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Re: Still alive

Posted by Racer on July 4, 2003, at 4:15:55

In reply to Re: All the stuff...., posted by coral on July 4, 2003, at 3:46:55

Just don't want to be. I can't quite make up my mind to do it, though, which I guess is why I posted here in the first place, but also a sign that I don't really want to do it.

Then again, I don't want to be alive and having to keep going through all this.

My husband is upstairs, in bed, asleep, knowing that I'm contemplating suicide. I know he doesn't know what to do, but I can't believe he's just gone upstairs to bed. That's kind of a sign of what's going on for me, though. All day he's been either hovering, trying to get me to laugh, or telling me I'm being melodramatic, or trying to get me to talk about it with him, or telling me he needs me. I know he needs me, that's part of the problem. Now, when there's a greater danger, he's gone, without any idea that this is when it's most dangerous for me.

So many times, people tell me all sorts of things about what I've posted here, how valuable it's been, whatever. My husband tells me he couldn't cook breakfast properly while I was away. If I've got so damn much going for me, why can't this pain ever go away? Why is it always working in an emotional deficit? Am I just so bloody needy that I can't ever be satisfied?

And no matter how shallow it is, when that man seduced me, it felt so good! It had been so long since anyone touched me as if he enjoyed it, as if he really wanted me. Now that he's gone, selfish as it is, all I can think of is that I'll never feel good like that again. Even knowing it was false, I still needed it so much.

What the hell is wrong with me? Even my own husband doesn't want me. Sure, he needs me, but anyone who'd cook breakfast and listen to him would do. This just isn't worth it. It's not nearly enough to make up for the pain.

I don't know what I'll do.


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