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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 26 to 50 of 66. Go back in thread:
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 13, 2007, at 23:50:02
In reply to age » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:42:04
Hi Elaine,
Just wondering how you're doing. You impress me- you really respond to everyone's posts so thoughtfully.Anyways, just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.
Hugs,
-Ll
Posted by Frida on January 14, 2007, at 0:11:32
In reply to Hey » ElaineM, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 13, 2007, at 23:50:02
Dear Elaine,
I've been reading your posts and I so feel for you. How I wish I could "send" you loving people you could really trust...someone to guide you through this, and make you feel that there is some hope..and that someone can care about you in a way that doesn't hurt you..
You are in such a painful, difficult situation... :-(
I know it's not the same, but it reminds me of the relationship I had with my father (he ended up abusing me for years). I know you don't see your T as abusive, but the feelings you are having, feeling trapped in a situation...the conflicting feelings, feeling like you would hurt him so much, etc...resonate with me.
You are too young...I am so sorry that the times you reached out to other people they didn't come through for you. I so wish you could find someone who could truly guide you through this..and give you the support and care you need.
I feel for you and how alone you are.
I hear how tired you feel about all of this, how tired of fighting and dealing with this...I wish you could find help, someone safe to help you...What does the ladyT say about this situation? Isn't she concerned for your well-being?
I know you are tired and you've already tried..I don't know, I wish I could help..I wish I could help you myself, or help you find someone you could trust...(((((((((Elaine))))))))
Hugs to you
Don't forget..that you are valuable, and you deserve so much more.
Frida
Posted by Fallen4MyT on January 14, 2007, at 0:55:07
In reply to Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH, posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 15:59:49
I am wondering if he is HELPING YOU any? I also feel if you are seeing him only to be of help to him then maybe the fee can be waived? I do not feel you should have to pay to listen to his issues. I am not going to dis your T. I do not feel that would be productive. I am wishing you the best.
Posted by JeffSmith on January 14, 2007, at 9:49:24
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » ElaineM, posted by Scentedgarden on January 12, 2007, at 19:37:05
Elaine, Im new and have never read any of your posts (I dont think) but just read this thread and now have to reply... but everyone else has said things I already thought and has given you great feedback.
So, let me just say that youve gone from having your own issues/problems to deal with (which is why you went to therapy to begin with) to now having the additional weight of this new unhealthy relationship where it seems this man is much more concerned with fulfilling his own needs rather than helping you... and meanwhile it seems your initial issues are not being addressed properly or at all.
Im sorry youre now burdened with this relationship on top of everything else and I hope youre able to, in your own time, find a healthier therapist who will help you with you, instead helping you help him.
Good luck : )
Posted by philyra on January 14, 2007, at 11:57:35
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » philyra, posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:37:39
Hi Elaine,
Nice to meet you too. I've been thinking about your message and I guess what I want to say in reply is... I was holding your story in my mind and heart, and imagining you leaving this relationship, and the sense that i have is that it would be the best thing for your T for many different reasons. Not just the possibility that he would turn to someone else for support, as it seems you imagine (ideally another T), but for many other possibilities it would open up for his process. And my sense is too that whatever way it would push him in wouldn't necessarily be immediate. It might take him a long time to get the help he needs after his relationship with you was over.
I guess I want to just gently remind you (as I gently remind myself as often as I can) that you're not responsible for his process. But I also totally get how it doesn't feel that way. I get that the connection is deep there.
I'm not sure why your story resonates with me so much, maybe it's because it reminds me of relationships I've been in, both interpersonal and therapeutic. It's a hard, sad, beautiful, painful thing to have that kind of connection with another person. I'll keep you in my thoughts and I hope you continue to find some support here.
take care,
philyra
Posted by bil on January 14, 2007, at 15:08:41
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » bil, posted by ElaineM on January 12, 2007, at 22:16:09
"A bit bothered cause he only asked me after an hour and forty minutes, "Oh, did you have anything you wanted to talk about today?" I didn't, so it's not like it was a big deal. Plus he did do some meaningful work today. "
Lol!! Oh, Elaine- you are so good-hearted, really you are... I wish you could believe that!
ok, I won't have a go at your t anymore... this is something you are obviously struggling really hard with, and so it's not fair on me making things more difficult for you.
