Posted by sunny10 on March 12, 2005, at 7:55:41
In reply to Re: just existing... » sunny10, posted by AuntieMel on March 11, 2005, at 10:46:15
> > as I have been "abandoned" so many times, it DOES feel like everyone can't deal with me; that I am someone that no one actually wants to be with.
> >
>
> That is something to look at. I don't know much about your past, but maybe you are somehow attracted to people that can't truly be there?
>
> The family lady says 'your picker's broke' in that case.
>
> Of course, it could just *seem* that way right now when you're in the middle of turmoil.
>
> > I feel that he will ultimately choose drugs over me. And I know that if I ACT like a b*tch that he should leave- he will. A self-fullfilling prophecy at that point. So I am expanding great portions of energy fighting this feeling; hiding exactly how paranoid I am inside.
> >
>
> Don't fight the feeling. Those feelings are boringly normal for people in your situation. Accept the feeling as valid and then work on making it feel better.
>
> Nobody willingly chooses the drugs, but addiction is a powerful thing. It takes a full time commitment to get on the right road.
>
>
> > Will I ever stop feeling paranoid? Will I ever even be able to "be sure" that he has stopped? CAN anyone actually overcome psychological addictions like cocaine which doesn't leave a chemical imprint for any longer than three days? Because he has gone more than three days without doing it only to do it again in a month...
>
> In order: Yes, no and yes. You can quit being paranoid. You can never 'be sure' he's quit for good - a really nice lady just went through the iop who had 23 years of sobriety and relapsed. It can happen. But you *can* learn not to live in fear of it.
>
> Cocaine doesn't leave a trail in the blood for more than three days, but it takes a lot longer to work it out of the system. I've heard there are still residuals in muscle tissue, bone marrow, etc, that can take years to get out.
>
> Paranoia? One thing you can learn (as has my family) that relapses do occur. It is only a failure if the person gives up and quits trying. My hubby says that he wouldn't be a bit surprised if I relapsed, but the only thing that would make him mad is if I started lying and denying.
>
> Can it be 'cured?' No. But it can be put at bay. There's a guy in our group that had failed rehab several times - a crackhead to fit all stereotypes - ghetto, guns, the whole bit. He's got more clean time than me.
>
> >
> > Am I crazy for believing that the relationship will last any longer than the year and five months left on our lease? He says "yes", he says that he doesn't want to do the drugs anymore because his body is getting older and his health is becoming affected (sinus infections, loss of nasal tissue, inability to "snap back" after a coke binge, et cetera). And that he knows I am concerned for his health and our future. And that he doesn't want his money going up his nose...
>
> Ask him if he's willing to turn the money over to you to help him resist. It's so hard to resist with cash in your pocket. Tell him you're on his side and want to help - and if he asks you for control back in a sober moment you will give it back.
>
> >
> > Do I believe him? Can I afford to believe him? Am I a control freak because I don't want him to take "recreational drugs" in our house where my son could come upon him sniffing it up his nose (not to mention the health issues- do I want to plan a future with someone who may decide to "do just a little bit more this time" and die of a heart attack or stroke)? Is all of this MY issue and none of it his?
>
> Two issues. First - do you believe him. YES!!!! No addict wants to go on. But it isn't a matter of wanting, completely. The hardest thing to get through an addicts head is that it is *not* just a matter of willpower, and it is *not* a defect of character. The twelve steps don't all start with "we" for no reason. It *does* require that he's honest with himself and others and that he not be too proud to ask for help.
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> Hard to think of addicts as proud, but it's true.
>
> He needs to get it through his head - to use an AA cliche - that his best thinking put him there and he needs to give that up and trust others.
>
> The other issue is your son. I don't know how old he is, but it doesn't really matter. Kids of all ages - even before they can talk - can sense that something isn't right. There needs to be an age appropriate level of honesty there, too. If you tell him things are 'ok' he'll grow up thinking this is normal. You can say sick or something like that, but not 'ok.'
>
> >
> > I am just soooooo overwhelmed right now. On the one hand, I feel justified in wanting him to quit; because he says he wants to also, but on the other hand, I am concerned that after being controlled by others for so long that maybe now I'M the control freak.... I don't know what to think or which direction to turn.
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> You have a right to not want to live with an active addict, but if you want to help him get well, don't try to control. It won't work anyway. Work on yourself so you are strong enough to be of help when he needs it.
