Posted by Dr. Bob on January 28, 2013, at 3:09:18 [reposted on February 3, 2013, at 1:13:06 | original URL]
In reply to , posted by on December 31, 1969, at 18:00:00
> Let's try something more actively supportive. People tend to feel supported when others join them.
Thanks for your responses. I feel supported and grateful. I hope you don't mind if I use them now to demonstrate how this approach differs from some other ways of supporting people. Let's start with my I-statement:
> I feel disappointed that I wasn't a more effective teacher of civility.
If you were following this approach, step 1 would be to express what you thought I was saying. Let's see if anybody happened to do that:
> One might be the best teacher ever and be quite effective. Others may still choose not to follow your teachings. I know I do at times. Please don't assume that you have that much control. It could drive you bonkers.
> I hope my correspondences with you have indicated otherwise.
>
> Believe it or not, you accomplished your goal.gardenergirl and SLS, bless them, tried to make me feel better. That can be a great way to support people, but isn't a fundamental part of this approach.
> You think you feel disappointed that you weren't a more effective teacher of civility, huh?
>
> Why do you think you wanted to be a teacher of civility?wearytraveler did express what they thought I was saying, but I didn't really feel heard. So step 2 could be me posting:
> > No, that's not really it. I'm sure I feel disappointed.
They also asked a question to try to learn more, which can help in supporting people, but again isn't a fundamental part of this approach.
> Dr. Bob, I feel that you are feeling partly responsible for the temporary break-down in civility that recently occurred.
>
> I don't feel that you or anyone else could have "taught" a community to displace emotions and think logically when such emotional (and personal) news is suddenly released. You stepped in and have initiated a new tool set to help buffer misunderstandings that are easy to react to and hard to convey when only written words are used.Now I did feel heard by corkskru. They got how I was feeling. Instead of going on to try to make me feel better, however, step 2 could be me posting:
> > Yes, that's it. I feel heard by you.
Step 3 would be to build on what I said, about feeling disappointed and responsible, with something from your experience (an I-statement).
Is this making sense? Any questions? Would anybody like to try step 3?
Bob
a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind -- The New York Times
backpedals well -- PartlyCloudy
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:1037205
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130101/msgs/1037215.html