I WILL say, however (!!) that the NEXT time he talks for an HOUR AND FORTY MINUTES of YOUR session that you present him with an invoice, and tell him that you're splitting the cost of the session with him.
you are a lovely person.
bil
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 18:16:29
In reply to Re: To Elaine, posted by Frida on January 14, 2007, at 0:11:32
>>>>>>I know it's not the same, but it reminds me of the relationship I had with my father (he ended up abusing me for years). I know you don't see your T as abusive, but the feelings you are having, feeling trapped in a situation...the conflicting feelings, feeling like you would hurt him so much, etc...resonate with me.
I'm sorry that you can identify - it sounds like alot of people have had a similar relationship. It helps to think that someone else might "get" it, but it's sad to me too.
>>>>>What does the ladyT say about this situation? Isn't she concerned for your well-being?Actually, she called "Him" a manipulative *sshole. I've never ever heard her infuse so much personal opinion when commenting on something about my life. And I've never heard her use strong language like that (even though it's not really - for a T though, it seems so). She said that he should know better - regardless. That there has been role reversal, to say the least. She said he's sending sexualized messages, whether or not it has the "abuse" label or not. I didn't talk about it much - we spent the majority of our time talking about something else I'm dealing with. I wasn't as preoccupied with him at that time, and was more emotionally involved with a different subject... I wish I had more time with her.
In terms of everything, she said that I need to turn to my T and tell him everything and let him help. She doesn't know that the "Bad T" is also the "Good T" -- that it's the same man. She said that she'd always be there for me to report "this guy" if I'm ever ready. [She's not allowed to persue anything without me, or talk to anyone about anything to do with me -- that is, unless I let his name slip. Then, I've no say at all.]
She's concerned - she told me. For a variety of reasons. It's almost an exact year since she "lured" me in for a suicide assessment. That had to do with my inability to tolerate my physical health (T stuff didn't start till late spring). But, she was really worried even back then. She just keeps saying to keep reaching out -- but I'm tired of that. I've done that. She only knows that I'd told LadyT -- she doesn't even know of the other times I've spilled my guts. I've done all that multiple times and nothing comes of it.
She also said she'd like me to try to do something where I can be around regular people. I may take another coarse, or look into a group. It's hard to commit cause my health vacillates quickly, and dramatically, but I'll probably try.
((((Frida)))), thanks for saying all those nice things. It feels like you really do wish you could help.
blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 18:30:10
In reply to For what it is worth » ElaineM, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 14, 2007, at 0:55:07
>>>>>I am wondering if he is HELPING YOU any?
Hi Fallen, not really, I guess. Just in terms of not being completely alone. It's even different just sitting in the same room as someone, than being alone -- even if you don't talk. But then, sometimes when you're alone too much you don't even speak. I used to hate hearing the sound of my voice, when I'd have to talk to people and hadn't been out in awhile. So he helps that way. Before things started getting weird, he might've been helping. I was supposed to try a male therapist so I wouldn't be afraid of men anymore. I've always had that problem from childhood, but after spending so many years in ED treatment (kinda isolated from the regular world) and in a 95% female environment, it was especially strong. I was starting to think that he was alright. But now, I've had to change my mind.
>>>>>>I do not feel you should have to pay to listen to his issues.
He offered way back early last summer if he could stop billing. He said it would prove how much I mean to him as a person -- that he doesn't only see me cause he's "forced" to cause I'm a client. He knows I don't have enought money. He's offered to pay for other things that have been running me into the ground (like my teeth). I've said no.
Thanks for the good wishes.
blove EL
Posted by canadagirl on January 14, 2007, at 21:54:19
In reply to Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH, posted by ElaineM on January 11, 2007, at 15:59:49
I haven't read all these and may be repeating what others have said but you can only do what you can do. There's not much point expecting yourself to do what you are not emotionally or physically able to do right now. So go easy on yourself and take little steps, each time you write, that is important, each time you think about things differently, that is important. All these things add up over time. Take care of yourself and try to realize you are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances.