>
> I highly recommend "The Language of Letting Go" for you. It's daily meditations for families of addicts.
>
>thank you so much for your input. I am working on the hobby thing for myself- and the "not talking to him about it" when I "think" he's using...(I say it that way because I am now paranoid that he is using all the time....
the cash in pocket thing is harder. He eschews credit/debit cards, and has always gone the way of cash and carry, so I can't even THINK of a rational way to ask him to NOT have cash in his pocket. Part of his pay is in cash, for instance.
he has also been a "victim" of gold-digging females so HE has a trust issue regarding co-mingling of funds, much less giving over control of it to me for the sake of quitting.
And, yes, he is VERY proud. He considers himself "an alpha male" in all ways- both positive and negative values; and is working on adapting his communication skills as he lived in the mountains with almost all males for the last twelve years...For instance, he communicates in ways that are intimidating to females (finger pointing, "in your face" confrontational debating, et cetera.) I have pointed out that he will never actually win a debate with me if he resorts to this behavior because I will either let him win or run from the room, depending on how afraid of him I am at that moment- and how "right" can you be if it's your behavior that ends a debate and not your facts??!!
He says that he loves me. He says that he wants to quit the drugs. He says he wants to win a debate based on the facts he presents rather than "brute force".
But after he has lied to me several times now, I am unsure when to believe him no matter WHAT it is that he is saying....
As far as the "broken picker" goes, I had come to believe that this was true and had given up on ever actually having a relationship again. I was actively "off the market" for quite some time when he came and "picked ME". He left his job and his home halfway across the country to be with me. I didn't ask him to- does that mean his "picker's broke", too??
If I could just get past the paranoia that makes my stress level go through the roof- palms sweating, heart racing, et cetera, I would be able to deal with things more rationally. Will that come within any reasonable amount of time with his pride such that he won't even talk about it? It's that pride thing you mentioned... I asked him to talk to me about how hard it is to say no everyday when his co-workers are snorting in the bathroom and when they ask him if he wants to buy some, et cetera, because I told him that I wanted to be able to help in the only way I could- by listening to him so he could vent his frustrations. He agreed to do it at the time, but hasn't said a thing since... this was a month and a half ago.
And that, of course, is why I feel that he ISN'T saying "no" at all....
How do you get a proud man to communicate "feelings", anyway???
If I can figure out a rational way to write that out, I'll give it to him. But I know that I am not being particularly rational right now...
I really appreciate the time and effort you put into my questions, Auntie Mel. I know that telling me how you were the "user" is difficult and that you are putting aside your own pride a little to help me. I cannot tell you how much this means to me...
He already has a lockbox- I think he actually uses it to hide the drugs from ME, but my son won't just come across them... My son chose to live with his father in any case (he's 13 and a half)... I am more afraid that when he stops over to visit (he is within walking distance and sometimes doesn't call first) that he will walk up to the back door and see my SO snorting up in the back of the house where he is hiding the using from ME! He has generally chosen his "den" at the back of the house or the basement to hide this use from me. Of course, now I am paranoid everytime he wants to hang out in his den listening to music (which he likes to do almost every night) or down in the basement lifting weights and exercising (which he does at least three times a week). Needless to say, my paranoia is peaked almost everyday! My bowels are a mess, my concentration even at work is shot, my hands shake, blah, blah, blah... I am sick of it.
I am becoming exceedingly angry with myself for even caring WHAT he does. But, then, I love him, so OF COURSE I care what he does to himself! It's a conundrum...
We are in a lease for another year and five months. Do I try to make the relationship work out for the long run, or do I just try to convince myself that he doesn't matter to me and just decide to ignore him and last through the lease?
I think that I wouldn't even be thinking along those lines if he would just be willing to let go of a bit of that pride so that we could at least TALK about what is going on. But even that sentence isn't good news, is it? It is co-dependent to even say "if he/she would only (fill in the blank) then I/we (fill in the blank).
Or have I just been doing too much reading and projecting stuff onto myself??? Am I just making all of tis harder than itneeds to be? Or is it really this hard but will work out?
That's the hardest part for me, I think, the not knowing how much of the problem is me and how much is just living with an addict...
Sorry I'm babbling (and sorry for the pun!)...
Thanks for reading if you actually got this far without walking away in disgust- which I would completely understand!!!
poster:sunny10
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/470007.html