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Re: just existing... » Toph

Posted by sunny10 on March 11, 2005, at 8:35:19

In reply to Re: just existing..., posted by Toph on March 10, 2005, at 15:34:26

as I have been "abandoned" so many times, it DOES feel like everyone can't deal with me; that I am someone that no one actually wants to be with.

I feel that he will ultimately choose drugs over me. And I know that if I ACT like a b*tch that he should leave- he will. A self-fullfilling prophecy at that point. So I am expanding great portions of energy fighting this feeling; hiding exactly how paranoid I am inside.

But I am exhausted before I even get out of bed each morning.

Will I ever stop feeling paranoid? Will I ever even be able to "be sure" that he has stopped? CAN anyone actually overcome psychological addictions like cocaine which doesn't leave a chemical imprint for any longer than three days? Because he has gone more than three days without doing it only to do it again in a month...

Am I crazy for believing that the relationship will last any longer than the year and five months left on our lease? He says "yes", he says that he doesn't want to do the drugs anymore because his body is getting older and his health is becoming affected (sinus infections, loss of nasal tissue, inability to "snap back" after a coke binge, et cetera). And that he knows I am concerned for his health and our future. And that he doesn't want his money going up his nose...

Do I believe him? Can I afford to believe him? Am I a control freak because I don't want him to take "recreational drugs" in our house where my son could come upon him sniffing it up his nose (not to mention the health issues- do I want to plan a future with someone who may decide to "do just a little bit more this time" and die of a heart attack or stroke)? Is all of this MY issue and none of it his?

I am just soooooo overwhelmed right now. On the one hand, I feel justified in wanting him to quit; because he says he wants to also, but on the other hand, I am concerned that after being controlled by others for so long that maybe now I'M the control freak.... I don't know what to think or which direction to turn.


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