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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by aLII on June 4, 2002, at 4:24:23
So do I go buy flowers to put at his site? Drive hour to cemetary to sit under oak and 'talk'? I feel so inadequate.
Like bad kid without respect to show my love lost. I was only eight when he died and now more than twenty some odd years later....
I'm worried I don't do it right and that the longer I go between visiting his site the worse of a person I am.
He was my dad after all but I am just lost as to how to show respect when I am disappointment to what he would have wanted me to be.
--a.
Posted by beardedlady on June 4, 2002, at 6:43:01
In reply to June 6th is father's b-day.....he's dead., posted by aLII on June 4, 2002, at 4:24:23
My grandmother was one of my best friends. She died unexpectedly when my daughter was just two months old. I was at her grave for the burial and a year later for the stone unveiling. But those have been my only visits in the four years since her death.
I talk to her several times a week. I think of her at 11:00 p.m., if I am lying awake, because that's the time we used to talk for hours. I send her messages. I look for replies.
You needn't visit the site of the body to conjure the spirit of the ones you love. The body itself is inert. The spirit is how we communicate. So don't beat yourself up over a symbol.
Furthermore, you are at a low ego point, but I'm certain your dad would be able to see the good person you've become, and that would have made him proud. Look, for example, at how you helped me--and others--on this board. It's okay to ask for help, too, but you are not selfish, as you have been eager to give. That in itself is something in which to take pride.
Every morning at breakfast, I tell my daughter stories about my grandfather, who fed me either Farina, Cream of Wheat, or Life (my daughter's three favorite breakfasts) every morning before third grade, when I lived there briefly. That way, he's alive for both of us.
Talk to your dad. It's a nice meditation, and it may help you come to peace with yourself.
beardy : )>
Posted by kid_A on June 4, 2002, at 13:49:19
In reply to June 6th is father's b-day.....he's dead., posted by aLII on June 4, 2002, at 4:24:23
about a year ago, when i knew that i needed help from further falling apart i drove the mile to my mother's grave (she died when i was 18), and i sat on that little bench, and i wept and asked her how i could have possibly destroyed my life so viciously... so thoroughly...i didn't make the visit this year, there is mothers day, there is her birthday, there is the day that she died... all these dates wrapt around your heart...
you know you are a good person, just for questioning your own resolve, and we can not do everything at all times... its difficult to make the sojurn while we're picking up our own pieces...
besides, no visit will ever tell him the truth that he allready knows, the beauty inside you, that is the object of perfection in his eye....
wishing you something, anything...
(kid)
Posted by aliI on June 4, 2002, at 21:33:01
In reply to visiting the grave » aLII, posted by beardedlady on June 4, 2002, at 6:43:01
>> I talk to her several times a week. I think of her at 11:00 p.m., if I am lying awake, because that's the time we used to talk for hours. I send her messages. I look for replies.
i wish i still had that kind of memory of him but at eight there isn't much one can remember when faced with such loss
>> You needn't visit the site of the body to conjure the spirit of the ones you love. The body itself is inert. The spirit is how we communicate. So don't beat yourself up over a symbol.thank you so kindly for a loving reminder that I must find own way
>> Furthermore, you are at a low ego point, but I'm certain your dad would be able to see the good person you've become, and that would have made him proud. Look, for example, at how you helped me--and others--on this board. It's okay to ask for help, too, but you are not selfish, as you have been eager to give. That in itself is something in which to take pride.
just don't know how to respond.......I did all I could to go wrong for many years and then got what little I had to get together somewhat together. I know so little about him that I am almost afraid to begin asking
>> Every morning at breakfast, I tell my daughter stories about my grandfather, who fed me either Farina, Cream of Wheat, or Life (my daughter's three favorite breakfasts) every morning before third grade, when I lived there briefly. That way, he's alive for both of us.that is lovely way of keeping him alive. I wish my family could have done that....I try now but other things need to be dealt with first
> Talk to your dad. It's a nice meditation, and it may help you come to peace with yourself.
I used to but I haven't felt him in a long time and that is very, very sad for me
Again, your words are gems to me to help pull me through boggy hell in which I exist currently.Emeralds if ya gotz em. I like emeralds.
--a.
Posted by aliI on June 4, 2002, at 21:34:16
In reply to the truth the dead know » aLII, posted by kid_A on June 4, 2002, at 13:49:19
Posted by paxvox on June 5, 2002, at 17:39:09
In reply to June 6th is father's b-day.....he's dead., posted by aLII on June 4, 2002, at 4:24:23
Hmmmmm......... sounds like there are some unresolved issues here. However, no demonstrative physical act, like taking flowers to his grave site, is going to "show your respect" for your dad, unless you are worried about what OTHERS think about you. How do YOU feel about you? Do you harbor some guilt because you were "mad" at your father for dying, and leaving you w/o a dad? Hey! That happens to a young kid, it's a normal reaction. My mom died of cancer 10 years ago, sometimes I wonder was I more sad for her or me! This makes me feel selfish, and thus "guilty" for having theses feelings. In reality, it is, again, a very common emotional response to death. I know this sounds corny, but maybe you need to "forgive" yourself, and think positively about the good things your father's life brought about (like YOU for instance!). Do you have siblings? What do THEY do? Is that why you feel inadequate? Try not to compare yourself to them (or anyone else who was close to your dad). Maybe you can do something as simple as planting a tree (or donating one to a school or church) and each year watch the tree grow. Your respect is really how YOU feel, and should NOT be about how you perceive others may feel about you.
PAX
Posted by alii on June 6, 2002, at 0:08:46
In reply to Re: June 6th is father's b-day.....he's dead. » aLII, posted by paxvox on June 5, 2002, at 17:39:09
PAX,
You are very astute in your observations.
I will put some thought into tree in this town tomorrow.....as in look about for proper parks dept. to find out bench/stone/tree costs. I know my ma will help me to grieve in anyway so she will send necessary funds for such a thing (I'm a renter so somehow a potted tree for pa just doesn't seem right.....the tree in ground I can always return to....now that is comforting idea)
>>Your respect is really how YOU feel, and should NOT be about how you perceive others may feel about you.<<
Tears PAX, you brought tears with that one.
The nights before and the day of his b-day and the anniversary of his death are still hard after over twenty years. You are very correct in unresolved issues......but recent split with therapist left me high and dry until I return from travels.
Bless you PAX...
Namaste
alii
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