically there to stand over people and force them to do their work.
But we like to live like this. We like for things to be like that. We like for hundreds of students to be prevented from doing quality work and prevented from having decent housing and prevented from having this, that, and the other basic thing... So that these awful people can mop up all this money each and every year and simply sit on their *ss*s and play dumb.
But then they get sick...
And what do they expect?
It doesn't really make any sense...
Maybe the ethics lady in the interview was right with her suggestion that people simply don't think. Really at all / very much.
Maybe it is as... Was it Horney? Who said about the death wish...
Maybe it is that. The psychopath strategy. Take what you can for as long as you can and you sort of accept your time is limited.
I sort of think that people soften with age. That they might come to have a kid they feel fondly about.
I guess that might be true, sometimes. But othertimes people don't seem to change at all. And supposing you do change... Then what? Knowledge that one is a hypocrite? Steps towards atonement?
Whatever...
I'm tired of people treating me like I'm intellectually handicapped. Just because they think they can get away with it.
I'm tired of this awful country where people mostly do seem to get away with all the awful things they choose to do.
What is contributing towards GDP in this awful country? All that is done is in spite of and never because of.
F*ck*ng nasty people. Nasty, nasty, nasty.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 19:13:58
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 14:42:00
i guess the thought is that it's some kind of a hazing or rite of passage...
i guess the thought really is that it is a bunch of work for the external examiner that they would really rather not do. so... if they can put you off... put you off... put you off... until they can say 'okay it's perfect whatever'. but they can't sign off on it until it is perfect (with typos and whatever) i guess...
so i have to push a bit about how i'll work my *ss off to fix everything up in a couple weeks...
but they will have to move, too, to get it done in 10.
i guess the initial reaction (unless it is perfect) is to try and delay for another 6 months or whatever. in the hope the internal examiner can do the work in getting it fixed up.
but that isn't going to get anybody finished on time.
so i have to bang on a bit about how i've worked really hard in a compressed time frame for this... so now i need other people to work a bit like that for us to get it done.
it'll be okay.
they are just making me sweat. but i guess they are sweating a little too... trying to get their report finished. trying to get the reccommendatio in (can't be done until the report is finished).
then i won't have to do anymore philosophy...
except you get 2 points for 2 publications so i'll need those... and probably easier for me to get philosophy ones than science ones... though i will look into summer scholarships for basic sciences will be up in the air whether i'll manage to get one of those... and also up in the air whether it will lead to anything publishable or not. but they pay okay which wil pay for some examinations so fingers crossed i get at least one...
back to memorising microbes and vitamins, i think. enjoy the work / stuff you get to learn... worked so hard to get to do it.
i swears getting started is the hardest
(don't hold me to that or try and prove me wrong).
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2018, at 2:12:07
In reply to Re: thanks everyone, posted by alexandra_k on December 5, 2018, at 19:13:58
so initially she was all jumping over 'elder abuse' with glee.
she made me an abuser - just like her!! win!!
then after my genuine apology...
after some more time...
she asked me... from a very rational place. from a calm and clear place... whether i meant it.
and i was all, like, 'well, it's one side of the story, but i'm sure you have another' and she didn't jump on that, at all. she didn't jump to defend herself or to try and guilt me into saying the opposite or whatever. she just accepted it. actually. yeah. i did.
i feel...
calm about it, i guess. it's been festering away ever since i was a kid, i guess. i finally told her a bunch of stuff. i didn't do it out of retaliation or whatever. i mean, i knew it would hurt her, but it was stuff that... well... perhaps it was stuff that needed to be said.
she did say 'we didn't have much when you were growing up'. and i replied 'no, you put it into your savings plan'. which she did. and instead of giving me, say, 50c per week (which was what the school suggested when we were little) she put nothing in mine, and a little over $20 in hers. she saved for herself but not for me. and she gives me stuff now that she never gave to me when i was growing up.
when i lived in her household and there was nothing i could do about the fact that she wouldn't pay for me to sit my lisence and get a car... when there was nothing i could do about her not letting me get a job in the supermarket or a paper route.
and she gives me money to do those things now... however many years later. because it means i contact her every now and then. because she thinks i wouldn't contact her otherwise. because she would rather throw money at it than work / try to have a relationship where she brings something to the table other than money. just... being supportive or nice or something like that, even.
but she didn't seem hurt. or she didn't seem anxious to have me alleviate her hurt. she just sort of accepted it.
and said something matter of fact about how she won't be along much longer. not in an inducing guilt kind of way, either.
only i'm sure she'll be kicking around in an expenseive old folkd home well after i've retired.
not that anybody's ever going to let me get started.
i just continually pour money into the system that will only ever expediate their very own kids.
that seems to be the thing, really.
i think teh thing now is that british theorist who (oh, say 10 years ago) thought that female autism presents as verbal... that's where the medical testing is at this year.
oh. please. let me subsidise that for you and your research.
choke.
how can i have any respect for them at all when they dismiss me so?
how can i have any respect at all for a system that so obviously draws a ring around the 'me and mine' vs everyone else and develops the algorithm to justify that retrospectively? how many applicants get 'aborted' where their applications get culled for... no reason at all. the applicants just get told they aren't good enough.
it's all so arbitrary seeming...
that will be why it is that you just can't get any help, aroune here. all the incompetent people expediated through for the good of... uh... for the good of...
heave.
This is the end of the thread.
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