Posted by yellowbird01 on February 11, 2009, at 17:01:51
In reply to Re: Miserable » yellowbird01, posted by Kath on February 11, 2009, at 14:55:36
Thanks you all for the support...
Yes Kath, it truly is physically painful. I feel it physically in every part of my body, especially in my heart. Every breath hurts.
I went back to work today and it was so hard. Coworkers all know, but they were talking about husbands/VDay/etc right there, and I had to leave the room. I work in child welfare and the idea of dealing with my cases right now is next to impossible. Not without coming home to a hug and kiss after it all. We never lived together, but he was here enough it felt like it.
I sit in my living room right now where I can see my front door. I can picture him walking in that door, walking over to give me a kiss hello. It's a 1 BR apartment so there's no getting away from the areas that scream "him" and "us".
He'd bought me a beautiful slip piece from Victorias Secret a few weeks ago. I'd never had anything like it before and I was so excited to wear it, waiting for the right moment. I saw his eyes when I tried it on and I loved it. I never got to wear it. It's still in my closet. For some reason, of all the little things, that one really stings.
We're still in touch. I dont know if that's good or bad. I feel better when we talk. I really think I'd feel worse all around if we werent talking at all. But who knows.
My therapist is a wonderful woman. I saw her yesterday and held it together mostly all session. I was so mad at myself for that. I left her a message very upset asking her to call, then after calming down, left another saying nevermind that I was okay. She called back anyway, around 9:30pm. She said she was just worried and wanted to check in. It was a really good conversation. She helps. Unfortunately, nothing else matters right now except the fact that my John is no longer my John. It's about to storm here and I want him here with me on the couch. I feel like I've a huge chunk of myself and my heart.
I know they say it always gets better, even though it feels like it wont. I just cant imagine this ever getting better. How will I ever accept and be okay with the fact that he's not coming back in the way he used to be here? How can I ever go back to the places that we went together? It's a small town so that was a lot of places. I cant stop running the things through my head... the good times, the smallest things at home, everything. How do I do it?
I'm an idiot for not really having other friends and putting so much into this relationship. Boy, it hurts.
BTW, most of you do know who I am, without realizing it. Not a stranger.. not really anyway. I switched my posting name on admin recently. If you're curious, feel free to babblemail me.
poster:yellowbird01
thread:879150
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090209/msgs/879494.html