Posted by corafree on March 24, 2006, at 4:15:07
In reply to Re: HAVE A SUICIDE PLAN » corafree, posted by SLS on March 21, 2006, at 15:25:10
Scott:
> Do you feel guilty?
I feel guilty for any pain I cause others, or time/attn I take from others.
My physical injuries limit my ability to do a lot of things for myself and don't like asking for help. I used to run. I have breakthrough back pain 2-3x a mo. and cannot afford surgery. I know I've disappointed my mother. I feel she had this 'big dream' for me .. I should have been so outstanding!? She has never once shown any acknowledgement of my having a mental problem. I will prob' live out my life alone now; five long-term relationships .. people say I expect too much. My life has been a bridge for others to get from where they were to where they are now.
I don't want to hurt those that love me and need me (three children). Even tho' two of them don't often visit .. I think I'm in their back pockets. My nonsupportive daughter runs into trouble around every corner; wouldn't want to set a precedent.
Been seeking relief for so long. I had intended to be a wise, warm, wonderful grandmother. There's that saying, lie in the bed you made; but it doesn't feel like 'I made life'. It feels like my life made me!
I've always believed hell does not exist, and I have a lot of difficulty seeing evil/bad in other people.
I pray for relief from physical and emotional pain. I don't trust anymore; used to w/o batting an eye. The world saddens me now. So many people seem to be 'playing a game'. An outstanding man was left to pass away in a small grey hospital room. This isn't right.
Shall I stay and grow old and more ill? How will I pay my way if I intend to not seek a partner? I'm at an all-time low when it comes to 'hope' and an all-time high when it comes to sadness.
Scott, I don't know what I did wrong. I would have to have done something wrong to feel guilty. Significant people in my life have made it clear that I have not 'made a life'.
I've sincerely apologized to people in my life whom I may have hurt.
> Guilt is a feeling that is often a symptom of depression. It sounds like there might be more going on here, though. It is good that you are receptive to psychotherapy. <
Because I've always felt there was something more going on w/ me, I'd asked for 'that kind of therapy where you go back to your first bad experience' (Don't know what it is called.), but am not going to receive that through county, unless we do a timeline re: grief. I grieve a lot and not just re: death.
> You're a survivor - that's obvious. <
Yeah, I usually 'keep coming back', but I think losing my father is making this 'comeback' tremendously difficulty.
There's something I learned about myself in the last year. Most folks think astrology is bad. I don't. I went to an astrologist in Sedona and had my chart done. She said, "You have a chart that is similar to what we believe Jesus Christ's chart would have looked like." I mentioned this to a different astrologist where I live and he asked me for my info and to do a chart. He said, "I see what she's talking about." He didn't elaborate. My rising and sun signs are head and heart. Five, at least, and maybe six, of my planets are fire signs.
> It's good that you reached out for help rather than isolate and risk performing impulsive acts.<
Do you think I'm just seeking attn and, if so, why would I do that? Maybe it's because I'm scared? I think, 'I really want to live!' I think something good 'might' be coming my way (I guess there's a tiny bit of hope). Probability not good based on last 30yrs tho'. I don't think I could handle just withering away.
U didn't really ask for all this?! Whoops .. I better get some sleep. I'm sorry.
Tks for zooming in from afar when I needed you.
cf
poster:corafree
thread:622576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060324/msgs/624078.html