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:35:02
In reply to One More For Elaine, posted by JeffSmith on January 14, 2007, at 9:49:24
Hi Jeff. I haven't been posting much lately, so it's nice to meet you.
>>>>>>and meanwhile it seems your initial issues are not being addressed properly or at all.
No, not anymore. I mentioned it a bit in another reply here, but I was supposed to work on my fear of new people, social anxiety, fear of men and maintaining my recovery from my ED. It's not about that anymore. Oddly enough, it seems like everything is anti-"work". Especially the suggestion of weight loss/diet/exercise was suggested. (My old LadyT would've been shocked - and probably a bit pissed off) Though I've always asked for him to be honest - it's possible that losing some could be physically beneficial. What do I know. The only thing that's better is the self-harm (but I don't know whether that's because of him, or as the only positive consequence to the health problems I've been learning to cope with the past year, or even just cause I'm not emaciated and wildly unstable - I don't know) But he hasn't always been "bad". And he's not *always* "bad" now. I really don't like condemning anyone cause I'm nowhere near a better person.....*sigh* That's what makes this situation so hard.
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope I have good help some day. Someone who'll know everything, and only want to help me, and be trustworhty knowing all this stuff -- not just want to listen so they can report him instead. I don't expect to get it - but I hope. It's be a relief.
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:45:16
In reply to Hey » ElaineM, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 13, 2007, at 23:50:02
oops, I missed you post when replying LL :)
I'm pretty nervous tonight. I have a scary follow-up tomorrow morning. I'm worried. I wish someone was coming with me - I'm so freaked out by new people. I've been scared all day.
>>>>>>>You impress me- you really respond to everyone's posts so thoughtfully.
Thanks :') I'm trying really hard to write. I haven't been able to do much of it at all recently. And I've been feeling guilty reading and writing so much here when I can't even send of a plain old "how was your day" email to T -- especially when he wants me to so much. I just really want to respond to everyone who writes something - cause nobody has to, and they do it anyways. And cause I don't mention any of these real thoughts to anyone else - there *is* no one else that way. It's touching when people who don't know me at all, or know what I look like, choose to answer and say nice things anyways. THough I do have to do it in small portions. (Sorry anyone if I seem rude that way)
I'm not always sure that I'm speaking clearly, so thanks for saying that about my responses. ANd for the hugs.
Some for you too. (((((((LL)))))))blove EL
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 15, 2007, at 0:11:10
In reply to Re: Hey » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:45:16
Elaine,
You are NOT rude! Get that thought out of your head! Humm I'm guessing some sort of "physical" test followup tomorrow? Post how it goes. I know it is hard for you to go to these appointments. Share your fears and pain with us, it is okay. Really it is.
Been thinking about that age thing between you and T. See, that is another thing that really bothers me. He is in a position of power because he IS a T. And because he is male and you are female (sorry if that offends anyone but that sometimes is the case). Trying NOT to be uncivil to all the nice gents out there, but fully aware men have not always been kind and gentle to women.
And then the age thing--we are taught to honor, trust, respect our elders. He is taking advantage of that big time. He is the father figure who is taking the liberties no father should take.
And I am so honored and thrilled every time you comment on my often ill-stated replies. You honor me just by reading and listening. When there is silence it is hard to know if something is even read. Thank you for that.
OKAY I'm just going to say this. It is a quote I came across a few days ago. I think it might encourage you to hear this. It did me.
"When you come to the edge of all the light you have and step out into the darkness of the unknown, you can be sure that one of two things will occur. There will be something solid for you to stand on, or God will teach you how to fly."
I've been on that edge. And I think you might be there right now........
Hugs,
MidnightBlue
Posted by JeffSmith on January 15, 2007, at 10:25:52
In reply to Re: One More For Elaine » JeffSmith, posted by ElaineM on January 14, 2007, at 22:35:02
Elaine youre welcome and Im sorry that you have to deal with all this... I know it sucks.
