Posted by Will_Hung on May 11, 2004, at 23:25:25
Hi there all,
At the start of the year I became good friends with a girl of 18. I was aware when I first met her that she had various physical and mental illnesses, but having suffered with depression myself, decided not to judge her on it. We became friends, good ones, and we were also sexual partners for a while. The problem is that now, nearly a year on, this girl has created nothing but problems for me. Whenever she goes into a new situation she ends up antagonising someone and then goes running to other people with a distorted version of events. The end result is that wherever she goes, groups of people end up at each others' throats. She is always at the centre of it. On no less than three occasions now I have lost friends because of trying to sort out her problems.
Fact is, i've had enough. I want nothing more to do with her. The problem is though, i don't seem to be able to achieve this. Shortly before i realised what she was doing, i signed a contract to share a house with her next year. It's all or nothing with her - she's either my bosom buddy or my worst enemy. If she's my 'friend' then she's all over me, smothering me and dragging me into her problems, if she's my 'enemy' then she deliberately goes out of her way to cause problems for me and to try and make me look bad!
It turns out a lot of her physical illnesses are either faked or drastically exaggerated.What can i do about her? As a result of her actions this last year, nearly all our friends now are mutual ones, the few people who have put up with her behaviour or who don't know about the things she's done. I tried maintaining a cool friendship with her but that didn't work, as i found out she was going around behind my back giving a bad impression of me to our other friends. To make things worse, a lot of people don't believe what she's doing, they think i'm just being over-dramatic!
My main priority for next year is to make friends outside our current circle and to cut her out of my life as much as possible. I have devised a strategy to do this, and at the same time limit how much she hears about my day-to-day existence in the process. As I see it, if she knows nothing then she cannot make problems for me. My ultimate goal is to see her and treat her merely as an acquaintance; someone i can exist alongside without there being an uncomfortable atmosphere, while at the same time keeping her strongly at arms length. Basically my strategy is this:
1. I will not, under any circumstances, have sexual relations with her ever again, regardless of how lonely or depressed I may be at the time.
2. I will not allow her to hug, kiss or otherwise unnecessarily touch me unless it is completely unavoidable. If she forces herself upon me in a social setting then I will accept her behaviour but not reciprocate
3. I will do as much as possible to prevent her gaining information about me or my activities, be that through me or my friends. I will ensure, however that this does not involve my placing unreasonable demands on others and that it does not cause any detriment to my day-to-day life.
4. During holidays the only contact I will have with her will be out of necessity ie house stuff.
5. Any conversation with her will be functional only and any attempts to lead me into social exchange will be headed off.6. Any reference to past events between the two of us should be acknowledged and then the conversation swiftly moved on, with another member of the group if possible.
7. It is acceptable to share conversation with her as part of a group, as long as I am talking to the group over talking to her and am not drawn into direct friendly exchange with her.
8. It’s ok to borrow things from her as long as I return them as soon as I have finished with them. If I need to borrow anything more than 3 times then I really need to buy that item for myself.
What do you think of this as a plan? Is it workable? Do you think it is likely to produce the desired end results? I CAN get out of the contract, but it will mean living on my own. As someone who suffers with depression himself, i don't think it would be good to isolate myself. More to the point, why should I? I'm not giving up my friends because of her damaged brain! That said, if she really is impossible to deal with then I am prepared to bail out, 'cos that would give me pretty much complete freedom from her. I would seriously appreciate any feedback that you guys can offer me
Cheers
Will
poster:Will_Hung
thread:345996
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040507/msgs/345996.html