Posted by trouble on February 20, 2002, at 22:37:07
Hypo manic today. I guess. I've been here before but never had such an abrupt drop, like someone dropped a flaming aircraft.
Haven't slept, too many stars to count.There were incidents today. Been off this new mood stabilizer for 5 days but got the refill yesteday so should be back on track real soon.
Lost my car in the parking lot and it took the attendant 2 hours to find it. We just drove around talking b/c I cou;n't rember if I had the red car or the white one, since the old man at rent a wreck is always switching them for repairs.
Leaving the house w/ 2 different shoes on, not realizing it 'til I was far from home, had to abort my plans to visit Payless and buy a new pair.
The bad side has been yelling at my cats. Letting their water bowls go stale. I never yell at them, but the last few days it's been harsh and immediate. They crouch behind the furniture and stare out at me in perplexed betrayal.Then there's the job, such as it is. Showing up 3 hours late. I was asked about that today and I lied. But that's a step-up from my normal routine, which is to put out that intimidating vibe, "Don't you even look like you're going to approach me", and they don't. They write memos.
But my co-worker was so brave and respectful today that I left a note telling the truth for the first time in my life about what happened, the car, the shoes. I said there have been medication issues and I've scheduled a consult w/ my doctor tomorrow, and I'll be back on track by Monday, guaranteed. I even admitted I had lied to her, and that we both knew it, and thank you for holding eye contact w/me while we both knew I was dissembling.
I make up stories, then after the confrontation write a note saying, there's more to this than I indicated and am working to resolve the matter.
Nobody likes me.
But they wish they could.
Time after time they hear the same vague, forbidding excuse, including the terse reminder that I am aware of my obligations and will see to their completion, then the next time they see me I'm wearing steel-plated armour, mismatched pajamas and errant red lipstick.It's taking me a long time to admit the mental problems are real.
I keep going back to the idea that how could I have had a successful ten year run in broadcasting if I wasn't on the ball? You have to show up the same time every single day, you have to do remotes and production, you have to keep your ratings up, and I did all that so how can there be anything seriously wrong w/ me?But my last 2 years were a downward spiral. Nodding out on the air, babbling gibberish, threatening suicide, and forgetting what particular toggle switches were for, leaving the mike open accidentally, not realizing that I was playing records on the wrong speed, and the time I was supposed to emcee a talent show and I told the board I'd do it forfree, that they could pay me w/ 2 magnums of German wine. Then the night of the show I got all dolled up and drove to the university and when I got there it was empty. I walked around getting chills up my neck and trying not to see a thousand paper flyers scattered on the floor and when I picked one up it gave the date of the event as the night before, and said Special Guest: so and so from WOXY. That's not the worst of it. The guy who hired me went out on a limb, since the board wanted to use their usual female announcer from the sucky FM rock station, but this guy insisted that she was old hat.
I was shook by the experience, but chalked it up to partying and goofing and the inherent untameability. I was a tragicomic figure living a life of deliberate excess and glamourous self-destruction.
"What? Do you think you're some kind of a rock star?"
"NO, actually, rock stars think they're me."Lester Bangs was my hero, and still is to a point. But one day he just didn't wake up, and I later learned that listeners were placing bets on how I myself, was going to die, not waking up being the consensus.
But for now the issue at hand was how was I going to explain the talent show to my program director. Turns out I never had to, I must have put that vibe out, since everybody knew, but no one said anything.
Towards the end it was all memos. I'd get one stating that the music meeting would be Monday at noon, and when I showed up discovered that the meeting had actually been at nine am, everyone else received that memo, and I received the fake one. This is the story of my life.
But now that I've been examined by 3 psychiatrists in the last year (not including my personal pdoc and psychologist) and each of these 3 objective strangers said the same thing, gradual decompensation, schizoaffective, psychotic tendencies etc etc it's just very sobering. They all 3 said my prognosis is guarded, and I'm encouraged by that, all I have to do now is find out how mental patients turn the tide against them and copy their behavior.
One of the main roadblocks is probably my ma, who was undiagnosed and stuff. But when she would lose contact w/reality she'd act like Lucille Ball, complete w/the WAH, OH RICKYs!!
She was trying to turn her confusion into a comedy routine but she was never cognizant of how others received her, and I bet that was the fly in her oiontment.
People, even her best friends were embarrassed for her, b/c of the desperation she couldn't conceal, and the implicit demand that someone step in and shape her reality. That's not a very good model of how to be mentally ill in the world, and though I have my own style, I am my mother's daughter. I think I inherited her camoflauge, whatever, something's getting in the way of my feeling as intitled to be here as other people. Uncomfortable in my own skin.But I made a departure today, writing that note, shaky hand forming jagged, irregular script, ink flowing from pen tip like a current of energy that passes from one to another and the next to the next, growing smooth and steady with each new post.
At least it's pretty to think so.
trouble
(quoting Hemingway)
poster:trouble
thread:18621
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020214/msgs/18621.html