I dont have a shrink but still Im really not sure if "suggesting" to any client (especially if you have an ED) to lose weight/diet/exercise is really their place/job/ethical to do. Is it? Im really not sure and maybe Id have to hear how/ in what context it was said but it doesnt sound right.
But either way, I never meant to imply he was "bad" or to condemn him at all either. Its just that he may not be able to conduct himself professionally because maybe (I suppose obviously) he's not mentally/emotionally together/healthy enough to be unable to do whats best for you.
And dont think that if you (meaning you) have observations and facts which show his behavior is inappropriate (or even harmful- or even anything else) that you are "condemning" him by thinking or talking about it/him. It doesnt make you better or worse a person than him by simply noticing/observing/discussing his behaviors and your relationship with him, etc.
Also, I only knew what ED meant this time because Ive seen it posted here before and figured it out then... but I first thought it meant erectile dysfunction. : )
I still cant figure out what "DH" is though.
> Hi Jeff. I haven't been posting much lately, so it's nice to meet you.
>
> >>>>>>and meanwhile it seems your initial issues are not being addressed properly or at all.
>
> No, not anymore. I mentioned it a bit in another reply here, but I was supposed to work on my fear of new people, social anxiety, fear of men and maintaining my recovery from my ED. It's not about that anymore. Oddly enough, it seems like everything is anti-"work". Especially the suggestion of weight loss/diet/exercise was suggested. (My old LadyT would've been shocked - and probably a bit pissed off) Though I've always asked for him to be honest - it's possible that losing some could be physically beneficial. What do I know. The only thing that's better is the self-harm (but I don't know whether that's because of him, or as the only positive consequence to the health problems I've been learning to cope with the past year, or even just cause I'm not emaciated and wildly unstable - I don't know) But he hasn't always been "bad". And he's not *always* "bad" now. I really don't like condemning anyone cause I'm nowhere near a better person.....*sigh* That's what makes this situation so hard.
>
> Thanks for the encouragement. I hope I have good help some day. Someone who'll know everything, and only want to help me, and be trustworhty knowing all this stuff -- not just want to listen so they can report him instead. I don't expect to get it - but I hope. It's be a relief.
>
> blove El
Posted by philyra on January 15, 2007, at 12:30:51
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr » philyra, posted by ElaineM on January 13, 2007, at 16:37:39
Hi Elaine,
I was thinking about my messages to you this morning and worrying that they were really presumptuous. It's easy to quickly say intimate things here anonymously :)
anyway, I am really glad to 'meet' you and I want to say thank you. You've taught me things on these message boards.
take care,
philyra
Posted by caraher on January 15, 2007, at 13:25:38
In reply to Re: One More For Elaine » ElaineM, posted by JeffSmith on January 15, 2007, at 10:25:52
> Also, I only knew what ED meant this time because Ive seen it posted here before and figured it out then... but I first thought it meant erectile dysfunction. : )
> I still cant figure out what "DH" is though.Hi jeff,
Yeah, the abbreviations can be idiosyncratic to various boards and far from obvious!
Here are some semi-common ones I'm aware of and how I interpret them:
DH = "Dear Husband" (I've seen "D_" used many ways, like "DD+ = "Dear Daughter")
s/t = "suicidal thoughts"
SI = "self injury"
AN = "anorevia nervosa"
T = "therapist"
pdoc = "psychiatrist"
SA = "sexual assault/abuse"
csa = "childhood sexual assault/abuse"
ad = "antidepressant"There are lots more... these are off the top of my head!
Posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 10:18:08
In reply to ps » ElaineM, posted by philyra on January 15, 2007, at 12:30:51
>>>>>>I was thinking about my messages to you this morning and worrying that they were really presumptuous. It's easy to quickly say intimate things here anonymously :)
Philyra, I don't think they were presumptuous. They didn't hurt me, though maybe you were saying that they hurt you? The "ease" with which intimate things are said is something I struggle with. I worry I flood the board at my worst moments, saying stuff I should maybe have held back -- because it's too personal, too intimate, too (after the fact) embarassing. But then, when a subject is an intimate one, what possible good would it do to censor the real thoughts and feelings that go with it. Infact, I'm probably (alot of people maybe)way too used to holding stuff in in shame -- even if it's "only" the shame of being emotional or sensitive.
