Posted by James K on January 19, 2006, at 20:57:08
In reply to Re: internet weirdness » James K, posted by alexandra_k on January 19, 2006, at 20:14:38
> A while back I used to think rather vivid thoughts about going down to community mental health with a gun or some explosives or something like that... I enjoyed the fantasy immensely. Wracking vengence on these people who hurt me.
>
> But then I got a little concerned that indulging the fantasy would make it more likely to become an urge. Would make it more likely that I would do something stupid.
>
---This goes right to the heart of my problems, as a purposeful defense against a violent and aggressive world that had attacked me from birth, I turned myself (or tried to turn myself) into someone willing and capable of doing anything. I fantasized and reinforced reactions and attitudes in an attempt to be ready for anything. Meaning anything could happen to my body but nobody could touch "me".Today, I told my therapist at the day clinic, that if I ever had to talk to the psychiatrist I saw last week again, I would hit her in the mouth with a chair. I actually meant it. They thought about locking me back up. I've never (rarely?) done anything like that, but sometimes it seems my whole life is leading up to it.
I've had moments of clarity where I can not only see the problem but see a path out of the maze I've created in my head. But then my self defenses kick in, and I literally forget the insights.
That's why I'm posting this personal and unpleasant info. I'm trying to remind myself what is real and what is desirable. And remind myself to keep searching and why I'm bothering.
>
> Not sure what I'm on about now... Gone from you to me I think.----Back to me:)
> I guess I feel sad when people lash out.
> How mostly what people want is to feel connected and accepted.---I'm good at making people feel good and accepted, positive feedback on that from co-workers and fellow patients shows me this. That's how I know the ugliness is not the real me.
> The cycles has to stop somewhere.
>
> Why can't people just be nice?---I want to put 10 times the goodness in the world to make up for the small amounts of badness I've put here.
> I do despair at times.
>
> But thats when I know I need to spend more time with the people who are consistent in their kindness. I need to go enjoy the sun or a book or a walk or something like that. Enjoy a strangers smile. And try to muster some hope for humanity.
>
---Do that, but don't forget about us who are still suffering.james K
poster:James K
thread:600796
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060115/msgs/600866.html