Posted by Racer on February 8, 2004, at 23:32:40
In reply to Re: Marital Milestone, posted by coral on February 8, 2004, at 21:24:17
Thank you very much for your ideas. That wasn't actually meandering at all, and it is very helpful to think about another perspective about it. Being able to get my mind around the concept of aggression as a good thing may take me a while, but it seems like a good exercise to try to get in knocked through my skull. If I ever do, I'll have you to thank for it.
Meanwhile, part of the problem is that my Darling Husband and I don't quite communicate at all very well. My experience up to this point has been that, if I try to express any anger towards him, he'll have a defensive move to counter with. Along the lines of, "Gee, DH, would you be willing to give me a little bit of a hand around the house? I'm feeling overwhelmed with all the housework and my job, so it would really help." Answer, "When you pay half the bills, I'll do half the housework." Back when the sex thing -- or lack of sex thing -- started to become an issue, he told me, "Well, I think I don't want to have sex with you because you've gained too much weight and just aren't as attractive." Mind you, I know, and knew at the time, these were defensive moves, and he was just trying to avoid having to continue any sort of a dialog on either subject. He's not a cruel person, and he feels bad about having said such hurtful things, but he's like a timid terrier: shy-sharp, it's called, when they attack because they're nervous. (Although the weight comment, with my background, really does still resonate.)
Another problem we have is that I'll say something to him, before it gets to me being angry, and it just doesn't get through. For example, he got three boxes of clothes for Christmas, and left the clothes -- in the boxes -- on the floor next to the dresser. I asked him several times to put them away, and he said he'd just rotate them into his wardrobe. Well, yesterday I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally put them away and folded up the boxes. It never occurred to him that I was really troubled by not being able to get a handle on the housework, and that having those boxes on the floor all the time made it worse, and made my depression worse. Tonight, he left his shoes on the floor between "my" chair and "my" ottoman, so I threw them into the dining room, onto the floor. He said I could have just asked him to move them, but when I've tried, he just doesn't hear. You watch, those shoes won't be left in the middle of the living room again this week. It really does take a 2x4 with him, as far as I can tell.
Deep breath.
OK, see, that's part of the problem: I do get worked up over this stuff. I'm always afraid that I'll go off, or explode, or something. That's part of the problem.
What I realized today, though, which "allowed" me to vent my anger, was that I felt as though he was worth more than I. By every measure you can find, I have less value than he does. That's absolutely true. I'm the one who's got a Serious Mental Illness, the one taking medications to keep me on my feet (though they're not working real well, but that's another story), I'm the one who has a history of troubles of one sort or another, I'm the one who can't earn a decent living, I'm the one who really doesn't have any lucrative skills. The problem is, I am worth something. Or, let's put it this way, if I am truly of less worth than he is, someone should put me out of my misery. Existing with the way I've been feeling for so long now is almost unendurable. If I'm doing it for no reason, the only humane thing to do is stop my pain.
So, I guess you're wondering what caused this temper release? I was sitting here at the computer, reading something or writing something, and he came in saying that the espresso machine had stopped working. So, like a dutiful chick, I got up and went into the kitchen and checked it out. Appliances, after all, are my job. Background on this is that he drinks espresso, I don't; he will not clean the damn machine; and I've had to clear built up crud to keep it working in the past. So, this time I finally said, "This is an expensive appliance. We can't afford to replace it. If it breaks, I know you're going to replace it because you will not change to regular coffee. Therefore, could you please think about the fact that the build up of gunk you refuse to clean might be burning out the pump? This is an avoidable expense, but you have to do something to avoid it!" (No swearing, I don't think, and it may not sound like much -- especially since I didn't raise my voice -- but I've never said anything like that to him without pulling punches to avoid hurting his feelings.)
So, I'm taking credit for one display of anger and one tantrum today. (The shoe throwing.) Earlier in the week, I had the one other tantrum -- my first ever, I think -- where I cleared a stack of magazines onto the floor -- all over the floor. If I keep this up, maybe I'll get good at it. You think?
And, Coral, my heart is going out to you with your current troubles. My family has gone through that sort of trauma several times, and there is absolutely no worse thing in the world than having people you've always just assumed were Related to you,as well as being relatives, behave as expressed adversaries. Just awful. And the rift can continue on if you let it. Here's a {{cyberhug}} from your Cousin Racer. Hope it helps.
poster:Racer
thread:311056
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20031122/msgs/311104.html