Posted by kara lynne on September 22, 2003, at 18:17:18
For a moment I thought I might be gainfully employed and I was *excited* about it. I prayed (to the best of my ability). It fell through. It took me so long to even get to that point--of going on the interview and gearing up to start working. Now I have to start all over, get back to working on a resume'. (I didn't need one for this because I was hooked up by a mutual acquantaince.) It would be so good for me to have somewhere to funnel my energy--for my own life.
I had lunch with my father who said he would drive me to my big test next month under one condition: that I not get angry with him. I had to clarify to him that *he* was the one that had gotten angry with me that afternoon--and I reacted to it. "Oh yeah", he finally conceded. It was right after I broke up with the ex and had that dismal test and I was asking him questions about his car air conditioner. This annoyed him (!). I said that even if I had been 'pushing' him somehow to fix his car (and here is the crazy part--I was just asking a question about it, but it was misinterpreted. I am not allowed to ask questions about *anything* in my family. It is seen as some kind of threat to the system--I can't tell you how innocuous my questions were that day) couldn't he have just allowed me a bad moment? But no, kara's moods are always scrutinized and judged, while the rest of the family can be off the charts. And how amazing! He had internalized his getting angry at me as my getting angry at him, and that I should feel guilty about it!
And last night my mother, who agreed to help me pay for therapy while I'm going through this asked in her terse, robotic way, "SO. Are you making any progress?" The implication being that if it wasn't 'working' she didn't want to pay anymore. I was trying to explain that I'm not sure about this therapist, but she's not willing to consider that it might take more than one attempt. This is your chance, get better now and get better fast and show me empirical evidence.
It is just dismal having to come up with some justification for every breath I take. That's why I was so relieved at the thought that I could achieve some financial independence, and independence from these relationships.
Then a $35 parking ticket and my friend deciding she didn't want to get together today after all because she's fasting and cranky.
But otherwise I'm having a great day.
poster:kara lynne
thread:262475
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/262475.html