Posted by Tabitha on August 11, 2003, at 22:06:07
It sure seems like I complain about this relationship a lot here. We broke up but were 'being friends'. Lately we'd had a lot of contact. I was needing more support over quitting my job, and he was needing more support over starting meds. At one point we talked and he agreed we were OK as friends but our romantic relationship didn't work because we had different expectations. I thought OK, he's not just trying to get back with me, maybe he's really a friend.
We had a 'date' planned Saturday night to have dinner and go to some galleries. It was his idea. Right after dinner, before going to the art shows, he had an emotional meltdown, crying, very distraught, saying he still had feelings for me, he was upset I'd run into him earlier that day and had not asked him to join me on what I had planned for the day. He said he had to go home, and was crying most of the drive. It sounds sad, but even when we were together he'd put me through something like this about once a week. I'd be hostage to it until he'd calmed down, usually several hours later. Sometimes it felt really manipulative to me, like when the issue was me wanting a day to myself, and I'd end up spending most of the day giving him emotional support instead. He'd often get accusatory in the midst of wanting reassurance of my love, which made it very difficult. Try feeling loving to someone who's simultaneously attacking you and demanding affection.
So... I thought once we were 'just friends' I wouldn't have to go thru these scenes anymore. Now I feel like a big sucker. He was so sad and pitiful, and has been so depressed lately, I asked him to come in to talk. I was afraid to send him home because he'd been suicidal lately. We ended up spending the evening in heavy talk, mainly me reassuring him, and him wanting to get back together, though previously we'd agreed it didn't work. He finally calmed down and felt better and went home.
At one point I even considered having sex with him, sort of out of pity I guess. Thanks goodness I didn't act on that thought. I did give him lots of reassurance that he's still attractive to me. I really shored up his ego for him.
The next morning I was just resentful, and mad at myself for giving into it. Seems like part of our power struggle was always that I wanted to go out and do fun activities together, but he mainly just wanted lots of heavy interaction and emotional support. So he falls apart, and I take the bait and the whole evening is switched from fun activity to me playing therapist again. On Saturday night.
He called the next day to chat like nothing had happened. He didn't even apologize for the night before. I just feel numb toward him. I can't trust him to get through one evening. What can I get from this 'friendship'?
The logical thing to do is raise the issue with him, but in the past he's not been able to handle any feedback at all. He reacts defensively and counter-attacks, and it becomes another heavy scene, and I don't think he takes in any of it.
I'm trying to remember why I'm still friends with him. He's there for me when I'm needy, but when I'm not needy, and want to have a normal fun evening, he drags me down. Yuck. He does have a lot of good qualities, but at times like this I forget what they are. It just feels like I'll always give more than I get from this relationship.
Once again I'm thinking I should just cut him loose and make more effort to find new friends and new dates.
poster:Tabitha
thread:250141
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030808/msgs/250141.html