Posted by Tamar on October 30, 2005, at 17:04:44
In reply to **Not Good Enough** Pt 2, posted by jay on October 30, 2005, at 13:14:46
Hi Jay,
> I am writing this not just out of my own little world, but hope that it can maybe communicate with many of you out there. Loneliness. Like the lone howl of a wolf in the middle of a northern winter frozen desert. I had a bit of a cry tonight...still workin' with it. Yes, I know...***ohhh..poor meeee**** (get over it, already!)..ha...
Sometimes a good cry is just the thing to help you feel better. Did you feel better?
> I want to touch on a few things that are prominent in depression, and I have found personally. One is a very low lack of self esteem. People boss you around, you are always the "good guy/gal"..or on the other coin, you are the lazy worker who can't satisfy nobody if you where standing on your head spinning, spitting quarters.
I think you’re right about the low self esteem. It’s hard to get past it. I try to find one thing I like about myself and tell myself it’s good. And once I feel a teeny bit better, I find another thing that’s not too bad…
> I phoned my brother tonight for the dozens of time in the past year, and of course he is not home...I leave a message and he still never returns my phonecalls. He only calls when HE wants something. He has not taught his kids any respect towards my Mom and Dad, his grandparents, yet they are always there for any Xmas/birthday, and a thousand things in between. I don't even exist when I go to his place.
>
> My Dad had him from a previous marriage, yet he prefers to 'party' with his so-called Mom, who is a whore, crack user, alcoholic, yet my Dad has been the one who paid and signed for the money on his new home...who *bought* him a new car...who gave him 35,000 bucks in cash from an inheritance.My brother works sort of as a 'handyman;, and is 'self-employed'. My Dad taught him all the skills he needed to know. I lent him a Grand to get himself going. He thinks I am a 'spoiled brat' for living at home at 35 years old. Well, I gotta tell you, first off, I had mental illness for the past 10 years, but still managed to get a degree (and am continuing now...that is why I am still at home), get a great job that pays more than he will ever see and have a pension plan. He has none of that. What, is it my fault?Does he think it’s your fault? Why are you comparing yourself to him? Is it that you’re angry with him at the moment? Has he been saying things to you that hurt you? Do you want me to go round there and (insert mafioso-style revenge technique here)?
But it’s good to hear you saying positive things about what you *do* have. Yeah, you have a good job and a pension plan. That’s important, and not everyone has that. Good for you!
> I still have no real friends...just a few through work and one guy I knew from college. But, I gotta get out...call the guy (Tim) from college..and we can go girl-watching or something like that..haha..lol.Developing and maintaining friendships sounds like a very good plan. It’s not always easy. It can be hard work getting used to the give-and-take, especially if you’re depressed. But I can imagine you’d be a very good and loyal friend.
> Women...though...man it is GOING to take a special one to win my heart. But, that is ok....at least my priorities are right! It *scares* the living s*it out of me, about not having someone to grow old with...and hopefully a family with too. I had a couple of very close chances in life with a few relationships that became very close, but stupid me was too young at the time to give it serious thought. The thing is they where *special* people...who made me feel good about being me. It wasn't all "charm" or "vanity". When those two things are absent, that's when I know I am onto something. I know I spoke about this over and over again...so no need to reply. I just got to get it 'out there'.
It’s great that you have had some special relationships. It bodes well for the future. If you know you are capable of having good relationships, then you can have another good relationship. And if you were too young to get serious before, well, that was just how you felt. Many people feel that way in their twenties. If things are different now and you’re looking for a life partner, that surely means you’re maturing appropriately, and that’s good thing, right?
(((((Jay)))))
Take care
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:573397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051029/msgs/573504.html