Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2005, at 0:51:26
In reply to Re: Thanks for support--update--it's even worse » gardenergirl, posted by Larry Hoover on June 10, 2005, at 12:06:33
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> Hey, gg. First off, I'm sorry. Those closest to our hearts have the greatest leverage.Thanks, I agree. That's what makes being emotionally intimate so risky.
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> {{{{{{{{{{{{gg}}}}}}}}}}}}
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> I'm a silver-lining sort of guy, though.
>
> Here's what I see. I see two people who love each other very much. And both of them have hurts. Both have inner child needs that haven't been met.I think you are right. He keeps his hurts and needs very very very deeply held, though.
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> Or both of you can sit down together and acknowledge how hard it is on each of you, to live through this all, together.We started this last night. Of course only after I finished screaming and then told him it was disrespectful for him to continue whatever he was doing on the computer while I was talking/yelling at him. And getting him to talk about ANYTHING personal is excrutiating. It truly is. He cannot say anything comfortably without thinking it entirely through and choosing his words carefully. And he wants his life to be so ordered, as well. I have depression, and it appears also mild ADHD. My brain is not and never will be so ordered. It never will be linear. But he does think I do or don't do what I do on purpose. You're right, it would help for him to see that in me, and for me to know more about his hurts. Sigh, but did I mention excrutiating? It's progress, though, that I don't bail on these conversations like I used to. I've learned patience.
We also decided to have a weekly meeting to "take the temperature" of our marriage. And he admitted that this will be scary for him, and he is likely to not follow through. That was good to hear him say, because I would just get angry and assume he didn't care if he just didn't do it.
>I suspect he's feeling loss, a grieving, because he did not (truly, how could he?) know what it meant to marry a depressive.
This is why I want him to go to counseling, too. Because I don't think I can help with that the way a good T could.
Thanks for your input Lar.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:510246
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050610/msgs/510897.html