Posted by med_empowered on October 21, 2005, at 11:52:33
hey! I'm a 21 year old guy. I have a really, REALLY strained relationship with my parents. I'm trying to go back to college after a pretty rough period--intense social anxiety (I stopped going to class...or even leaving my house), intense depression (I was hospitalized), and such. Now, I find that my parents are...ignoring me? I know it sounds like I'm whiny and dependent, and maybe I am, but I'd appreciate a supportive relationship with my parents. As it is, they drop by, ask me "how are you feeling today?", and then there's some mindless chatter, and then we go our separate ways. Sometimes, to be honest, I can be extremely hostile, but I have my reasons...my mom is an alcoholic and has been for a long time; my dad has never done anything to improve the situation or even defend me from her vicious, drunken attacks ("I hate you" "You're worthless" etc. etc.). In addition, my parents can be downright mean. I'm trying to transfer, so I can fix my GPA and pursue grad school...when I told my dad this, he laughed at me. LAUGHED. It still haunts me, and he still hasn't apologized; the day after, he called me to say that "he didn't sleep well" after our conversation....I told him I had slept fine, thanks. I bring it up now and then, and he always excuses himself by saying that my going to grad school seemed "so unrealistic, at the time" (apparently, he's changed his tune. Who knows?) Plus, he's told me that I'm not that smart (I've been in gifted classes since I was 7, I graduated high school early, and pretty much all my teachers and professors have told me I'm bright, even if I did tend to under-perform...I just don't get where he comes from with this idea that I'm stupid). Now, my parents seem if anything...un-interested. After I was hospitalized (more accurate word: committed), I couldn't continue living at home anymore. My dad would stand over me and make me take my meds while he watched; I felt like a prisoner, and I still harbor a lot of anger and resentment over the whole thing. So..I got another place, nearby. Now I'd like to move, and I try to talk to my parents about it and...I get nothing. No suggestions, no "do this, try this, don't do that" just...do whatever. Not in the "we support you" kind of way, just in the...we don't care kind of way.
What do I do? I feel like I'm capable, I really do, but...I'm haunted by everything people (particularly my parents) have said. I'm stupid. I'm lazy. I'm worthless. Maybe...I'm not meant for (read: smart enough for) college. Maybe I should just go ahead and get a minimum wage state job...I could make an OK livning with seniority, and there are benefits, after all. That kind of thing. It irritates me, angers me, and...damages me. I feel like maybe I am stupid, like maybe I am worthless and lazy...I just can't stop these things from floating around in my head. Sometimes I strike out at my parents now. I moved back here b/c my parents decided it wasn't "worth it" to keep me at the college I was going to. Now I'm miserable (keep in mind: I graduated at 16 and left home early b/c I HATE it here). When I try to talk to them about it...its like they don't understand. How could I possibly hate it here? The other day I told my dad that "sometimes, I wake up..and I feel like I'm in hell." This is true. He still hasn't talked to me further about it. I feel as if I'm just expected to be stupid and/or crazy, and that they think the best I can do is give up and accept it. I think part of the problem is I don't want to follow my parent's "program" anymore. All my life, I've felt like they're trying to "fix" something in me--they'd make digging comments (your clothes look funny, you're fat, etc.) and do stuff (enroll me in sports, force me to go to certain programs) to "help" me. I don't want to be "helped"; I want support in doing my own thing. After I was hospitalized, they wanted to send me to some sort of super-christian thing to help "troubled" young people. I told my parents I thought it was a mind f*ck--which I think it was, and is. I mean, I was at my weakest point, and what did they want to do? Send me their (gay, crazy) son to some bible-thumping boot camp...again, I felt like they were trying to "fix" me, and I'd prefer not be "fixed," thank you. So...what do I do? Give up? How do I deal with these negative, hateful comments floating around in my head? Please, please help.
poster:med_empowered
thread:569804
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/child/20050817/msgs/569804.html