So, I'm glad for whatever people post (I can always reject something if I find it offensive) but especially when someone shares something personal themself.
blove EL
Posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 10:30:17
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***Tr, posted by bil on January 14, 2007, at 15:08:41
Actually, yesterday he didn't even ask at all -- though I did mention my own feelings on some things throughout. He read out more of the passages from the book I let him borrow and he interjected memories from his childhood, how he can see some of the effects still now, what his family now thought/thinks of the alcoholism.... Again, he did well, but honestly I was already preoccupied, so I couldn't keep focus all the time. It's terrible, but sometimes he was just a hum outside my "bubble hearing". I'm usually not like that at all.
He's done with it now so I doubt we'll be talking about that anymore. The rest of our communications has been interesting. We spoke about the email I sent him asking him (again!) to tell his T about me or us (*bleck*) and was running all his reasons not to into the ground. I even told him that, "T's aren't there to "steal" your feelings, or dampen the ones that seem meaningful to you. I know you don't like the idea of being told what to do with me, but there's a huge difference between someone giving advice, and listening and discussing your feelings with you - the two can be done independantly you know." And then I said, "But come on, you know all this. Is there another reason why you're resisting this?"
It's all the same stuff though. We just argue in circles about this.
thanks again, bil
blove EL
Posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 10:34:45
In reply to Re: Jealousy, Seperateness, NewYrs, Now -long***TrigSH » ElaineM, posted by canadagirl on January 14, 2007, at 21:54:19
Thanks for the support CG. I'm kinda living by that advice right now. I just do my best with what I have, and try to not be too pissed off with myself at the things I don't do. Or don't think I *can* do. I just keep seeing if I can take more.
Always nice to hear from you.
blove el
Posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 11:07:27
In reply to El » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 15, 2007, at 0:11:10
>>>>>>He is in a position of power because he IS a T.
That's something he's never understood. When we were talking back in the summer about his lack of confidence and shyness, and awkwardness he said he feels when doing sessions (all, not just mine) I said to him, "But you're the T! I guarantee most of your patients already think you're so much higher than them. Most clients I've know have always wanted their T to think highly of them back, and impress or please them." He said, "I don't think that's how it's been at all. I've never heard of that." I think he may have said that straight analysis was the exception (but I can't remember exactly).
I don't really like to think of what the age gap suggests -- its too devastating. (Though, maybe two or three months ago I thought about it all the time. Now, I just turn off those kind of thoughts cause I was driving myself crazy).
Actually, I thought you were gonna say that he was having a mid life crisis.
MB, your replies are never ill-stated. You're always checking up, and that's dear to me. I wish I had the faith and the strength to believe in something as beautiful as that quote you shared with me. I would love to feel the comfort of having faith in something - God, or fate, or anything else. But I've never had it. I think I came to learn that trusting in the potential goodness of the world, or others, got you beat down or worse.
About the only thing that I try and live by these days is the idea that a functioning body is too precious to waste. So I try to still fight any AN urges, and I try and do stuff on "good days" cause I never know how long it will last or if it will come back. Not anything big, just go to the store or commit to appointments, or something like that.
>>>>>>Humm I'm guessing some sort of "physical" test followup tomorrow? Post how it goes. I know it is hard for you to go to these appointments. Share your fears and pain with us, it is okay. Really it is.
Yes, something physical. I've been going back and forth (for awhile) about mentioning it, but I don't think it's something I want to talk about now. I think followup was the wrong word -- cause I only had it done yesterday, the results will take longer -- I should've just said the last of my meetings with this particular person. The first parts went well (interms of results) and it's likely that these last ones will be okay too. *knock on wood* I'm kinda afraid now that I just said that. I really REALLY hope it's okay. I hate waiting (but that's what I do).
