Posted by Sonya on July 25, 2005, at 13:38:29
Dad called me last night to say how worried he is about me, and we talked for about an hour. I’m still amazed recalling how I felt I was talking with a good friend instead of my Dad, whom I’ve always tried to impress as being a good girl. I told him exactly how I feel and all the difficulty I’ve had with anxiety and depression. He assured me that Mom and him love me, and offered to do anything he can to help. We talked about my job a lot and he tried to offer suggestions to help. It was truly a heart-to-heart conversation. I told him how good it felt to talk to him that way, and that I always felt that if I had nothing positive /nice to say, then keep quiet. Dad said he wanted me to speak from my heart, no matter whether it was pleasant or unpleasant. Well, he got a lot of unpleasant from me last night. I explained how I often feel like a shell of a person; that I’m like a ghost in my own house and with my family. I cried off and on throughout our conversation. Dad suggested I quit my job and find something I like to do. I explained that I’m afraid if I quit my job, I’ll still be “sick” but then realize the job wasn’t the cause of it. I can’t throw away a good-paying job. Actually, I don’t think the job is the only cause, but I can’t otherwise pinpoint what the problem is. How do I explain to someone that I just might be this way regardless of my environment, and there’s nothing that can be done about it except keep trying to find the right medication? Dad kept saying my job is killing me, but I don’t know. Everyone would feel more comfortable being able to blame a certain thing in my life so I can change it and get better, but what if that’s not possible? That would make them powerless to help, and they’d have to acknowledge the fact that I have a chronic mental illness. I know that no one can save me…I have to save myself but I don’t know how.
poster:Sonya
thread:533248
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050719/msgs/533248.html