Posted by AKC on August 4, 2001, at 20:30:38
Okay - hope I am not driving you folks nuts.
Why is it that we can destroy our lives in a matter of moments, but it takes so much time to repair the damage?
I put 70 pounds on in a few months -- but to take it off quickly can be harmful. Not that I am capable of doing that -- starvation has never been a talent of mine -- and purging is also something I avoid.
Physically, I use to be an athlete -- to get back there would take at least two years realistically.
I spent money quickly -- it will take years to get out of debt.
I drove my friends away overnight -- it will take weeks, months, years to form new ones.
Biochemically, I've been working hard for three years to bring my body into balance -- but yet it is not quite yet there -- how else to explain the fatigue, the flu like symptoms, the come-and-go nausea.
And then tonight -- while not depressed, I'm in the mood -- so my brain, so pre-wired for destruction is going down that path - self-destructive thoughts are bombarding me left and right. I'm clear-headed enough to know them for what they are. But I have no one to share them with. No one to help me through this. I am so frigging alone. I am going nuts. I so want to go in the hospital at times like this just to not be alone. But they would mess with my meds -- and that can't be allowed -- we are getting close, I believe that. So I have to tough it out -- but I can't keep toughing it out. It is too tiring.
AKC
poster:AKC
thread:8686
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010731/msgs/8686.html