I was debating whether to tell this seperate part, cause it's nothing definate and I could back out at the last second and worry it'd only frustrate or disappoint you all, but, this person who I has meeting with asked once more if I'd consider (at least) group therapy. I'd said NO the first two times she asked. But I said she could put me on the list this time. I'm really scared about that. But I agreed cause I was/am really scared...I don't know. I don't know if it will do any good, and am afraid it's just gonna upset me even more -- especially if nothing seems to come of it. But I'm on the list (which usually takes two or so months *sigh*). It's dumb but last night I was so stressed about it - wished I could turn back time and take it back. I don't know - I still have a long time to think about it. More waiting. But I'm already so incredibly nervous about it. Though I'm nervous about alot of things these days.
thanks for caring ((((MB))))
blove El
Posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 11:20:53
In reply to Re: One More For Elaine » ElaineM, posted by JeffSmith on January 15, 2007, at 10:25:52
>>>>>I dont have a shrink but still Im really not sure if "suggesting" to any client (especially if you have an ED) to lose weight/diet/exercise is really their place/job/ethical to do. Is it? Im really not sure and maybe Id have to hear how/ in what context it was said but it doesnt sound right.
Well, I have a physical problem (independant of the anorexia) that I've been struggling with for over a year now. During that time, my weight went up rather high. I've always wondered if the weight gain was making my other physical problems even worse. T said it could be worth a shot trying, plus he said that he couldn't lie and say that some people aren't just happier and feel better at lower weights. He said alot of people live highly functioning lives that way (not super-low, emaciated weight, just a manipulation of ones set-point -- which is hard to do for healthy people, but really not so hard when your mind is brainwashed from an ED) Anyways, long story short, he said I should try a diet and exercise plan (taking into account that I really can't exercise at all) and see if taking off some weight made any difference to my health.
I've always asked him never to lie to me, or feed me platitudes if he thought they didn't apply, so I'm glad that he was truthful and brought up the subject again. It was really difficult to hear, but I'm more accepting of it now. Just needed to get used to not being on the other end of the diet-adivce spectrum. It's always been others preaching, "please don't lose anymore weight!" or "you need to eat more" etc.
:-) Sorry, the eating-related short forms are so part of me that it never occurs to me that others may not know them.
But since you mentioned it, until I read Caraher's post I still had no idea what "DH" meant, though I've read it about a million times. I figured the H meant husband, but couldn't guess the first part :-)You can always ask us if you're not getting a certain short form.
blove, El
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 16, 2007, at 16:16:21
In reply to small update **trig small abuse » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 11:07:27
Hey Elaine!!!
> I was debating whether to tell this seperate part, cause it's nothing definate and I could back out at the last second and worry it'd only frustrate or disappoint you all, but, this person who I has meeting with asked once more if I'd consider (at least) group therapy. I'd said NO the first two times she asked. But I said she could put me on the list this time. I'm really scared about that. But I agreed cause I was/am really scared...I don't know. I don't know if it will do any good, and am afraid it's just gonna upset me even more -- especially if nothing seems to come of it. But I'm on the list (which usually takes two or so months *sigh*). It's dumb but last night I was so stressed about it - wished I could turn back time and take it back. I don't know - I still have a long time to think about it. More waiting. But I'm already so incredibly nervous about it. Though I'm nervous about alot of things these days.I think anyone would be nervous about this, but it seems like a really good opportunity for you to interact with more people (at the very least) and hopefully find a better therapy solution (hopefully) than what you have to put up with presently.
Here are the reasons why *I* would be nervous:
1) what if I wait and wait and nothing is available. ever. I worried for nothing.2) what if I go to the sessions and they make me feel bad, because I have to lie about/avoid talking about relationship with current T.
3) what if I go to the sessions and the other people are so much "healthier" than I am and I feel like a complete loser?
4) what if I don't like the people in the group, or they don't like me?
5) what if going to the group sessions make me feel more unstable? Isn't the status quo good enough?
6) what if seeing another T (at the group) makes current "t" increase his unwanted pleas for me to be "faithful" to him? What if I upset my current "t"? Am I good enough to place my own needs in an uncertain basket and feel confident about it, or do I need my current "t" to continue to carry the basket of my needs around with him?
