Posted by JayMac on November 4, 2008, at 12:50:49
In reply to Life shouldn't be this hard - triggers, posted by DAisym on November 4, 2008, at 0:49:16
> Discussion and planning only go so far. When you are faced with actually doing something you are afraid of, it feels totally different. And there are things you just don't anticipate and can't control.
I completely agree!! Gosh.....I have plenty of those moments. And then I don't know what to do.
> I thought I was ready for a sex life. Being in a new relationship is good and fun and I've been trying to accept that this part will be hard for me but that it will be OK. We've talked and talked and talked about this in therapy. My therapist didn't think I was really ready but I was insisting that there could be no more holding out, no more plausible excuses. He said that part of a relationship was accepting what the other person brought to it and what they needed. And I need to go slow. I agree but I have gone slow. It would be easier if I could just tell Mr. X what happened to me and why sex is so hard. But I'm not ready to bring that into this relationship - I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
How does one know when one is ready? I find that to be an interesting concept. How would you know when YOU are ready?
> So I handled it the way I always have, I dissociated through most of it and then took control of the situation - which means I worked hard to please Mr. X sexually, it was no longer a mutual thing. This is my way of keeping myself safe - by keeping the other person happy and distracted.
I've done that before. When I didn't know how to "voice" my needs, I just ended up ignoring my needs and fulfilling all of his.
> "Are you OK?" I can't convey it here but that one question was loaded with so much concern and so much understanding of why I might not be...I was really touched. He clearly had been worrying about me.
That's great! =)
> He wished for me that I could say, "no, I don't like that" but he knows that is still something we need to work on.
It is hard work. With time and patience, I feel you will find yourself gradually expressing your needs and letting yourself be heard.
> I'm so sad and I'm so angry. I feel broken and like something has been taken that I can never get back. I just want to be normal and be able to enjoy what most adults enjoy - physically being close to another. Is that really so much to ask? How long do I have to keep paying for something that can't be changed? I thought I could power through it.
I wonder what it would feel like for you to let yourself feel sad and angry?
> He said I did exactly what I should have done with my time today- that it helps him to know what happened and how I feel about all of it.
During our last time together, she told me that everything I tell her helps her get to know and understand me better so she can help me.
Hugs to you! Take good care!!
poster:JayMac
thread:860690
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/860764.html