Posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 20:28:30
In reply to Re: I feel kinda bad... » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on November 19, 2018, at 19:53:41
i just talked to her. to her answer phone and then she picked up.
she's okay.
one of my other sister's decided to confront her about a bunch of stuff many many many years ago, now, so it isn't like it's something she hasn't been through before...
she doesn't remember.
she doesn't really understand.
she's happy enough being indignant about my now being guilty of 'elder abuse'. so...
_________
i remember a situation years and years ago when i got drunk with a guy and... took advantage of him, i guess. i was sort of interested in him... but sort of not. i mean... i don't think we were particularly compatible long term. i think he was in a relationship with someone (who i didn't know) and that just... didn't mean anything to me. i guess... i used him for my ends at the time and i didn't really respect his, at all. then the next day i was kind of... aloof with him... wanting to drink or whatever...
at the time i really don't know what i was thinking. but it was a case of my completely disregarding his ends and preferences and interests in favor of my own. he was a decent guy. a good guy. and i'm not sure why...
but anyway... it's done. and we aren't really friends any longer... and i don't suppose i can blame him at all because really i treated him horribly.
so...
sometimes... people do things like that, huh. even me. so... forgiveness. or something.
i was just really really stressed about my current med application... they're having processing things with it... it was declined because they didn't know i was doing a thesis this year... and the thesis people are saying i didn't submit it when i did (i have email adn track and trace delivery) but people are not processing things and i'm freaking out...
how we deal with stress, aye? how we deal with thinking we are going to miss out.
i feel...
happy. lucky. that she seems to have forgiven me. yeah. there were moments of genuine connection. then it's back to same old.
it's like... some sort of fixed action pattern style of interaction. it is what it is.
there are things i value about her:
- we always had books
- we alwayas had library visits for more books
- she has an honesty about doing what she promises
- she has (at times) helped me with money in a way that enabled me to live without fear
- she sometimes catches passion or enthusiasm for relatively esoteric things that most people don't. for instance she'll sometimes get all genuinely super interested in my thesis or somethign weird like that.
- when she's happy and smiling and in a good mood she's really infecious.my father was most certainly not perfect. he was a sucker for a good-looker. he wouldn't have been blameless at all in the roller coaster ride she would have been.
thanks SLS.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1102115
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/poli/20181106/msgs/1102121.html