Posted by Lost Soul on November 15, 2006, at 15:33:04 [reposted on November 18, 2006, at 16:38:49 | original URL]
In reply to Re: just need to talk » Lost Soul, posted by B2chica on November 15, 2006, at 10:43:34
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Hi. I am very glad that you responded. You sound like you understand. Unfortunately, I am a single mom of 3 little ones so finding a therapist is not really going to happen as it takes everything I have to make ends meet as it is now.
Can I ask how the 'forgotten/repressed' memories came about? There is a lot of my childhood that I can not remember and the parts that I do remember are not ones that I want to remember. I wonder why it is that it bothers me now? Do you have insight as to why your stuff didn't start bothering you until you were 30? I mean, I have always had bad feelings about the memories that I do have - I have been angry before - I have never been able to touch my mother without feeling physically ill. When I was 16 I had a very vivid dream about chopping my mother up into tiny little pieces just to hear her scream all the while I was screaming "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU" at her. That scared me so much that I dropped out of school got a full time job and left home - I never went back. For so many years I have thought that I was ok with things, that I had come to terms with them but now I feel this anger building back up and I keep thinking more and more about what happened. It is affecting my relationship with my girls and my boyfriend. I find that I get irritated easily and I am becoming paranoid about things that I know I should not be paranoid about. I keep dwelling on memories and feelings. My mom has called me 2x this week about my daughters birthday and Thanksgiving (her birthday is right on Thanksgiving this year). She wants me to call her back and let her know if we will be coming to her house for dinner but I just don't feel like I could fake another interaction with her. I feel like it has all been fake - that none of the whole "i love you" was ever real. I don't want to call her back and I am feeling tremendously guilty about it. Which brings in more anger. My whole life, all she has ever done is to tell me how horrible I was. Everytime one of her boyfriends left her, she blamed me. She was calling me a whore and worse and accusing me of being pregnant since before I was 10. She threatened to leave me on the streets more than once as I grew up. She left me with one of her boyfriends once as she explained how she just couldn't handle being my mom and she just couldn't take care of me and how she knew that I understood and she just wasn't ever going to come back. Everytime, I felt like it was all my fault, I did anything I could do to make her feel that whatever she was doing was ok so as not to upset her. The time she was telling me she was leaving for good, I told her it was ok. I told her that I would be fine and that I understood. The whole time I was planning on how I would take care of myself after she left cuz I wasn't about to stay and live with her boyfriend. I don't feel like telling her it was ok anymore. I don't feel like pretending that it ever was to begin with. I want to tell her how angry I am at her for what she did. But it would not solve anything. It would only make her angry and she would deny it.Sorry this is so long. I know I should post this on the other site, but you really sounded like you might understand and can possibly help me understand? I want to try to understand why all of this is bothering me now. I want to understand the fuzzy dark incomplete memories that float around in my head like little bubbles - too close of an inspection might cause them to pop and disappear.
poster:Lost Soul
thread:704947
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20061106/msgs/704950.html