7) change in my routine
8) I'm not used to talking about myself, my issues. It's been a while now.
9) Maybe I like feeling this way. It's comfy being alone and miserable, certainly more comfortable than entrusting my mental well-being to a group of complete strangers.
****
just a few of my own neurotic thoughts. Do you share any of them?
anyways, I just had a good session with my T. I wish you and I could switch places for a week or two. You'd get an infusion of the strength that comes from seeing a real T, and I could show your "t" a few things about how his behavior affects the [crazy LlurpsieNoodle] sitting across from him... yeah. That would be a good time.
-Ll
p.s. again, really really sorry if I'm being presumptuous.
p.p.s. I forgot to congratulate you on doing something really really hard. You've made a very brave decision. I hope it pays off soon!
Posted by JeffSmith on January 16, 2007, at 22:39:00
In reply to Re: ED, DH, LMNOP (abbreviation triggers?) » JeffSmith, posted by caraher on January 15, 2007, at 13:25:38
Posted by JeffSmith on January 16, 2007, at 23:03:34
In reply to Re: One More For Elaine » JeffSmith, posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 11:20:53
Oh, when you put it that way it really doesnt sound harmful or like he was controlling. And asking for and then recieving the truth sounds good to me (its the worst to be lied to or patronized or placated).
And as for abbreviations.. I usually visit another message board and once (very jokingly since I didnt at all mean it) asked some guy if we could be "BFF's" which he had no idea what was and I had to then explain it's what the "kids" say these days... which incidentally made me feel extremely old at 37.> >>>>>I dont have a shrink but still Im really not sure if "suggesting" to any client (especially if you have an ED) to lose weight/diet/exercise is really their place/job/ethical to do. Is it? Im really not sure and maybe Id have to hear how/ in what context it was said but it doesnt sound right.
>
> Well, I have a physical problem (independant of the anorexia) that I've been struggling with for over a year now. During that time, my weight went up rather high. I've always wondered if the weight gain was making my other physical problems even worse. T said it could be worth a shot trying, plus he said that he couldn't lie and say that some people aren't just happier and feel better at lower weights. He said alot of people live highly functioning lives that way (not super-low, emaciated weight, just a manipulation of ones set-point -- which is hard to do for healthy people, but really not so hard when your mind is brainwashed from an ED) Anyways, long story short, he said I should try a diet and exercise plan (taking into account that I really can't exercise at all) and see if taking off some weight made any difference to my health.
>
> I've always asked him never to lie to me, or feed me platitudes if he thought they didn't apply, so I'm glad that he was truthful and brought up the subject again. It was really difficult to hear, but I'm more accepting of it now. Just needed to get used to not being on the other end of the diet-adivce spectrum. It's always been others preaching, "please don't lose anymore weight!" or "you need to eat more" etc.
>
> :-) Sorry, the eating-related short forms are so part of me that it never occurs to me that others may not know them.
> But since you mentioned it, until I read Caraher's post I still had no idea what "DH" meant, though I've read it about a million times. I figured the H meant husband, but couldn't guess the first part :-)
>
> You can always ask us if you're not getting a certain short form.
> blove, El
Posted by MidnightBlue on January 16, 2007, at 23:52:46
In reply to small update **trig small abuse » MidnightBlue, posted by ElaineM on January 16, 2007, at 11:07:27
Elaine!
I am SO proud of you for signing up for group! I would have written you sooner, but I am having some odd computer problems! NOW just promise us you won't automatically say "no" if they call you and tell you they have a space! You must at least try it out! It is a reason to get dressed and go someplace and it really might help.
Humm about your T, he does sound awfully clueless to me. Enough on him. There are many days I wish I could believe in that quote I shared. That is part of the struggle of faith. Some days, weeks, months it is very hard.
A functioning body IS too precious to waste! What a beautiful way to put it. Even if that function is compromised some. So hurrah for making trips to the doctor and the grocery store! And for supporting others on Babble which you do so well.
See, you do have a reason to get up in the morning.
