Posted by kalyb on September 1, 2003, at 12:58:33
Last thursday (28th) was my birthday. And quite possibly the worst one ever. On the day, I didn't get a single card or gift from anyone. My sister and an internet friend in the USA sent e-cards, but they really aren't the same, are they.
I was staying with New Guy, who had to go to work. It was pouring with rain, but I spent the day trudging miserably around the city where he lives looking for somewhere to live. I've decided I have to move there - to get away from the Evil Landlady situation here, and to be nearer him and his friends, back to civilisation. I've met more people there in a few weeks than I have here in well over a year.
So I was walking around (I don't drive and have no car), putting Accommodation Wanted notices in all the shop notice-boards I could find in the city, and calling newspaper ads for flats to rent, getting wet through, soaked to the skin (it's been gloriously hot here, right up until my birthday).
No luck with the places to live. It's very very hard to find somewhere, anywhere in this country - landlords want students, not people on welfare benefits.
New Guy came home from work, no card, no gift: said he hadn't had time. I tried so hard not to make anything of it, but sadly I've had too many sad, empty birthdays in the past and I couldn't help bursting into tears.
(For his birthday a couple of weeks ago, he took the day off work and we went to France for a day trip - my idea and I arranged it [although he paid for it, I'm broke] to make his day something special).
We'd already planned to go out for dinner, but he was reluctant and I almost said no - I was feeling so bad, so hurt. He's known about my upcoming birthday for weeks. Okay so he didn't know I was carrying all this "bad birthday baggage" - but I was being optimistic, hopeful, and anyway, who wants to voluntarily reveal their neuroses - especially one that only occurs once a year - to a new partner?
We had a good meal out and drinks afterwards although he ate almost nothing - he doesn't like food at all really and rarely eats anything except junk - and I felt better. Then on Saturday we went shopping for a present for me - although we couldn't get what he'd decided to buy me, so I am still waiting, and he seems to have forgotten about a card.
Last night I had to come back to the Evil Landlady situation, after over a week away. The thing about this is, it's great to escape because I feel normal when I'm away, "myself", etc. but soon as I get back here I turn into Cinderella again, some kind of au pair, spoken to like a servant and not in control of my own life. It's so, so hard to come back after being away.
Landlady - who for those of you who don't know - is a so-called friend, who took me in when I was homeless. I pay rent to her, but she demands a lot of help around the place because she had a baby about 6 months ago. The place is filthy. She can't cope at all.
She asked what I'd done on my birthday, so I told her, but didn't say how hurt I'd felt. She didn't say Happy Birthday to me, and there was no card or gift waiting here for me from her and her partner. I can't tell her how hurt that makes me feel, it's most unwise for me to reveal my weaknesses to her because she loves to kick fallen, poor old me when she can.
On her birthday, the guy I was seeing took us all - me, her, her partner and baby - out for a wonderful dinner. I got her a card and spent some of my benefit money on a gift. On her partner's birthday a couple of months ago, I got him a card and a gift too. On her baby son's 6-month birthday, I bought cake candles and a chocolate muffin on which I stuck half a candle - his first "half" birthday.
But on MY birthday, from the people I am closest to, NOTHING. How lonely, miserable and unloved I feel. I wish this wasn't so important to me, but it is. Until two years ago I'd never spent my birthday with a Significant Other (and I am now in my 40's). I really thought this year was going to be different. It's been 22 years since I last recieved a birthday gift from a partner. Sad, isn't it?
Bless my Mum though - she did send a card which I opened when I got back here last night. But it's the only card I've had this year.
Today it's back to the grind at the landlady's - being told all the long list of things that need doing and expected to just get on and do stuff for her. But I don't want to!! I am in tears! Why should I care about what she wants - when not even a Happy Birthday came my way from her? She could have made me a card if she couldn't afford one, sent me an e-card, phoned me on the day, at the very least. She is meant to be my friend. I am so sure she's done this on purpose to hurt, perhaps to provoke me, that I cannot even mention it to her.
Oh god, I want to get out of here so bad, and I can't, I have nowhere to go, and nobody cares. I won't be going back to the New Guy's for several days and already I'm climbing the walls here - not to mention I have spent so much time at New Guy's that he feels he needs his own space for a while. And all I want to do is get a train and get out of here.... but apart from him, I've nowhere to go.
Oh no.... landlady knows I'm depressed about something and has come in to ask what's wrong - I can't tell her. I've invented something instead. And worse, she probably read some of this over my shoulder before I could get it off the screen...... :(
poster:kalyb
thread:256111
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/256111.html