Posted by Glenn Fagelson on June 20, 2001, at 22:45:34
In reply to Re: Am I just too depressed to committ to anyone?, posted by JennyR on June 20, 2001, at 21:29:34
> Wow, some of you guys - Marie, Greg, Glenn - the things you are saying hit really close to home.
> To you, Roo, I would say if you feel ambivalent about committing to this person, the ambivalence is telling you something. I, after 16 years of marriage, have a lot of doubts and questions about my feelings for my husband, and that was being pretty sure going in. So if there are questions and reservations going in, I would say that's a sign to proceed with caution. If it doesn't feel completely right now, what about down the line, years from now, when those differences may become much more pronounced. When I was in my teens and 20s I used to wonder how I'd know when I'd found "the one" and how I'd know if it was real love. What I decided on for myself then, were two criteria - 1. I had to have no reservations and 2. My heart had to do cartwheels.
> In retrospect, I did have reservations, I just hid them from myself, or thought I'd change him, or he'd mature, or whatever. My heart did cartwheels, but I think that was the initial infatuation and also loving the fact that he loved me so much.
> If you guys are right for each other, then there's no need to rush anything, you can see if it builds more.
> My own personal situation is I really fell out of love over time, and I always wonder if it's that we're not compatible, or I'm defective/not capable of a deep, abiding love. Our life is centered around house, kids, chores, etc. But I wonder do I not feel love because of all the crappy things he's done/not done, or do I perceive it all as crappy because I struggle with depression and the negative thinking that goes with it. Or is he really a difficult person to be with or am I just too critical. Or if part of depression is the absence of feeling, maybe that's why I don't feel the love, etc, etc.
> The fact that he is a very unsexual person doesn't help either, as at least a good sex life can produce a lot of bonding and a storehouse of good feeling (it's absence has caused me a lot of resentment). I agree with Glenn about passion being important (as well as your other points, Glenn).
>
> Then for me there's a whole other aspect to commitment. I'm married, but yet emotionally, I have probably remained to separate, always tried to maintain a lot of individuality, independence, maybe to the point of where I put too many barriers to emotional closeness. Then again, he always acted so needy, that maybe I was reacting to that. On the other hand, having had no models of good, close relationships growing up (it was a war zone) maybe once again, it's me - committed in every way but emotionally, still keeping walls there, afraid of total merging.
>
> You don't have a lot to lose by living together, but marriage.... that's something to be really, really sure about. Living together, I'd assume will continue to be a good test of if that's where you're heading. We never lived together and I let him rush me into marriage.
>
> On the other hand (I have many hands) look at those countries where there are arranged marriages - strangers getting together, not worried about love, and it usually works out.
>
> I think I've gone on too long. Trust your gut, don't be in a hurry. Good luck.I agree with you, jennyR!
Glenn
poster:Glenn Fagelson
thread:6456
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010611/msgs/6583.html