Posted by jay on October 30, 2005, at 13:14:46
**Not Good Enough** PtII
Hi folks...
I am writing this not just out of my own little world, but hope that it can maybe communicate with many of you out there. Loneliness. Like the lone howl of a wolf in the middle of a northern winter frozen desert. I had a bit of a cry tonight...still workin' with it. Yes, I know...***ohhh..poor meeee**** (get over it, already!)..ha...
I want to touch on a few things that are prominent in depression, and I have found personally. One is a very low lack of self esteem. People boss you around, you are always the "good guy/gal"..or on the other coin, you are the lazy worker who can't satisfy nobody if you where standing on your head spinning, spitting quarters.
I phoned my brother tonight for the dozens of time in the past year, and of course he is not home...I leave a message and he still never returns my phonecalls. He only calls when HE wants something. He has not taught his kids any respect towards my Mom and Dad, his grandparents, yet they are always there for any Xmas/birthday, and a thousand things in between. I don't even exist when I go to his place.
My Dad had him from a previous marriage, yet he prefers to 'party' with his so-called Mom, who is a whore, crack user, alcoholic, yet my Dad has been the one who paid and signed for the money on his new home...who *bought* him a new car...who gave him 35,000 bucks in cash from an inheritance.My brother works sort of as a 'handyman;, and is 'self-employed'. My Dad taught him all the skills he needed to know. I lent him a Grand to get himself going. He thinks I am a 'spoiled brat' for living at home at 35 years old. Well, I gotta tell you, first off, I had mental illness for the past 10 years, but still managed to get a degree (and am continuing now...that is why I am still at home), get a great job that pays more than he will ever see and have a pension plan. He has none of that. What, is it my fault?
I still have no real friends...just a few through work and one guy I knew from college. But, I gotta get out...call the guy (Tim) from college..and we can go girl-watching or something like that..haha..lol. Women...though...man it is GOING to take a special one to win my heart. But, that is ok....at least my priorities are right! It *scares* the living s*it out of me, about not having someone to grow old with...and hopefully a family with too. I had a couple of very close chances in life with a few relationships that became very close, but stupid me was too young at the time to give it serious thought. The thing is they where *special* people...who made me feel good about being me. It wasn't all "charm" or "vanity". When those two things are absent, that's when I know I am onto something. I know I spoke about this over and over again...so no need to reply. I just got to get it 'out there'.
Thanx for reading....
Jay
poster:jay
thread:573397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051029/msgs/573397.html