HUGS,
MB
Posted by ElaineM on January 17, 2007, at 22:43:09
In reply to Re: small update **trig small abuse » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 16, 2007, at 23:52:46
>>>>>>Here are the reasons why *I* would be nervous:
2) what if I go to the sessions and they make me feel bad, because I have to lie about/avoid talking about relationship with current T.I share this one. I signed up to talk about other stuff, but (if I could be 100%uncensored) I could see him coming into my converation at some point. It's hard to share enough to feel unburdened, but be discreet enough not to reveal his identity, or incriminate him so much that the listener just won't let the idea of uncovering his identity, or reporting him, go.
3) what if I go to the sessions and the other people are so much "healthier" than I am and I feel like a complete loser?
Actually, I worry the opposite. That I'm gonna be a big fat whining baby, and others will have gone through something infinately worse. I worry that my story would seem like it's mocking theirs.
4) what if I don't like the people in the group, or they don't like me?
I always fear that people don't like me. I'm sure they don't. I suppose I don't need people to like me - I just really really don't want them to hate me. And we'll be really close to each other sitting in a group. I can't stand people seeing me so close. I've always refused to wear glasses cause I like not seeing people - cause it tricks me into thinking that they see just as blurry and can't really see me either. But when people are nearer I start to see them in focus - I hate it. It scares me so much. And I'll worry that they'll hate me cause I'm ugly.
5) what if going to the group sessions make me feel more unstable? Isn't the status quo good enough?
I worry that, because it's a short term, time-limited thing, that I'll only just start to feel comfortable and then I'll have to leave and be alone again. And I also fear that (because I know when the end will be) that it'll make me not be able to talk at all. I'm not good talking anyways. Usually just lone sentences. (I almost got kicked out of treatment before cause I couldn't put together spontaneous narratives like everyone else.) And I get so paralyzed with social anxiety that my brain seriously turns off. They thought that I was being withholding on purose. But really, I can barely remember how to put words together.
6) what if seeing another T (at the group) makes current "t" increase his unwanted pleas for me to be "faithful" to him? What if I upset my current "t"? Am I good enough to place my own needs in an uncertain basket and feel confident about it, or do I need my current "t" to continue to carry the basket of my needs around with him?
He doesn't know about the things I'd be talking about there. Plus, I'd never tell him I was going. If I make it there, he'll never know.
7) change in my routine
This one would be hard -- but I'd do my best to deal with it. I never know when I'm gonna have a downward health turn. I don't usually leave my place then. I have other issues with what my "routine" has to be, but I don't talk about that facet much.
8) I'm not used to talking about myself, my issues. It's been a while now.
This one I never thought of before, though now that you brought it up, it's very much true. It's been ages - plus i'm so used to worrying about saying something that would make T cry, or make him hug or hold me. I don't know if I'd be able to work on my being so wary of others before the group was over with. I worry everything I say is somehow the wrong thing. I'm glad it's a woman though, cause I worry that even sad or disgusting things sound provocative to a man (no offense. Probably just the ones I've come in contact with throughout my life)
And I REALLY fear that I'll slip up and mention T's name, or suggest where his practise is, by accident. I don't want to ruin his life and mine in the process (cause I couldn't tolerate living with the knowledge that I'd done that). But sometimes I feel like I'm almost aching to tell someone everything. I really felt it last time I emailed LadyT. I made myself stop sending them (even though she said I could). It comes and goes, but I worry I'll lose control that way.
>>>>>just a few of my own neurotic thoughts. Do you share any of them?
I guess I do. Thanks for writing it out Li. I understand things better when I read them. And you helped turn a massive, generalized sense of fear and doom, into something more nameable and smaller pieces. Thanks :)
Midnight: I promise that as long as I'm not in alot of pain that I won't back out without at least checking it out in person. And I'm always sincere about my pain - I never use it as an excuse, if it's not 100% valid, cause if I reduce it to an avoidance tactic, I only mock myself and how difficult the pain is to tolerate when it really is there.
Update: Latest test results were good :') Thank goodness. Almost over with.
blove, El
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