Posted by special_k on April 6, 2006, at 10:44:40
In reply to Thank you » special_k, posted by Dinah on April 6, 2006, at 7:49:50
yeah. it is a hard one.
i don't think my mother ever appreciated me as a seperate entity. but then i don't know that she is capable of that. i don't know that she understands. imo it has brought her much pain in life.as an example...
i borrowed a fair bit (imo) of money off her to relocate. and i was grateful for that yes. especially since i know that my mother saved money when she was on welfare (so yeah auntiemel i guess that is why i get so funny about saving and how everyone can save to be a millionare because i guess that is what my mother was trying to do but we were on welfare and if you are managing to save money on welfare then imo basic needs are comprimised....)
but then... depends what you mean by basic.
i remember being dragged around town in order to get a 50c saving on an item of clothing. my mother would make a big (and very loud deal) of that 50c saving. it was a source of embarrasment and shame to me she would say in a loud voice 'that is 50c cheaper at this shop' when 'this shop' was 40 minutes walk away all the way across town. and i would have to walk it. and listen to her say such things in a loud voice (she seemed to think she was doing other shoppers a favour) to inform the shop assistant. do you think they gave a f*ck? they just wondered what the f*ck her problem was - as did i. but when i was 5, when i was 7, when i was 13 it was just a source of shame.
and especially when it was clear that quality (or some thing like a hideous pattern on the side was comprimised for that 50c saving)
any wonder i don't give a sh*t and i just buy what i like (even though you can get the same thing for $50 cheaper if you are prepared to cross the road just abouts now????)
and so i have swung to the other extreme. which is just as bad in its own way.... but isn't it understandable given that history?
any way...
that is my shame my pain my problem...
back to my mother...
i borrowed money off her to relocate, and i knew how she (we) sacrificed in order to come by that money. in fact... that makes it worse in a way. the knowledge that i got the f*ck away from that crazyness and yet it has continued for her. she is oh so proud of getting this or that for 50c whereas for me it would be a source of shame that it is so very important to her... that a 50c or 20c saving is so very important to her... and you know what she said to me as she wrote me out travellers cheques??? 'i saved when you were a kid so i would be able to give you money for something like this'. and she did give me money to relocate. and it was actually very reasonable (nicer than as a matter of fact, i didn't have to worry and that is absolutely f*cking amazing when you consider that she manages to eat for probably around 10 or 15 dollars a week).
and it broke my heart (just abouts). it really did. because 50c when i was a kid... would have meant so much to me at times... and she honestly can't comprehend that. she can't comprehend...
anyway... i was amazed at her doing that... giving me money so i didn't have to worry about relocating. and when i arrived... i sent her friend an email. why? because she doesn't have email (part of saving clearly). but her friend does, and so i promised to keep in touch via her friends email. and so as soon as i arrived i sent her an email. quite a long detailed one that i thought she would really appreciate. to show my appreciation. because i was feeling a bit bad... she doesn't do anything nice for herself.
anyway...
she takes sleeping tablets now (valium i think). and her friend phoned her and read her the email. and she listened... and promptly forgot.
she rang my father and harrased him and complained at him (according to him) about how i never emailed / contacted her.
so he pressured me to get in touch with her.
i emailed her agian and said i had emailed but hadn't heard back. she checked with her friend. she was aware i emailed her and she forgot...
AND SHE WAS STILL GOING OFF AT ME ABOUT HOW MUCH IT HURT FOR ME TO HAVE NOT CONTACTED HER. she knew that i had BUT SHE FELT THAT I HAD NOT CONTACTED HER and she was unable to reconcile those two things...
and that is my mother.
she can't do any better.
please god don't let me be like that
:-(
:-(
:-(
poster:special_k
thread:626334
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060406/msgs/629606.html