Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 21, 2007, at 19:07:38
In reply to Re: helping *trigger*, posted by Deneb on January 21, 2007, at 18:28:24
> There's a big difference between self harm and wanting to kill ones self. Maybe think of mini ODing as the same as superficial cutting? Would one need to see a professional every single time he cut? Even if it weren't medically serious?
>
> I didn't take a big OD, I only took 2 grams of ASA. I need a lot more than that to harm myself.
>
> Deneb*Deneb,
Did you harm yourself? How can any of us (even you, even your pdoc) ever know for sure? I don't even want you to come *close* to harming yourself.I think you might want to consider different ways of understanding what self-harm is. Didn't you have a nosebleed? Don't you think that is unusual? Didn't you relate your "mini OD" to your nosebleed and say that the OD caused the nosebleed?
Maybe it's not useful for us to argue about whether or not (or the degree to which) you are harming yourself. Perhaps it might be useful for you to think about these issues from a different point of view.
I do NOT view self-harm, suicidal ideation, and such as innocuous behaviors. I think that they are expressive behaviors, but that they carry a real risk, however much we wish to assuage ourselves after the fact that we are "okay". I urge Deneb to find other ways of expressing distress than to do things that cause nosebleeds or hospitalization or even broken skin. There ARE better ways
I'm really working hard on this myself, Deneb, so please try to understand that I'm not being judgemental of you. I justify my own self-injury over and over again. I wish I could get OUT of my own cycle, but it requires constant vigilance. Just when I think everything is under control, I do something that I will later be ashamed of and regret.
In your posts on this matter, I hear a mixture of regret (taken to extremes = I will never OD again) and also self-defense (I didn't take enough to hurt myself; my pdoc doesn't seem concerned, etc.)
Maybe I can add a new thing to think about. Think about important people in your life. Your Mom, Your Sister, and I'm going to invoke your warm feelings toward Dr. Bob too.
When you feel desperate, imagine that you are trying too coach your sister, or Dr. Bob from performing this behavior.
"Dear Dr. Bob, please don't take those pills. That's too much. I don't care if a pdoc says it's not dangerous, it's just too much. Dr. Bob, I don't want you to have a nosebleed because you took too much. Even if you seem fine and healthy otherwise, I wish you had expressed your pain using words rather than by punishing yourself and trying to ease your suffering by hurting your body"
I realize that this sounds really silly, but I'm serious. I'm SO serious that I am actually not worried about seeming stupid (I HATE appearing stupid). I just wish I could give Deneb some other options for next time she feels intense distress (there will always be a next time...). There ARE other options besides a) tell professional or loved one that I'm going to take pills and b) taking pills before telling professional and loved ones that I took pills and c) [I don' even want to contemplate Deneb harming herself and NOT being treated for it].
Deneb, I'm not sure of your current feelings- whether you're feeling strong now, unsure, whether you're feeling okay or distressed. I really want you to know that I consider you a very special person, and I'm very fond of you. I would not wish anything bad to happen to you, regardless of who's at fault, what the circumstance was, or whatever. I just don't want you to hurt. period.
I know it's hard Deneb. I also know that you are a very clever and courageous person who tries very hard. My sincere wish is that the next time you have these uncomfortable thoughts and urges, try to place your self-injury behavior in a larger context that includes people who love and care about you.
best,
Llp.s. Deneb or administrators, please babble-mail me if what I write seems like too much pressure. If I'm pushy, it's because I like Deneb too much, but I don't want her to hurt as a result of my pressure. Thank you in advance
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:723690
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070112/msgs/724942.html