Posted by Willful on January 21, 2010, at 16:31:48
In reply to Peanut in blackness, posted by inanimate peanut on January 20, 2010, at 16:28:28
Hi, Peanut.
I'm sorry to hear that the appointment at Stanford was so disappointing and that you're so discouraged now. I do think a big part of your reaction is just physical and emotional exhaustion, and the post-excitement let-down. So you do have reason to believe that it will moderate as you recover physically.
Do you wonder, though, if you might have been in a bit of a hypomanic phase before Stanford, out of which you've fallen into a deep depression, at least temporarily? You sound so overwhelmed about how black the future is-- as deeply despairing about your prospects, as you were agitated before about experimenting with meds. Remember how you said that you were obsessed and couldn't hold back from trying various combinations that were not recommended?
Please try to see your pdoc before February 15. That's much too far in the future. At least you can talk to her about how terrible you feel, and see if there's any temporary addition she can give you to help you be a bit calmer and more stable.
Also, if you've dropped the wellbutrin, and gone down on the parnate, you could be experiencing a dramatic re-regulation of your neurotransmitters. They're generally in a certain overall balance-- that's stable (even if it doesn't make you stable)-- over time. When you change meds, either going up, or going down-- especially when large amounts of meds are involved as with the parnate-- they become very dis-regulated. It takes time to reestablish an equilibrium. I particularly remember that when I had to stop parnate, I had a really terrible reaction-- and my pdoc explained that the equilibrium is destabilized by changes like that and needs time before it reaccommodates to the new med regimen. He gave me something temporarily to take the edge off this.
Very importantly, don't take any doctor's evaluation of your future prospects as meaning much. The Stanford Dr. saw you when you were at your worst-- exhausted, stressed out, without a regular schedule of meds, etc, etc. He was in no position to estimate how "bad" your disorder is-- and really, no doctor can tell you that. Anything they say is purely speculative-- and as reliable as any teacher telling you that someday you will or won't be good at any discipline. Teachers make awful mistakes about these things all the time-- and students they thought had no talent turn out to be very successful and even important in the field.
You really have to disregard what he said about your future. No one's future can be foreseen-- because no doctor knows what meds will become available, or what reserves of determination, intelligence, and ability to grow you have. Try to remember that you can largely determine your fate-- and that no one else can deprive you of the possibilities that you yourself can hope and work for.
Meanwhile, have you ever considered dbt (dialectical behavior therapy)? I've found it amazingly helpful-- it trains you to deal with some of the most distressing moments and negative patterns that get in your way. It was originally used with borderline personality disorder, but now it's really considered a good treatment for anyone who experiences anxiety or depression.
For the moment, though, try to rest, relax as much as you can, and try to reject the most hopeless thoughts-- things will get better. You'll get back to where you were-- and maybe with some therapy, or some new meds that may come out-- or just new experiences that you can't imagine now-- you'll find yourself in a much better place.
Willful
poster:Willful
thread:934472
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100119/msgs/934582.html