Posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2002, at 23:13:30
In reply to Re: What I do for a living » BarbaraCat, posted by allisonm on July 30, 2002, at 7:52:31
This is a powerful realization, Allison. It sounds like your pdoc is a good one and helping you to work these things out. I can relate so much with your experiences. I too have always suffered from 'over caring' and want to do things right and so much want to have good decent people around, all getting along, all working together in harmony. I'm way too sensitive to survive in what feels like corporate America's shark infested waters. I think in order to survive that kind of bloodthirsty environment you have to really like what you're doing and get some kind of payback other than a paycheck. I didn't love what I was doing and couldn't put the required time and effort into it to stay above water. Plus, I don't suffer fools easily and have gotten into trouble numerous times because of my 'unprofessional saying what I mean' - can you believe a manager actually said that?! I mean, to go day in and day out for 50+ hours a week contributing to such a lack of integrity and spirit begins to take it's toll. My body finally said 'Enough! I'm taking you outta there!' and fibromyalgia was the means my dear wise body came up with.
What kind of schooling are you going back to?
> With me, it has to do with people not being there for me from an early age; I tend to put more of myself into what I do because I don't want to treat people the way I was treated; it takes too much energy for any human to do what I was/am doing; when I realize I am stressing out and can't do it I withdraw thinking I want nothing to do with other people, but then start yearning for human interaction and the whole thing starts again. This happens in personal relationships as well as at work.
>
> Plus, I went through more than my share of corporate bullshit politics. I have never had it in me to compete ruthlessly on an uneven playing field, plus I am seeing now that when my efforts were not recognized in the way that I must have thought they should, I withdrew and started working for my own satisfaction. That was not a problem as my standards were higher than theirs. So I continued working hard and being bitter. I Worked in that place 10 years till I finally found another opportunity that was completely different than where I was with completely different work (working for my dad's business). That didn't work out, so I sought out work for which I was trained and got into the university. Same thing happened (plus there was enormous politics that ended up causing a number of others to leave too, so it was not just my dysfunctional situation). So I left there after 5 years and am back in school ffor 2. Don't know whether this makes sense. This is the first time I have written this out. I just got this revelation yesterday in session and have a lot more thinking to do. No doubt there are nuances that I am not yet aware of that my pdoc has on his list....
poster:BarbaraCat
thread:26886
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020728/msgs/27662.html